Pinball wizard

OLAS 421 26Tth SEPTEMBER 2007

Do you ever feel you are living in a parallel universe? That you’ve seen something happen with your own eyes but anther person who was there at the same time saw it completely differently. That’s how I felt the morning after the Middlesborough game as I flicked through the Observer Sport pages. When I found the West Ham report it was there in black and white: “Man of the Match Carlton Cole”. I believe it’s what they call an oxymoron – a self contradictory statement – like “military intelligence” or “loose tights”.

Now you can’t fault Carlton’s desire or effort, but for most of his time on the pitch after he replaced Bellend, his first touch was so bad it brought back long-suppressed memories of Paulo Wanchope. To be fair though it also brought back happier memories of playing pinball and not knowing in which direction the ball would bounce as you flicked it away from the danger zone. Instead of Carlton Cole controlling the ball, the ball seems to control him. Though when you really sit down and think about it, playing pinball is much more fun than watching Carlton Cole.

There was a wonderful moment, however, late in the game, when everyone except me was shouting something much less complimentary than “man of the match” at him. He had just fluffed a chance my grandmother would have netted, which would have put the Hammers 4-0 up. He was just 8 yards out. But I was secretly smiling, as I had assured my friend’s son before the game it would end 3-0, and I wasn’t going to let anyone ruin that prediction, least of all a lummox who can’t score from 8 yards!

So who was my man of the match? One of our often unsung heroes, as it happens: the woodwork. Its two interventions at crucial moments in both halves were as influential on the outcome of the match as Carlton’s two uncharacteristically inspired moments that resulted in our first two goals.

Who else had a good game? Several newspapers singled out Ashton, and rightly so. I couldn’t fathom why he was wearing bright orange slippers –perhaps he moonlights as a clown at birthday parties (His head is pretty funny too) – but he looked much sharper and more confident. He was unlucky to have slightly mistimed the run for the offside goal, which he took with aplomb, and gave Middlesbrough’s defenders a torrid afternoon.

His goal may have been from only three yards out but he knew exactly where he had to be to reach an excellent cross from Mattie and he will be mighty relieved to get off the mark. His season starts here. For Dean Ashton the future looks bright and for his plates the future looks orange.

Before he crossed, Mattie had received a clever ball from Mullins who had an excellent game (that is not the curse of the oxymorons – it’s true, Mullins was excellent) and if Scott Parker does exist he may not find it that easy to displace him in midfield.

I’ve been weighing up the evidence of whether Scott Parker exists and really am not sure. The evidence in favour of his existence is that he doesn’t seem to be playing for Newcastle any more and there were pictures on the West Ham website over the summer with him, or someone looking very much like him, wearing a West Ham shirt. I might have dreamt it, though. I may be 49 but I still dream about West Ham occasionally. It’s easy to feed bullshit to the press and they were happy to print “and Scott Parker faces a late fitness test” week after week without any proof that he existed at all.

The case against his existence is, well, basically, we never see the ****.

Clubs love to play their transfer recruits against their old teams so you might have thought that Scotty would show up at St James Park – but unless he’s Henri Camara in disguise I don’t think he was there. No I don’t think he exists (though there was a sighting claimed at St James Infirmary).

Anyway, midfield, where he would play if he did exist, is not so much the problem these days. It’s the “defence”. Apart from Green who had another excellent game against Middlesborough. you could hardly praise the defence for another clean sheet. We won 3-0 but so easily could have lost 5-3. The defence were all at sea several times as Middlesborough players ghosted past them. Thankfully they fluffed their chances. Although at the end of the day, Middlesborough deserved to lose for, if nothing more, wearing the worst away strip I’ve ever seen. It was a fairly non-descript puke colour. I’ve heard that the north east is a depressed place but this behaviour was completely unnecessary.

I’m sure many of us left the ground knowing that defending like that would be seized upon by teams with a bit more nous up front and a less pukeworthy strip. Newcastle have hammered home the point. Let’s hope we plug the gaps before Arsenal’s teenyboppers visit next Saturday.

Despite the odd moan, though, I’m fairly happy – we’ve only drawn one out of six – and as I wrote a few weeks ago I’d rather we played attacking football, lost a few and won a few, rather than sitting back in a dull stalemate and drawing. After half a dozen games we’re 7th in the league, a point below Chelsea with a game in hand and 5 points and 11 places above Spurs. That’s 5 points and 11 places above Spurs – lovely!

So tonight – a little distraction from the league and a chance to rest one or two players but still put out a strong enough team to handle the Plymouth Brethren. And maybe a chance to put a youth team player on the bench and give them a few minutes to strut their stuff.

I read that the Plymouth Brethren go round boasting that Jesus saves – let’s hope he’s not between the sticks tonight. On Saturday they had someone called Luke between the sticks. Now I may be a bit of an outsider on this one, as a nice Jewish boy, but I reckon a disciple can’t save the way the J-man can. So whether God or even whether Scott Parker exists or not, I have personal faith that our pinball wizard Cole will net a goal, we’ll be in the hat for the next round, and hopefully land another home draw. Come On You Irons!!!