Great Scott!

OLAS 426 DECEMBER 12th 2007

So he’s finally turned up and he’s making a big difference. Apparently Scott Parker wasn’t hidden in the boot of Curbishley’s car after all, or snatched and sold to a childless couple in Morocco. It has now been revealed that he’s part of a completely different newspaper story. He reported for training at Chadwell Heath after disappearing for about five years and said, “I think I’m a missing person. I used to be a combative and creative midfielder and I might have once played for Chelsea, or was it Charlton. I can’t really remember.” Well, wherever he has been, Scott Parker is back and the whole team looks stronger, has more shape and are playing more purposefully. My only regret is that I never had the opportunity to do a Scott Parker-based spoof on children’s books such as “Where’s Spot?” or “Where’s Wally?” Mind you, I could write a book called “Where’s Bellamy?” instead.

Anyway, the return of our micro-player is certainly having an effect. Coming on as a second half substitute against Spurs, Scotty looked dangerous every time he ran through the middle right at them. A week later, undaunted by Chelski’s billionaire brigade he led by example in the middle of the pitch, stopping and blocking practically every Chelski advance and trying whenever possible to turn defence into attack. At Blackburn’s half-empty stadium I thought he was “Man/Boy of the Match”. When he grows up and reaches full height, well, who knows what his prospects could be?

Four points was a reasonable return from three tricky games – and we could have got more. One goal was never going to be enough against a Spurs team sitting in a false position in the table and with their expectations lifted by a change of manager. In the end we could have lost 2-1 as a result of the worst refereeing display I have seen in more than 40 years of coming to games at Upton Park. He gave a penalty in injury time for the most innocuous challenge all day. It was certainly a blood and thunder local derby with lots of aggressive challenges to win 50-50 balls, but, whether it was our players or theirs, I felt that nearly every hard tackle was a genuine attempt to get the ball.

Football fans often feel that their team has been hard done by a crap referee but when they analyse the statistics from the game they usually find that there was only a small discrepancy in decisions going the other team’s way. When I got home after the Spurs game I went straight to the Sporting Life website to check the stats on the game. It was there in black and white. Mike Blimey awarded West Ham five free kicks for Spurs fouls. He had given Spurs 33 – yes 33 - free kicks for alleged West Ham fouls!

When I first started watching West Ham you used to get the usual jibes against refs suggesting they were visually challenged, but you rarely felt that your team had been completely f***** over by someone who just didn’t know what they were doing.

In those days refs were more often pulled up for having played advantage and let the game flow, rather than give free kicks. The most famous case concerned a ref with the wonderful name of Ray Tinkler in charge of a game at Leeds once (not against West Ham). Both teams had stopped after a pretty bad foul. The ball meanwhile had rolled to a Leeds striker Mick Jones who was just inside the opponents’ half. After what seemed an eternity, Tinkler waved play on, and Mick Jones was on a one on one with the goalie and scored!

I was at school at the time and whenever anyone did a crunching leg-breaking foul, some wag (ok, often me) would say: “Referee Ray Tinkler says play on”.

So how does the FA explain away a performance like Mike Riley’s against Spurs? And how on earth is he allowed to continue in his job? In these Big Brother days when everything is monitored and scrutinised to the nth degree it seems there is still no accountability at all for poor refereeing.

Although, if he hadn’t have given the Spuds that dubious penalty we would not have enjoyed one of our golden moments watching that mercenary Defoe being denied from the penalty spot by Robert Green with a fantastic full stretch save. So thanks, then Blind Mike Riley – you made my day.

I can’t remember the last time a West Ham goalie has saved three penalties before we were even half way through the season – maybe there are some anoraks out there with little going on in their life who can check and confirm this statistic.

It would have been a great injustice if Spurs had scored because although they played well and took the game to us, we had the best opportunities and attempts on goal. Unfortunately Robinson gave the kind of display he’s been unable to reproduce for England, making three exceptional saves from good attempts by Rigor Mortis, Ashton and little Scotty.

We didn’t nick it in the end but there was enough in that performance to give me some confidence before the trip to Stamford Bridge. Enough actually, for me to put a couple of bets on, with the Hammers to win 1-0 (19-1) or 2-1 (28-1). At the end of the first half where we had handled ourselves extremely well – being quick in the tackle, composed at the back while making occasional real chances– I had faith that one of my bets might still come off. In the end I think we may have been undone by substitution that weakened rather than strengthened our team at a crucial time. Ljungberg looked scared of upsetting his hair-do and Ashton looked overweight and off the pace. The other factor is that two of our best chances fell to Nobby Solano. For a midfielder, Solano has a Martin Peters-type ability to ghost unchecked into scoring positions. Only trouble is that he is as effective in front of goal as Martin from EastEnders was in keeping his temper.

The goal that beat us may have been marginally offside and we deserved a point, but it is no great shame or disaster to lose by a single goal at the Bridge and we certainly made up for any disappointment with a solid and well-worked victory at the half-empty Blackburn stadium.

I don’t know why I enjoy beating Blackburn so much – they have several players I admire and I quite like their strip even if its not as striking as their blue and white quarters of yesteryear. Maybe it’s simply that the Neanderthal Savage plays for them and there are few players I loathe more than Lily. In fact there are no players I loathe more than Lily Savage.

The game against Blackburn was a useful barometer of our progress. They will be there or thereabouts when it comes to the dogfight for European places at the tail-end of the season and showing that we can more than match them on their manor bodes well for the second half of the season when hopefully we can thrown Faubert into the equation and bring back a fully fit Bellamy. If we can stay nearer to the Euro-battle than to the drop zone by the end of December, and Curbs shows a bit of real ambition, then we may actually attract the players in January who can lift us to the next level.

With four games to play before the half way stage in the season we’ve already got more than half the points we will need to survive and we are holding down a place in the top ten with a very positive goal difference. Tonight we’ve got a chance to progress into the semi-finals of the Coco the Clown Cup, we’ve got a home draw in the FA Cup and are still packing Upton Park for every game, even the ones shown on Scumbag Murdoch’s media. We’ve got good reasons to be optimistic.

Before I sign off though, I’ve just got to go to the oven to heat up some humble pie. I’ve got to admit that we owe some of our progress to a guy called Carlton Cole who has given 110% in the last few games. Carlton Cole is no Joey Cole but neither is he Joey Deacon. His commitment is total, his first touch is improving, his confidence is growing and I’m pleasantly surprised that Curbs has taken the right decision to start with him while waiting for Ashton to look more like a lean-mean scoring machine than the Honey Monster.

I haven’t made a prediction since the first game of the season so here goes: 2-1, first goal a screamer by Great Scott. If I’m wrong, don’t despair, just let it roll on to Saturday.