Writing on the wall

Olas 437 19 April 2008

I’ve always admired pieces of clever graffiti like the one I found gracing the ceiling of a public convenience that said, “I’m sorry did I break your concentration?” Or the cumulative one I saw scrawled on a wall at Liverpool Street station many years ago. Underneath the plaintive comment, “My mum made me a homosexual”, someone had added, “If I gave her the wool can she make me one too?”

Coming out of the “Academy of Football” after the Portsmouth game I had a distinct urge to plaster graffiti over the walls of Upton Park and across Curbishley’s face. The particular slogan I had in mind goes back to the heady days of 1968. I was 10 years old then and enjoying some of the most creative and sparkling football I’ve ever seen at Upton Park as players who had graduated through our academy were giving life and meaning to the unique and profound football philosophy of Ron Greenwood.

Meanwhile in London, Paris and in cities across America, people twice my age in their academies of the time – the universities – were attempting a radical upheaval of their institutions and society in general. In that melting pot of activism the ideas of “Situationism” were all the rage – and one of their ways of popularising their ideas was to write them as boldly as possible on any walls they could find.

One of their best-known slogans was “All Power to the Imagination” – and that was the one that was ringing in my ears after the Portsmouth debacle. I had been looking forward to the Portsmouth game. With just a few games left, here was a chance to pit ourselves against one of the clutch of teams stretching away above us but still within reach.

Portsmouth had played an F A Cup semi final just three days earlier, and had struggled to beat a good championship side. So we were in an excellent position to take advantage of their physical state of exhaustion. Our effort lasted about 20 minutes at most and having not made the breakthrough by then, despite Bobby Z deftly taking the ball round David James, we sat back, ran out of ideas and let Portsmouth who were tired but full of ideas - take control. We were fortunate to be level by the break.

Now I know what I would have said at half time but it seems that all Curbs advised was, “Well played lads. Find somewhere comfortable to sleep for the second half. We need to save ourselves for the big guns. I don’t want to scare you but we’ve got to go to, er, Bolton next Saturday and fuck me, we’ve got Derby after that. It doesn’t get much tougher, so we need to conserve our energy. Anyone need any extra pillows?”

So we stayed asleep, Portsmouth got the goal. They could have had more but I think even they couldn’t be arsed. It was all to easy – like taking candy from a baby or excuses from a Curbishley.

As we left the ground I turned to my mate, repeated my favourite situationist slogan and suggested that instead of the “Academy of Football” the statement epitomising West Ham today, was ‘No Power to the Imagination”. Apparently one of the situationists other lines was “Those who lack imagination cannot imagine what is lacking”. Without doubt that applied not only to Curbs and his sidekick Mervyn, but to pretty much every West Ham player that night, especially Mullins who was trying to snatch back the “crappiest player” award, which had been commandeered by Boa Morte for quite a while now.

The only exception was Robert Green who did everything that was required of him, had no chance with a well-placed goal and took the initiative of running up to the Portsmouth area when we had a corner in injury time.

The front-runners rarely saw the ball as it was usually squandered by the midfield. Scott Parker seemed to be guided by a dodgy satnav bought in Romford Market. He showed his ability to pick up any loose balls and turn round himself in a circle as the inimitable John Moncur used to do, but then he seemed to keep heading backwards rather than forwards.

Behind Parker the defence were playing that stupid “dare you to go forward” game of seeing how many times they can pass the ball across the pitch to each other, while putting it as near to the opposing forwards as possible. In this rather childish game, the one who eventually boots it upfield loses that round and, apparently, if you make a totally accurate upfield pass you’re out the game altogether.

Well, there was no danger of accurate upfield passes against Portsmouth. Following that miserable night, the result at Bolton was so predictable I should have put money on it. Especially with the kind of team we put out. I see that Anton is the latest player to stake a claim that our nickname should change from the Hammers to the Hamstrings. Although the positive side of the latest injury is that it ought to encourage Curbs to play Tomkins for the final games. Good to see Collisson getting a proper run out, though. And hopefully he will also feature in the final games.

I read the West Ham “fans verdict” of the Bolton game in the Observer – and the words that adorned it were “boring”, “negative” and “dross”. To be honest that is what we have put up with for most of the season especially since January. The situationists used to claim that “Our hope can come only from the hopeless” – Well I for one am hoping that is not the case.

Last time round I described the positive hope that we rightly have in the youth at the club and Gary is absolutely right to laud the work of Tony Carr. But we have also got to give those young players some hope or we know where they will be heading in a couple of years. That means having high quality, motivated players around them. The current squad don’t fit that bill by miles.

It seems like the club has taken a step in the right direction with the appointment of Nani – someone who ought to know his onions about the best players on the continent. Hopefully, over the summer, we will bring at least a couple of quality players in- maybe more. At the same time, as Johnny B wrote last issue, the financial squeeze is on our owners. So if we’re going to buy we are also going to need to sell. Without any hesitation these are the individuals I would put up for sale at the end of the season:

Lucas Neill, Freddie Ljungberg, Hayden Mullins, Jonathan Spector, Nigel Quashie, Lee Bowyer, Luis Boa Morte, and Alan Curbishley. In the case of Boa Morte we should even be willing to consider paying someone to take him.

With a little bit of hesitation I would be tempted to send Matthew Etherington, Carlton Cole, and Danny Gabbidon along to the departure lounge too.

I wouldn’t sell our pairs of crutches or sets of plaster casts though, as we may well need them.

And so to Derby. Let’s take a look at the objective facts. They have 11points from 34 games and have not won away from home all season. They have let in 74 goals including the six that Villa put past them last weekend and the five that we put past them in November. You can just imagine Curbishley’s game plan. “Let’s go 4-5-1 and don’t take any risks.”

Well, Alan, I’ll give you one more Situationist pearl of wisdom:

“The prospect of finding pleasure tomorrow will never compensate for today’s boredom.”

So sort it. The only acceptable result today is a convincing win. Anything less and I’m afraid it is time for you to accept that the writing is on the wall.