OLAS 452 January 18th 2009
How did that old Stranglers song go? “Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky? He got an ice pick that made his ears burn…”
What I want to know is whatever happened to that spherical super-striker dear old Brian Dear? If you think Frankie Lumpard is a tub of lard, well Brian Dear would have made him look like an anorexic supermodel.
Now why, all of a sudden, am I wondering about Brian Dear, my dear readers? Well it was a freezing cold day in February 1968 when I was getting ready to go to West Ham v Fulham and the sky turned white. Huge flakes of snow came down for about half an hour but miraculously didn’t settle. I had been worried that the game would be called off but it wasn’t – and what a game! Fulham scored first (Stevie Earle) but on 30 minutes West Ham got a corner, players jumped, the ball was propelled towards the goal but hit an immoveable obstacle right near the goal line. it was Brian Dear. The ball hit him on the chest, dropped to his feet, and he lifted a leg and back-heeled it in. Cheeky or what?
And that’s how it started. Twenty-five minutes later we were 5-1 up. And there was more to come. Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst added two further goals with Alan Clarke getting one more back for Fulham in between. The final score? 7-2. With Hurst soon to be joined by Clyde Best and Pop Robson, dear old Brian Dear didn’t get too many more outings. But I’ll always remember that cheeky goal, that incredible game, and think about the life of Brian. Apparently he still holds a record in the English game for the quickest five goals by one player – all in a 20 minute period against West Bromwich Albion in 1965.
So, Gianfranco, you are committed to attacking football, and here we are playing Fulham around this time of year again, and I’d like to see us tear them apart the way we did in ‘68. We’re certainly finding the net again – 11 in the last four games – and I have to say it, Carlton Cole’s goal against the barcodes was straight out of the Geoff Hurst copybook. Instead of his usual first-touch fumble and flop, he took the ball on his knee, made a quick turn then thump - a rising shot at lightning speed blasted into the roof of the net with his left peg. I thought I was dreaming at first, but it was true.
Going back to Fulham for a mo. The legendary Johnny Haynes captained the team that endured the 7-2 humiliation. He was a superb passer of the ball and Fulham legend who bawled his eyes out the one time he was booked. Now if Julian dicks behaved like that he would have run out of tears.
But Johnny Haynes was a great footballer and, when he retired, even though he wasn’t West Ham, I went to his testimonial match. You don’t get many chances to see the true greats. (I popped down to Fulham a few years later to see them play a friendly against Santos in which Pele was playing). Anyway getting to Johnny Haynes testimonial was a bit of a shlep for two young kids – my brother and me – so my mum took us. I don’t remember much about the game just that there were lots of guest players and even more goals. What stands out in my mind was walking up the Fulham Road after the game to get to the tube when we recognised a Fulham player – Stan Horne. we stopped him and got his autograph and he invited my mum to come and have a drink in the pub. Think he might have been getting Stan Horny. Anyway she turned him down, mumbled something about us having school in the morning. And to think I could have had a footballer going out with my mum…
So, anything interesting happening in your life since 2009? Certainly a lot has been happening here. Uncharacteristically, we have gone smoothly through the third round of the Cup. The first season I stated watching West Ham we lost 3-1 to 3rd division Swindon in a replay at this stage and it hasn’t got much better over the years (apart from 1975, 80 and 2006). I warned in the last OLAS that there might be some unexpected absences with “flu” against Baaarnsley and described how I was biting my nails waiting to see that Green, Noble and Bellamy would be on the field getting cup-tied. Well, there were all out there but dear, oh dear, where was Matthew Upson? He was out son. Down with “flu” or so they say… but as I write he is still with us, as are all our “stars” despite some silly money offers. Either the club is serious about a principled decision to hold on to its assets or they are waiting for offers in excess of £15million.
We have lost a couple of fringe players. I wonder if Mattie had a bet that he’s move on? He’s not been himself for a while so maybe a new start at Stoke will do him good. And Bowyer’s gone – but only on loan – to Brimingham. If it weren’t for the credit crunch I would have bought him myself and dumped him in the Midlands. Rumour has it that LBM may be on his way to Hull. Now readers of this column will know he is not my favourite player, but in the last few weeks he has shown more of what I thought he could do, and though I don’t really want to say it publicly, and please don’t tell anyone I said it, I think I want him to stay. But looking through the other end of the telescope I haven’t seen any stars heading this way either. We’re on a good run at the moment, sitting in the top half of the table. playing some sparkling football in patches, and this surely is the time to build in any way we can. I’ll be mighty disappointed if we can’t get another couple of players, even on loan, by the end of the month.
