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OLAS 463 August 23rd 2009

Several players booked, one sent off, fans drinking before and after the game like there’s no tomorrow, fists and missiles flying outside Upton Park tube at 5.15, police horses charging at the crowd and truncheons in full swing – and this was just a friendly game, a sort of gentle reminder to whet our appetites for the season ahead. Every summer I instantly forget the passions that are aroused just strolling down Green Street on a Saturday afternoon, but on the day of the Napoli game it all came flooding back - and only just missed my head!

Oh yes, it was also the day we reminded ourselves of the silken skills and gentlemanly conduct that make the British game what it is today, as we inaugurated the Sir Trevor Brookin’ Stan’ (that’s “Brooking Stand” if you are not from North East London/Essex and you think it is necessary to pronounce the final letter in words after the ‘n’). Trevor had his own inimitable way of enlivening and rousing the passions of the fans – a drop of the shoulder, a clever dummy, a curling shot in the top corner, not getting pissed as a fart and having a fight with the nearest Italian/cop/lamppost he could find. As a player he had a lot more composure than that.

Still it’s good to be back. I think. Usually at this point I have some idea as to what kind of a season we are in for, but this year I’m flummoxed. I’m writing this just after the Napoli game before heading off camping in France for a couple of weeks. While I’m there I won’t have access to the internet and will miss the comings and goings during what is likely to be the more fast and furious period of the transfer window. I’m hoping that when I come back to Blighty, Carlton Cole will have at least one pacy, powerful, experienced striker to have a 1:1 with here at West Ham instead of the 1:0 at the moment. But realistically, I won’t be too surprised to find that we have only managed to pick up an on-loan striker at the fag end of his career, while we have lost Neill and Upson from the defence. And sure, we will be told that every penny we pick up for them, will be reinvested in the January window. And, what’s more, we’ll all believe it, only to find that it has disappeared like last year’s funds to service our debts.

I’m not blaming Zola and Clarke for this; they are doing a fantastic job in the circumstances. Their hands are tied by our current owners, whose hands are tied by those they owe money too, whose hands are probably tied too… However, I also have a theory that the less time I spend looking at the internet praying for a transfer miracle the more likely one might happen (I know, completely unscientific) so by the time you read this it may all look very different, and who knows who will be stepping out in the Claret and Claret?

I nearly said “Claret and Blue” but that beautiful sky blue has all but disappeared from the Home kit – and that makes me feel kind of blue! As for the Away kit, well, let’s not go there. Aren’t these the shittiest kits that could have been dreamt up? I know we are hard up, so I am assuming these were “designed” on the cheap. But, fuck me, if we paid more than 5p each for those drab designs we were totally mugged.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not philosophically opposed to minimalist art and in many ways prefer a Rothko or an Ad Reinhardt to a Jackson Pollock. But, these shirts really are the pits. I’m not saying the kit has to be all flashy, but we ought to look the part. And back in the ‘60s and ‘70s, when Trevor was showing his silken skills, he did so in kits that were ahead of his time.

Have we ever thought of running an OLAS kit design competition and presenting it to the club? We couldn’t do any worse than the tossers they employed to do the job.

There was a rumour that Deano was going to feature on the ads for the new kit but pulled a couple of muscles putting on the shirt. Still a full recovery is expected within five years. Sorry for being cynical but all the claims we were fed last year that he would surely be back for a full pre-season have proved very wide of the mark. Either the club were not aware or not acknowledging the scale of his injuries or they were deliberately treating us like mushrooms: keeping us in the dark and feeding us bullshit. And all so that they could stretch the time-frame before they would have to dig deep into their pockets and finance the loan or purchase of another striker with real knees and ankles that all work.

It is very sad for Deano but my suspicions are not only that we won’t see him on the Upton Park turf again but also that I don’t think he will return to football at this level, despite the alleged interest of Stoke City. For his sake and ours I hope I am very wrong but, in any case, I think the club has accepted that they need at least one more reliable striker now.

All right I’ve had my moan. Now the brighter sides. Because there are very bright sides. Firstly we can only marvel at the number and quality of the youth players that are coming through. Some of these are young players we have bought in with Nani’s help – like Savio, Daprella and Nouble, others are home grown like Tomkins, Noble, Collison, Stanislas and Hines. They may not all make their mark this season but a few of them surely will. And, of that group, Noble seems like an old-hand but in reality he is still very young and learning his trade. He looked particularly sharp against Napoli and his efforts for the England under-21s have surely contributed to raising his game.

I don’t think many clubs, even among the top four, can boast such a crop of talented youngsters coming through. They could turn us into a bit of a surprise package this season and help us pull off some unlikely results, or they could really struggle with their confidence if the early results go against us. And if that is the case we will rely heavily on some of the more experienced hands like Scotty Parker and Keiron Dyer, both of whom are very capable and talented players but more likely to get through a season without serious injury than I am likely to be sitting down having tea with the Queen, discussing the price of Brussels sprouts. On the other hand, we’ve also got Gabbidon back from injury now and looking his old assured self and Valon Behrami soon ready to train again. Valon was outstanding before he was crocked, and is still relatively young.

The other bright star on the horizon is our new-boy - Jimmy. Against Napoli, Jiminez looked a clever and skilful player, who plays the West Ham way. I’m sure will set up some goals for us this year, and hopefully put some away himself. Jiminez, Behrami, Noble and Collison can all play those killer balls through a defence. But all the clever ball players in the world won’t make a difference if we are too shot-shy to hit the target. There was lots of clever approach work against Napoli but little final product. We only managed 42 goals in 38 games last year. If we don’t shoot very often we don’t score very often. Simple as that. It’s like the fella who prays to God and says: “Please God, let me win the lottery.” and God replies: “OK, I’ll see what I can do, but meet me halfway – buy a ticket!”