Sweet Dreams are Made of This

OLAS 425 25th NOVEMBER 2007

I had an amazing dream the other night – but I can’t really tell you about that. So I’ll tell you about my dream the following night. It was totally surreal – I was watching Match of the Day and West Ham were on the box. It didn’t look like Upton Park so they must have been playing away. And they were winning 5-0. Seriously! And Carlton Cole deftly set up a couple of the goals – yeah right!

Now when I dream about football matches there are usually strange images that tell me that this is definitely a dream – like the goalposts don’t have nets or the stands seem to reach to the sky. But this dream was so, so real. It looked like they were playing against Derby. In the end I knew it had to be a dream because those anally retentive pundits on this ethereal Match of the Day were full of praise for West Ham’s incisive football and saying how well they had played. And we all know that hasn’t happened on MOTD all season.

Anyway, I woke up in a happy sweat and got back to life in the real world. But it was fun while it lasted. By the way how did we get on against Derby? Must buy a paper, and check it out.

While I’m doing that I’ll also scan the papers to see if there have been any more sightings of Scott Parker, in Morocco, or anywhere else. Some reports suggest he may have been kidnapped after all. Though they are also checking the boot of Curbishley’s car. It was clearly very negligent of the Curbishleys to nip out for some jellied eels while leaving little Scotty, just 27 years old, on his own nursing his injury, when anybody could have broken in and taken him.

Anyway back to the stuff that’s made of dreams. It’s not completely unheard of for West Ham to score five away from home, though it hasn’t happened for a while. I remember a muddy afternoon in Manchester (no surprises there then) where Jimmy Greaves made his debut for the Hammers against Citeh. We won 5-1. Of course, Greavsie scored two that day, but the moment from that game that remains embedded in my memory was when Citeh’s goalie, Joe Corrigan, ran up and took a goal kick against the wind. He didn’t get that much on it but it was still sailing towards the halfway line. He started to walk slowly back towards his goal, only the ball got there first. It had landed on the boot of Ronnie Boyce about 40 yards out, who had volleyed it straight back again into the net.

Ronnie Boyce – the last minute teenage hero of the ‘64 cup final was a quiet and unassuming midfielder who liked to stay out of the limelight, but who was widely admired for the accuracy of his passing. They used to say about Ronnie Boyce that he could land a ball on a sixpence from 50 yards away. I’m sure he could, but why would anyone want to do that?

Another occasion in the same era, we were trailing 1-0 at Sunderland after an hour but then scored five goals in just 13 minutes – including a rare one by Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry Redknapp on the wing. So maybe we really did put five past Derby. If it’s true, then it should set us up nicely for the game against Spurs, who seem to be just waking from a long sleep themselves with their thumping victory over Wigan. I couldn’t decide what I wanted more before that game – Spurs to embarrass themselves again or Wigan to get a big beating – a bit like being faced with a choice who to hit with a baseball bat, David Cameron or Tony Blair. What a dilemma! Well, that’s history now.

All of us long-suffering and much ripped-off fans are due a big game at Upton Park where we compete for 90 minutes and come out on top through skill, determination and strength. How we got four points from the home games against Sunderland and Bolton is at least as mysterious as the whereabouts of Scott Parker. We barely deserved two. Bolton were there for the taking in the first half but we did our best to keep them in the game and handed them a hatful of chances. It was Bolton’s own failings, rather than our dogged defending that kept things running until the 93rd minute before we conceded.

Spurs will be a tough game. However much we enjoyed seeing them in the nether regions of the premiership table, we know that’s not their real position. They’ve got a lot of talented players who can hit the net but their major weakness is their defence, so if we can bring back at least 3 of our walking wounded (Ashton, Bellamy, Noble), if we can dominate the play and keep the ball mainly in their half and win the odd free kick near their area for our little Peruvian, we’re in with a good chance. And a handsome result against the spuds will give us impetus for what looks like a difficult month in December – away to Chelski and Blackburn – home to Everton, Man U and Reading.

Lose to Spurs, though, and I’m worried that we may begin a run of defeats. So there’s no room for bad or indifferent performances today. It’s not a day either for the back four to continually pass the ball horizontally. It’s a day for being positive and direct and giving it all for at least 90 minutes and, if necessary, 94.

I guess, like me, many of you have received that enticing brochure of West Ham merchandise this week. I am certainly tempted by the West ham cat bowl (for my two cats, not for me) but I thought they missed a trick or two for those fans who really want to share in the lives of their heroes, so here is “David’s List of Alternative West Ham Merchandise” from the “Fully Fit – My Arse” range:

Hammers crutches: the perfect accessory for the beginning of the season – available with forward, midfield or defence labels in West Ham colours – (special offer: buy one get one free). These crutches are also available for a one-year loan period, or “Ashton” as its known, at a reduced rate.

Hammers stretcher/bed – the perfect way to while away those Saturday afternoons after watching your favourite stars playing for their country in midweek. Signed by Bellamy and Ljungberg. Recommended by former Hammer Yossi Benayoun “I used it after every Israel game, while the rest of the lads had to run their butts off in a league game – believe me, it is so comfortable. Shalom.”

Do You Have a Hernia or What? A family board-game for two to four players (or sometimes it seems like the whole ******* team). You start at Chadwell Heath on a Wednesday and you’re aiming to get to Upton Park by 3 o’clock on Saturday but watch out for the hernia! Pick up a hernia and it’s back to Chadwell Heath, then to the hospital and you’re out the game. Recommended by…sorry, the list is too long)

Delivery time: 6 months – 6 years/When Faubert or Dyer next plays/when Britain gets out of Iraq – whichever is the sooner. Express delivery by Lee Bowyer.*

*Sorry the express delivery is now unavailable as he’s… got a hernia

Don’t you dream of the time when we can put out a full strength team? Sweet dreams are made of this...

Enjoy the game – Come on You Irons!!!