Next up in the cup, a trip to the North east again to Hartlepool famous for the hanging of a monkey during the Napoleonic wars, whoim they mistook for a French spy! (why couldn’t they just spank him?) and also notorious for its loathsome and haunting former MP, now Lord Mandelson. He was the one who, when he first stood for that constituency, popped into a chippie in Harlepool and asked for some guacamole having failed to recognise the gooey snot-like green formation as mushy peas! I used to eat this delicacy myself when I was a student in Leeds. I got them from our local chippie opposite the uni called “Sweaty Betty’s” which, for some odd reason. always made me think about sweaty balls. Anyway we have a great chance to progress to the fifth round and I fancy a home tie against a premiership team to spice things up.
Talking of the premiership, those august institutions - the Premier League and the FA want our bollox on a plate as Tevezgate re-opens. And this is serious. I guess a lot will depend on Kia who has wormed his way into the Upton Park set up. I think he is going to extract a lot of secret promises that are going to keep him quiet and earning a pretty penny for a long time for any assistance he can offer the club in keeping the FA sweet (note to readers: “FA sweet” is different to “sweet FA”). I suspect we may get hit for a further fine but I don’t think there will be a points reduction and this will almost be the end of the affair. Whatever outcome, it will force the Sheffield United claim to be dealt with. Let’s hope that no one at the club, whatever the temptation, is stupid enough to take us on that kind of adventure again.
But what are the guarantees? The only possible safeguard is accountability and transparency and that means a complete ovehaul of how the club is working at the moment. You wonder how much they even tell the chirpy little man, Zola. Still what Zola is getting the players to do on the pitch means that we are happy to focus there, and the players are apparently unfazed by it, but it will be a nagging worry until it is sorted.
So a tough game today. Welcome back to old faces, and welcome to Roy Hodgson who has a funny face. I always think he looks like a character from an old British movie. a kind of ordinary Joe who plods away saying ‘all right guv” when you pass. Bless him. The returning refugees and outcasts will be desperate to do well, none more so than Bobby Zamora. I won’t be surprised of he nabs a goal but I think we can nick it. It’s a New Year, time for a prediction. I’ll go 7-2. I should get good odds on that. Only joking. But a mini-goal fest ending 3-2 wouldn’t surprise me. with Bellers and Cole on target again. And maybe Collision too.
So on a cold Sunday in January I’ll be in the Doc Martens Upper waiting for, and expecting, every goal, And as the Stranglers also said “I can think of a lot worse places to be like down on the streets or down in the sewer, or even on the end of a skewer”...or up before the FA?
Let’s put that to one side today and remember East is East and West is West. Let’s show that East is the best. And by the way Leon Trotsky was murdered in Mexico in 1940 by agents of Stalin, though his book “Fascism what it is and how to fight it” remains a classic, and Brian Dear, the last I heard was running a pub. COYI!!!
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Saturday, 3 January 2009
The circus comes to town
OLAS 451 January 3rd 2009
People do have irrational fears. For some it’s spiders or earwigs. For others it’s facial hair or talking babies in films. Some people fear certain situations – like confined spaces or darkness. But one that I’ve always found it hard to get my head around is “Coulrophobia” – a fear of clowns. I love them but I know that not everyone does. And I’m well aware that one of the great voices of our times, Bart Simpson, famously said: “Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.”
After the Stoke game I feel I ought to issue a loud and clear warning to any coulrophobics out there to avoid Upton Park. The match was a 90-minute circus. End to end yes, but a circus nevertheless. Shambolic defending in both areas; promising moves breaking down by pathetically misplaced passes behind rather than in front of players; the referee sliding over; shots that would go anywhere but on target, Slowbear Faubert grinning inanely as he overlapped and even went round defenders only to plant his crosses somewhere in the upper stand; Carlton Cole at his profligate worst, then turning on a sixpence to plant a beautiful goal in the corner; and, of course, Stoke City’s unique contribution – players on the same team slapping and shoving each other (which the ref failed to see the funny side of). all they needed were some cakes to push in each other’s faces.
