Hard Times in the North East

OLAS 461 Sunday 24th May 2009

So we are staying put in East London. No European adventures for us. And while it would have been brilliant to have pipped the Spuds, after looking down on them for most of the season, and it would have been valuable experience particularly for our younger players, in truth our team is probably not quite ready yet. That doesn’t mean that there’s nothing to play for today though. (God, that was a good double negative – maybe even better if I wrote ‘not that it doesn’t mean there’s nothing…). Because today we have the opportunity to exact revenge on the team that dumped us out of the F A Cup, after such a promising start to the competition.

I was convinced that we could go all the way to Wem-ber-ley. When we swept past Barnsley and Hartlepool back in January we looked an excellent outsider bet to get to the Cup Final. Zola remembered the excitement of playing in the FA Cup well enough to fire up the players for it in advance – but, when it came to what we did on the pitch, we misfired against Middlesborough and they deserved to put us out. Today, though, we hold a much bigger punishment over them. We are all that stands between them and a 12-month visit to the “Championship” league. Now there’s a misnomer for you! Let’s call a spade a spade and recast that sentence: “We are all that stands between them and a 12 month visit to the crappy, crappy, crap league for crappy, crappy, crap teams” – we should know. After all, it wasn’t so long ago that we were down there ourselves in the crap.

And even if Middlesborough beat us today they will depend for their survival on Hull losing heavily to the newly crowned champions just a few days before Manure play in the Champions League final. I can’t see Manure playing their best players or going in hard for every 50-50 ball, and if Hull keep their shape I think a draw is on the cards there or a narrow defeat for the Tigers. Boro must also rely on their rather unpredictable neighbours in Newcastle to get nothing out of their game against Villa too. And just to emphasise what a cheerful place the North East is – Sunderland’s defeat at Portsmouth means they are not safe yet either. Hard times for Geordies indeed.

Here at Upton Park, with 6 weeks to go, it was great (and an unusual experience) to be playing the fag end of the season with a realistic chance of getting a European place rather than scrambling to escape relegation or going through the motions having achieved a safe place in mid-table-no-man’s-land. A combination of severe injuries to the wrong players, poor refereeing and some piss-poor performances by those without injuries (especially Di Michele and Kojak - his unbelievable goal at Everton notwithstanding) have ended that Euro dream. But the chance to send Middlesborough down is a terrific incentive for a stirring final day performance.

I don’t exactly hate them, but of the three North Eastern teams fighting relegation Boro are the ones I care for least. Both Newcastle and Sunderland seem to have really passionate fans – I can’t understand a fucking word they say, but I acknowledge they are passionate about their team and, like us, when we have gone through bad patches, they are still well capable of filling their stadium with fans that forgive them and adore them.

I suppose I’ve got a soft spot for Newcastle because they featured in the first game I came to at Upton Park in November 1966. We won 3-0 – but Newcastle played their part in an open attacking game. So for historical and nostalgic reasons, when we play Newcastle it reminds me that we’re in the right league.

Sunderland have of course been much more of a yo-yo side but again I have great memories of games against them. In that first season I came to Upton Park I saw Geoff Hurst nod in an injury time equaliser from an impossible angle. After that 2-2 game I never felt able to leave before the final whistle whatever pile of shit was being served up at our “football academy”. And, a couple of years later, Sunderland were the victims in the biggest slaughter I have ever seen on a football pitch when we demolished them 8-0. They were 4 down at half time but they didn’t stop playing football. Somewhere back in the mists of that time we also went 1-0 down away to Sunderland but responded with five goals in a 15-minute period of the second half.

So I still cherish the chance to play Sunderland or Newcastle but Boro can shove off. I won’t miss them.

I used to live with a Geordie when I was a student. My impressions of a Geordie accent were generally acknowledged by the rest of the household to be far better than his attempts of a London accent, which had him sounding like Dick Van Dyck in Mary Poppins, or more often just sounding like a dick. When my friend Mick got stressed he used to put his jacket on and announce: “Um gan dooner rood coz me heeds bostin” which looks rather Icelandic but translates from Geordie to: “I’m going down the road because my head’s bursting”

And speaking of Icelandic, it looks like their days as West Ham’s owners are fast disappearing. Who owns the club next is anybody’s guess, but they would be well advised not to interfere with the team management set up. The Steve and Franco combination is one that has already made many changes for the better, not least is that we go forwards rather than backwards with the ball most of the time now. Franco has restored some dignity to the club which rightly took a battering. I admire his positivity, and with proper backing he and Steve Clarke can bring both excitement and success.

The most dedicated fans who have followed the Hammers round the country have tasted the most excitement and success most this season. The 4-1 win at Portsmouth, and the draws at Chelsea and Liverpool were more memorable than our inconsistent home performances. Our victory at Upton park over man City was memorable for rubbing Bellamy’s nose in it and the first 80 minutes against Everton with Collison’s outstanding goal was fantastic, but then we collapsed. The only game at home where we really won comfortably, playing sparkling football, and created enough chances to double or treble or score was against Hull City. Only the woodwork and their excellent goalkeeper kept the score down

Their challenge for the summer will be to unload the deadwood, hold on to our key players, ensure the walking wounded are back to full fitness for August and bring in at least 3 additions to the squad. I’m pessimistic about holding on to both Greeny and Upson and if one of them had to go to help bring in new players, it would be Mattie for me. Tomkins and Collins can make a fine central partnership.

Holding on to Tomkins, Collisson and Noble is the priority. Along with Savio, Junior Stan and Behrami we have six young players whose enthusiasm hasn’t been dented yet and are determined to make their mark. It is up to the club to ensure that they do it in the claret and blue (and that doesn’t mean Aston Villa).

I would like to believe that Ashton can return to full fitness and become the great player he was originally looked destined to be. And listen Deano, I returned to Tuesday night football this week, after a long layoff with injuries but I also managed to lose a stone and a half to prepare for coming back. If I can do it at 51 years old, you ought to be able to, you great tub of lard.

If we don’t hang on to Lucas Neill that is no disaster, though he has actually been one of our more consistent performers this year – and I don’t mean consistently shite, quite the opposite. But to me he doesn’t play a captain’s role and I would like to see Scott Parker take on that leadership role.

If the club are serious about pushing on they will have to strengthen the squad in all the key areas. We are crying out for a striker with physical presence and pace who is a natural goalscorer and whose name isn’t Tristan, to give us serious options in addition to Ashton and Cole. And if Nani hasn’t scouted one on the continent yet, we may find one here among the teams that are relegated or finished low, who would want to be at a club that can push for a European place.

Equally we desperately need a tricky and creative midfielder/winger. Savio is undoubtedly one in the making but we also need one who is ready now. And at right back, as a replacement for Lucas sooner or later, we need a tough tackling player who can stay in position and drive the team forward.

That’s what we have to do in the next few weeks – but today we want a home performance to remember and we want to see the looks on the faces of the tossers who dumped us out of the cup. Hope all my fellow scribblers have a good summer, and thanks, Gary, for giving us the space to unload our truly random thoughts. COYI!!!!