Vote Green!

OLAS 424 NOVEMBER 4TH 2007

For far too long England’s penalty area has been polluted with rubbish and waste. We are sleepwalking to disaster. The nation’s goalposts are being neglected by the selfishness and shortsightedness that typifies the outmoded and hazardous approach of McClarenism. Energy resources are needlessly wasted, while opportunities to gain points are being depleted. Instead of policies for development, we get more noxious gases emanating from McClaren. We need to bring safety and self-confidence back to our penalty area, now, and for the next generation. Patching up our net with a Robinson or James will not stop the rot.

We need a fair and sustainable solution!
We need a Green solution to secure our goal!
We’ll only be safe in Green hands!
The time for Green revolution is now!
Vote Green!

That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the (Robert) Green Party. If you support these policies, please send a recycled postcard to McClaren saying “Oy, McClaren, you tosser/donut/git, put Green in goal. Vote Green”. Thank you. Every card helps.

The penalty save that gave the Hammers a more than deserved point at Portsmouth capped an altogether fine display of shot stopping, anticipation and agility. Greeny’s only lapses were in his kicking, but surely it is better to have a goalie who can be absolutely relied on to save from close range and distance than one who might kick more consistently but can’t anticipate or save regularly.

Too many times this season Robert Green has been our one shining light but the performance of the whole team at Portsmouth should give us hope. The commitment and desire that has been lacking in nearly every game up to now was shown by every player at Portsmouth. And with a bit of luck and application we could have taken all three points.

While Curbs has been constructing a hospital waiting room at Upton Park, Harry has built a quick, skilful and energetic team at Portsmouth. They showed a lot of attacking flair in the first half but we always looked dangerous on the break and certainly had our chances. As the second half wore on West ham looked the most likely team to score, and should have – but we were denied by the bar and then by Nobby Solano choosing to close his eyes as he dived to nod the rebound, managing to put it past the post with the goal at his mercy. He gets in great positions but his tendency to go in for headers blind meant that he wasted a very good opportunity in the first half too.

I don’t want to be too hard on the little hermano though because he’s come in and done a terrific job in midfield. I’d go as far as to say that he’s by far the best Peruvian player ever to play for West Ham. He may be getting on a bit but he looks twice the player that Bowyer is, and is surely much better on the trumpet. He’s strong in the tackle, a quick and accurate passer, takes good corners and gives us more options with free kicks within shooting range.

Alongside him I though Mark Noble was outstanding – full of running, determination and guile, always looking to go forward – and unlucky not to score with a wicked free kick that David James only just tipped over.

I ought to mention too the players who have disappointed me most before this game, but who performed extremely well at Fratton Park. Natialie held the front line as best he could and only the bar denied him from a well-worked chance, struck with power on target. Heather looked very solid at the back and a persistent threat coming forward, and Rigor Mortis finally looked the “beast of a player” that Gary described him as when he arrived from Fulham.

It was a tough decision whether to start with Rigor or Ethers but given that Portsmouth are quite a physical team, and we were lacking at least one of our key physical assets (Deano) I think for once Curbs made the right decision. (That doesn’t mean I like Curbs – I don’t.) And with Bellamy leaving at half time, before he would have got himself sent off, we were able to give Ethers half a game and the opportunity to play alongside Boa Morte.

It was good to see Lucas Neil give a more commanding performance, though he still got caught out of position a couple of times. We continue to give the ball away cheaply but our determination in the tackle and tracking back were first rate, so whatever mistakes we made we survived unscathed. I’m still not convinced by Upson though. He makes a few crucial tackles and wins a few headers but loses far more than he wins. And the only thing he excels at is the long ball to nowhere in particular. I’d much rather see Ginge or Anton in his place.

Some will have judged the penalty harsh but I think it was a penalty. If it had happened at the other end we would have clamed it. Of course, it would have been an absolute injustice if Benjani had scored and I’m sure Harry had a plate of sandwiches or two to throw around in their dressing room afterwards. Deep down though he’ll be relieved that his high flying team got a point when they could have lost all three.

The Sunderland game was an entirely different kettle of mackerel. I couldn’t believe it as I was leaving - the crowd around me were singing, “Fortune’s always hiding”. Hiding? You’re having a laugh. Fortune was sprinkled all over us. At half time I predicted we would end up losing 2-1 and even that would have flattered us given the chances we gifted Sunderland. But somehow the fortune cookies stayed in our tummies and we could have even made it 4-1.

At least nobody claimed that we were good value for the result because apart from a few purple patches we were absolute shite. The best gloss you could put on it is that in these times of selfishness and greed we were completely unselfish. We would put two passes together and then pass the ball to the opposition as if to say, “go on - it’s your turn now”. And we didn’t just do it once. Oh no, we maintained an unblemished record of unselfishness all bloody afternoon.

Let’s hope the improvement continues when we welcome Notlob, where I confidently predict they will come with a better looking manager than Sam Allardyce or Sammy Lee – both of whom could have had glittering careers in film: Allardyce for those caveman roles (perognathus skull, grunting sounds, knuckles scraping the floor) and Lee, for your more modern horror film. My partner Julia is not a footie fan but sometimes passes through the living room when Match of the Day is on, like I pass through the kitchen when the Archers is on (I can recognise Eddie Grundy’s voice). The time she saw Allardyce being interviewed, she stopped in amazement and shrieked, “What is that?”

Before Notlob we get sent to Coventry for a tough test but one I hope we’ll be well up to after the Portsmouth display.

So, with over a quarter of the season played, we’re starting to see the pattern of the league. One or two surprises like Man City sitting up with the big boys, Arsenals juniors managing to keep up their too, while their close neighbours Tottenham are temporarily sitting in the drop zone. We’re in the middle, about where I anticipated, slightly nearer the top 6 than the drop zone but with just 14 points separating 18 teams outside the top 4 it’s easy for fortunes to change. I don’t think we’ll get much higher than this under Curbs, and could go a lot lower.

I see that Jol is on the dole, that Martin is finally departin’. There are more than a few decent players at Spurs who might like to play for Jol again. And he might prefer to stick around London. Time for a bit of Dutch courage? I think you know what I’m saying.