Clowns walk that tightrope and swing that trapeze between the extremes of happiness and sadness. Apparently this is the root cause of some of the fears about them. Their smile is not real but painted on (bet some of you didn’t know that) and you can only guess their “real” emotions. Well West Ham’s clowns confused and upset me a little bit against Stoke, and I don’t think I was the only one in the ground who, for most of the game, didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
At the final whistle though I was laughing like a drain. Three bizarre points popped into the bag. A player whose glittering international reputation was built on a series of spectacular strikes fell to his knees in joy after the ball bounced off him into the goal in the 88th minute. And suddenly we were back in the top half of the table. The news that Tottenham had lost 2-0 to the bottom club crowned the day. I laughed till the tears rolled down my legs.
Over the years I’ve become accustomed to West Ham, looking like a bunch of Christmas puds, struggling to pick up any points over the Christmas period, so 6 points from the two games this year is a real bonus and I’m pleased and relieved for Zola and Clarke. Even better, the points were gained at the expense of the right teams. It would have certainly been a wheeze to have won at Liverpool and Chelsea then drawn with Portsmouth and Stoke, but Liverpool and Chelsea are not our rivals in any meaningful sense, and it is much more useful to take points off the other teams struggling to pull clear of relegation worries.
So just over the halfway mark we find ourselves in 10th place, still only five points above the drop zone, but at the same time able to set our sights on dislodging the teams immediately above us – Fulham, Hull and Wigan – two of whom will visit Upton Park in January. Fulham are pulling off some impressive results, but player for player we should at least match them, and we won at Craven Cottage back in September. Hull are in a false position, still propelled by the adrenalin of promotion but running out of juice and they face a tough, tough second half of the season. Wigan are an enigma, a yo-yo side, capable of testing the best and struggling against the worst (bit like us really) but again we’ve already turned them over once this season.
The top six are established now and their mini-league is probably closed off to others for the rest of the campaign. Some people may be mildly interested who wins the title – I’m not, but I’d like to see Villa and Everton push the Arse into 6th place. Below them is one huge free-for-all where just 10 points separate 14 teams. And with the bottom team on 18 points at this stage, reaching 40 points may not prove enough to keep a team in the top flight. Every match from here on in, when any of these 14 teams face each other, is a relegation battle.
On the field, despite the dodgy win against Stoke, West Ham are definitely on an upward trajectory. Eleven points from the last seven games compares favourably with just two points from the previous seven. And with a bit of luck we might have got more. Unfortunately, it is off the field though that our fate will most likely be decided and here is where we might indulge in some collective coulrophobia – because who knows what stunts the clowns running this club of ours will pull next? Unlike cases of true coulrophobia, our fears are totally, totally rational.
If Gary’s source is accurate and every single player we possess is potentially up for sale during January, then all the efforts of the last few weeks to turn it around will come to nought. Our squad is lacking in quality, not blessed with an abundance of it, and letting go of any of our top players now for a quick buck would be suicidal.
The first indication of whether our fears are accurate will come today in the distraction of the F.A. Cup. If a couple of our star players are missing, don’t be fooled by the rationalisation that the Cup offers the chance to give some other squad players a run-out; and don’t believe any tales of players laid down low by flu or viruses. It’s bollox - because essentially it translates to: “These players are being transferred and the buyers refuse to meet the asking price if they are cup-tied.” Which is why I will be mighty relieved to see Bellend, Nobes and Greeny out there today, and why I suspect that at least one of them, possibly more, will mysteriously not appear.
Leaving my paranoia aside, a cup run would be a major boost during a difficult season. As Portsmouth showed last year, and we ourselves showed under Pardew, the cup can be a great leveller. Barnsley did well against top-flight sides last year and will be no pushovers. I’ve got a soft spot for Baaaaarnsleee – nothing to do with football though. It was the birthplace of great comedians like Harry Worth and Charlie Williams (ask your mum – she’ll remember them), singer/songwriter Kate Rusby and trade unionist/serial Thatcher-hater Arthur Scargill, which makes it a top location in my view.
Scargill may be a fanatical Leeds supporter and, yes, he did that annoying Bobby Charlton thing with his hair, but he knew what Thatcher was doing with the mines from day one. The mines have gone, and in many of the desolated villages left behind the only expanding industry today is selling heroin. Young empty lives lost to escapism from misery and unemployment while the demented old bat is still flitting about.
