Juggling skunks

OLAS 432 30th JANUARY 2008

The Flying Karamazov Brothers are a legendary American juggling troupe who can do more things with balls than seems healthy. I saw them many years ago and was amazed at the high-speed skill and dexterity they showed as balls, clubs, rings and all manner of objects passed between them at incredible speed and with deadly accuracy. They claim to juggle anything except live animals, a claim that remains to be tested as I’ve never seen them juggle dead skunks, or dead anything come to think of it. Anyway, when I watched them, I remember one of the brothers revealing their secret. “It’s all about time,” he said. “Time is really important. It is what stops everything happening all at once.”

And that problem of time, which has been at the heart of West Ham’s difficulties this year, could soon become the key to success. For so many months this year our injuries have happened all at once. Were all our players fit we would, of course, have some selection problems, but at least we would have options.

And timing has been cruel as players gradually get over their injuries. As one player returns another is gone again. Like a f****** merry go round with different faces each time it goes past you. I can almost hear Peter O’Sullivan: “Freddie’s back on his horse but Ethers has fallen off…and here comes Faubert, but Solano’s gone. Still two furlongs to go.”

The most settled part of the team has been the defence and that shows in our defensive record – bettered only by the top three bastards and tonight’s anally retentive opponents, Liverpool. The defence has been particularly impressive away from home where despite playing very attacking football we have conceded just 9 goals in 11 games.

Players who frustrated us earlier in the season are visibly growing in confidence week on week. Heather looks like a new stronger player, Upson has been immense in the last few games, Lucas is seeing the benefit of concentrating for longer periods and Anton is back to his best. Of course all of them are given a lot of confidence knowing that behind them they have probably the best goalie in the league.

There are still the odd mistakes – Fulham’s goal was a prime example – but generally they have developed a great understanding and are playing the ball out of defence with purpose and accuracy, which drives the whole team forward.

In the 1-1 draw with Citeh, it was the way the defence brought the ball out of the danger area that enabled the midfield to take the game forward so impressively. We’re all gutted not to have taken the three points there that we deserved, but it was an immensely uplifting performance and a measure of how far we have come.

Citeh’s ground has been a fortress this year and yet we outplayed them twice. In the first game we only have ourselves to blame for getting dumped out of the cup. Curbs has been going on about their goalie impeding Bowyer but that’s bollox as he’d already floated the ball over the goalie. The truth is had we taken our chances (Ashton’s volley, Boa Morte’s one on one with the option of an easy pass to Freddie) there would have been no way back for the Blue Mancs. In the second game, where we played much better, only the linesman (David Blunkett I think his name was), and their excellent goalie saved them.

What was really impressive was the way we were still going for a win in injury time when many teams would have settled happily for a draw. Carlton was desperately unlucky to be denied on that final header – but full credit to their goalie for yet another terrific save.

If we play with the same drive, accuracy of passing, running off the ball tonight then we’ve got every chance of pulling off a result against Liverpool tonight – who have the same assets to their game but with much more consistency, and with the added option of pulling world class players off the bench. But we did it against the Red Mancs. It can happen against the Red Scousers.

The league game at Citeh though, provides a good moment to make an honest appraisal of our strengths and our weaknesses. First, the good news. Apart for the defence we are now starting to get the best out of Freddie. Until now I had thought he was just a lawn ornament and a lazy, expensive lawn ornament at that, but in the last few games he has shown the trickery, speed and strength that made him a great player for Arsenal. Two aspects of his game are not at full tilt at the moment – his crossing and his shooting, but they are not far off.

At the same time as Freddie is showing a vast improvement, Faubert has been coming off the bench. He looks a player with real potential – dogged in the tackle, quick thinking, and an excellent crosser of the ball, as that injury time chance for Cole showed. When Faubert returns to full fitness, and with Solano available again soon, there can be no more excuses for playing that tossrag Bowyer. How I would love it if we could offload him to a championship team, or a donkey sanctuary, or anywhere really.

And speaking of Tossrags what is Boa Morte doing in the team? A few weeks ago I was praising his aggression and speed. I was wrong. His aggression is over the top and every time he steps on the field now he risks a red card and leaving the rest of the team in the two-bob bit. Twice in a row he’s had to be substituted on a yellow. When Etherington is fit again and Bellamy on his way back, then Boa Morte should become a player of last resort. At the moment he’s a liability. The guy’s a maniac.

In the centre of midfield Nobes and Mullins have been excellent, and when Scotty Parker returns from being kidnapped again – any two of those three would be fine.

The dilemma at the moment is up front. While I may have given the impression in my column up to now that Carlton Cole is a rather useless leggy bastard with an inane grin, I have to admit he’s a rapidly improving leggy bastard with an inane grin and I would currently choose him over Ashton. It’s a matter of what he can do that Ashton can’t at the moment, and how West Ham play when Ashton is in the team.

Carlton can win the ball in the air, his first touch is improving, he can lay the ball off intelligently to the wingers and he’s unselfish around the box. When Ashton plays, the team suddenly revert to the long pointless ball towards him. His first touch is often poor and he’s slow to recognise opportunities to set up players around him. But then, well, the game against Fulham illustrated the dilemma perfectly. Ashton was shit but could have had a hat trick.

When given the proper service from the wing - a decent cross - he took the headed goal with aplomb. When he received the ball at, well, knob height, he brought it down well, shot powerfully and the goalie pushed it against the bar. When the ball was played to his feet he did a fine curling shot with his left peg that the goalie did well to turn over.

But for the rest of the game he was useless. At the moment I would put him on the bench, hide the pies, and get him fit. And I would tell the rest of the team that when Deano comes on, don’t stop the passing game on the ground.

Time is now working in our favour as we are playing good football while our players take turns to reappear. If we can avoid a new spate of injuries we can seriously look forward to challenging the teams immediately above us for a European place. And how much more we would be in a position to do that if we showed a bit of courage in the transfer market before the window closes. By tonight we’ll know for sure the extent or rather the limit of our ambitions here.

So far it seems that Boggleface, or whatever his name is, has locked away the chequebook and Curbs is happy to follow orders and say what a wonderful squad of injured players we have. We all know that two or three serious investments now would generate a return later, and if we wanted to soften the financial blow we could bite the bullet and sell off Bowyer, Boa Morte, Quashie, and Dailly, but I suspect its same old, same old – and another missed opportunity.

Well, like the Flying Karamazov Brothers I do the occasional bit of juggling myself, so I’m going to get my balls out and have a little work out. Enjoy the game. Come On Your Irons!!!