Now Charlie Williams was actually a professional footballer playing centre half for Doncaster Rovers before becoming a comedian. With great honesty he described his footballing prowess: “I was never a fancy player but I could stop them buggers that were.” He would have seen the irony last Sunday at Upton Park, where several comedians were masquerading as footballers. Let’s hope that today the emphasis is on serious fun and that we ensure a place in the fourth round draw. So here’s to a great 2009 where all our fears prove unfounded and our dreams don’t fade or die. See you at Wembley. COYI!!!
People do have irrational fears. For some it’s spiders or earwigs. For others it’s facial hair or talking babies in films. Some people fear certain situations – like confined spaces or darkness. But one that I’ve always found it hard to get my head around is “Coulrophobia” – a fear of clowns. I love them but I know that not everyone does. And I’m well aware that one of the great voices of our times, Bart Simpson, famously said: “Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.”
After the Stoke game I feel I ought to issue a loud and clear warning to any coulrophobics out there to avoid Upton Park. The match was a 90-minute circus. End to end yes, but a circus nevertheless. Shambolic defending in both areas; promising moves breaking down by pathetically misplaced passes behind rather than in front of players; the referee sliding over; shots that would go anywhere but on target, Slowbear Faubert grinning inanely as he overlapped and even went round defenders only to plant his crosses somewhere in the upper stand; Carlton Cole at his profligate worst, then turning on a sixpence to plant a beautiful goal in the corner; and, of course, Stoke City’s unique contribution – players on the same team slapping and shoving each other (which the ref failed to see the funny side of). all they needed were some cakes to push in each other’s faces.
Clowns walk that tightrope and swing that trapeze between the extremes of happiness and sadness. Apparently this is the root cause of some of the fears about them. Their smile is not real but painted on (bet some of you didn’t know that) and you can only guess their “real” emotions. Well West Ham’s clowns confused and upset me a little bit against Stoke, and I don’t think I was the only one in the ground who, for most of the game, didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
At the final whistle though I was laughing like a drain. Three bizarre points popped into the bag. A player whose glittering international reputation was built on a series of spectacular strikes fell to his knees in joy after the ball bounced off him into the goal in the 88th minute. And suddenly we were back in the top half of the table. The news that Tottenham had lost 2-0 to the bottom club crowned the day. I laughed till the tears rolled down my legs.
Over the years I’ve become accustomed to West Ham, looking like a bunch of Christmas puds, struggling to pick up any points over the Christmas period, so 6 points from the two games this year is a real bonus and I’m pleased and relieved for Zola and Clarke. Even better, the points were gained at the expense of the right teams. It would have certainly been a wheeze to have won at Liverpool and Chelsea then drawn with Portsmouth and Stoke, but Liverpool and Chelsea are not our rivals in any meaningful sense, and it is much more useful to take points off the other teams struggling to pull clear of relegation worries.
So just over the halfway mark we find ourselves in 10th place, still only five points above the drop zone, but at the same time able to set our sights on dislodging the teams immediately above us – Fulham, Hull and Wigan – two of whom will visit Upton Park in January. Fulham are pulling off some impressive results, but player for player we should at least match them, and we won at Craven Cottage back in September. Hull are in a false position, still propelled by the adrenalin of promotion but running out of juice and they face a tough, tough second half of the season. Wigan are an enigma, a yo-yo side, capable of testing the best and struggling against the worst (bit like us really) but again we’ve already turned them over once this season.
The top six are established now and their mini-league is probably closed off to others for the rest of the campaign. Some people may be mildly interested who wins the title – I’m not, but I’d like to see Villa and Everton push the Arse into 6th place. Below them is one huge free-for-all where just 10 points separate 14 teams. And with the bottom team on 18 points at this stage, reaching 40 points may not prove enough to keep a team in the top flight. Every match from here on in, when any of these 14 teams face each other, is a relegation battle.
On the field, despite the dodgy win against Stoke, West Ham are definitely on an upward trajectory. Eleven points from the last seven games compares favourably with just two points from the previous seven. And with a bit of luck we might have got more. Unfortunately, it is off the field though that our fate will most likely be decided and here is where we might indulge in some collective coulrophobia – because who knows what stunts the clowns running this club of ours will pull next? Unlike cases of true coulrophobia, our fears are totally, totally rational.
If Gary’s source is accurate and every single player we possess is potentially up for sale during January, then all the efforts of the last few weeks to turn it around will come to nought. Our squad is lacking in quality, not blessed with an abundance of it, and letting go of any of our top players now for a quick buck would be suicidal.
The first indication of whether our fears are accurate will come today in the distraction of the F.A. Cup. If a couple of our star players are missing, don’t be fooled by the rationalisation that the Cup offers the chance to give some other squad players a run-out; and don’t believe any tales of players laid down low by flu or viruses. It’s bollox - because essentially it translates to: “These players are being transferred and the buyers refuse to meet the asking price if they are cup-tied.” Which is why I will be mighty relieved to see Bellend, Nobes and Greeny out there today, and why I suspect that at least one of them, possibly more, will mysteriously not appear.
Leaving my paranoia aside, a cup run would be a major boost during a difficult season. As Portsmouth showed last year, and we ourselves showed under Pardew, the cup can be a great leveller. Barnsley did well against top-flight sides last year and will be no pushovers. I’ve got a soft spot for Baaaaarnsleee – nothing to do with football though. It was the birthplace of great comedians like Harry Worth and Charlie Williams (ask your mum – she’ll remember them), singer/songwriter Kate Rusby and trade unionist/serial Thatcher-hater Arthur Scargill, which makes it a top location in my view.
Scargill may be a fanatical Leeds supporter and, yes, he did that annoying Bobby Charlton thing with his hair, but he knew what Thatcher was doing with the mines from day one. The mines have gone, and in many of the desolated villages left behind the only expanding industry today is selling heroin. Young empty lives lost to escapism from misery and unemployment while the demented old bat is still flitting about.
Now Charlie Williams was actually a professional footballer playing centre half for Doncaster Rovers before becoming a comedian. With great honesty he described his footballing prowess: “I was never a fancy player but I could stop them buggers that were.” He would have seen the irony last Sunday at Upton Park, where several comedians were masquerading as footballers. Let’s hope that today the emphasis is on serious fun and that we ensure a place in the fourth round draw. So here’s to a great 2009 where all our fears prove unfounded and our dreams don’t fade or die. See you at Wembley. COYI!!!
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Carlton Pathetic
OLAS 550 December 28th 2008
“They fly so high, nearly reach the sky” – why the fuck can’t he head the ball downwards into an empty goal like every other centre forward?
I’ve tried to be understanding of Carlton Cole over the last couple of years but I’ve lost patience completely because his mistakes are costing us so dearly now. Against Liverpool late in the second half he had a simple ball to play across for Bellamy to tap in. Versus Chelsea he had a simple chance in the 2nd minute of injury time. There was no way Chelsea would have come back from that. Against Villa, apart from the header he ballooned over when it was easier to score, he wasted all of Bellamy’s great work when he got round the defence and pulled the ball back to the 6-yard line. Instead of nine points from those three games we have two. Instead of being comfortably in the top half we are hovering just above the drop zone with our feet almost touching it.
In the top half of the table, holding our own against the top clubs, playing good football on the ground, with a forward looking manager and coach combination, and some top youth players coming through, we would be the kind of team that players would want to join. Hovering above the drop zone, we will be shunned or ignored.
There‘s an old song from the depression years of the ‘20s and ‘30s that are looming again ominously: “No, nobody wants you, when you’re down and out. In your pocket not one penny, and your friends no, no, you ain’t got any…”
And that is how we will be going into the crucial January transfer window thanks principally to Carlton Cole. It’s not that I think he is incapable of improving – of course he can. But right now he needs to be out of the starting eleven. Zola needs to say to him - work every day to improve your game and try to win your place back by February. Ciao. In the meantime we’ll let Freddie Sears and Tristan have a proper go. They can’t do worse. And they may make Bellamy, who is currently playing magnificently, feel less frustrated and less likely to fuck off to Man City. Mind you if Bellend thinks he’ll be teaming up with Mark Hughes again by going there, I wouldn’t bank on it. It looks to me like Hughes’ days are numbered.
If anyone thinks players have a cap on their talent and can’t improve their game beyond a certain point, they should go and watch Fulham who have gained more points at Craven Cottage than we have at home or on the road combined. And listen for the names – Paintsil, Konchesky, Bullard and Zamora – any of them sound familiar? Every one on them has greatly improved on their contribution at Upton Park.
And if Carlton Cole feels lonely while his working to improve and he needs company let’s give him Lee Bowyer – another player who should not be on the pitch at the moment. Although I suppose I’d rather he fecked off altogether.
I know if I’m truly honest with myself, it’s not just to do with football. I don’t like or respect Bowyer as a person, don’t appreciate the things he has done in the past off the field, and don’t feel there was ever any meaningful contrition for his anti-social behaviour. But for today I’ll keep it purely on an objective footballing level. He is shit. He is a waste of space. He can’t sustain a challenge without pretending he is hurt, doesn’t track back , often passes poorly and gets caught out of position. And that’s just his good qualities…
I’ve been 100% behind Zola and Clarke but I do believe that if they persist in playing Cole ad Bowyer they will become complicit in keeping West ham near to the drop zone and far from the gaze of players who may want to make their mark in the Premier League.
We may think of West Ham as a shambolic set up riddled with debts, where no-one running the club can be believed in any utterance they make, due to make a substantial contribution soon to Sheffield United Cheats and Thieves Benevolent Fund, and gradually denuding itself of its best players for very short term financial relief. But there is another and more positive way of looking at the Club.
In Green, Upson, Collison, Behrami, Parker, Noble and Bellamy we have players that many other teams would be jealous of, and they could constitute the core of a very considerable team that blends experience with youth. We have immensely loyal supporters and a youth academy that still brings great young players into premier league football. If somebody who was serious about football took over, now that we are for sale, then an investment in four quality players would give us a team that could slug it out for a European place rather than perspiring to avoid the drop.
The likelihood of getting a footballing person rather than a shyster capitalist is pretty low but I haven’t given up hoping for that yet. Whatever happened to Tony Cottee and his mates? I just hope that whoever comes in will persist with Zola and Clarke even if it takes another two months to gain some distance from the drop zone because if they are allowed to carry on their revolution and are supported well they will ultimately bring both excitement and success to Upton Park.
A lot of what is good and positive about the Zola/Clarke combination was in evidence eon Saturday against Villa. We certainly had the better of the game and looked especially dangerous when we played passes over or around their defence for Bellamy to run onto. The work rate of all the players and running off the ball was tremendous, the defence looked tight and disciplined and the chances Villa did have were usually down to the odd mistake by our players. We tested their goalie on several occasions, and thoroughly deserved at least one, if not three points from the game. But we were carrying our 11th player – Cole – and could only replace Parker and Collison with fresh legs on the bodies of less skilled, combative and creative players (Mullins and Bowyer). That is ultimately why we failed. The teams that are succeeding in pulling results out when they seem unlikely are those who can introduce quality and contrast from the bench. We struggle to do this with our current squad.
And so to Stoke, who have acquitted themselves fairly well as a newly promoted team, pulling off some good results. I’ve no complaints about them beating the Arse 2-0. This is a must-win and it would be nice to do it with some style. Though Hammers with a sense of history will remember the perils of going 3-0 up against Stoke. They once did us 4-3 from that situation. I wasn’t there that day but I was the year after when we again stormed into three-goal lead, but they pulled three back in the second half then hit the bar with the last kick of the game by Harry Burrows (sounds more like a private eye than a footballer). So if you follow this historical/hysterical warning, the most important thing is to get the fourth goal! Any volunteers? Actually any volunteers to get the first goal would be welcome.
Sorry if this post has been uncharacteristically serious – it just reflects my frustrations about the current situation and I know I’m not alone. But I’ll finish with a joke:
Two snails mug a tortoise. Afterwards, the cops ask him if he could describe his attackers. “Not really,” says the Tortoise, “it all happened so fast...” (Couldn’t have been Bowyer or Cole then.)
“They fly so high, nearly reach the sky” – why the fuck can’t he head the ball downwards into an empty goal like every other centre forward?
I’ve tried to be understanding of Carlton Cole over the last couple of years but I’ve lost patience completely because his mistakes are costing us so dearly now. Against Liverpool late in the second half he had a simple ball to play across for Bellamy to tap in. Versus Chelsea he had a simple chance in the 2nd minute of injury time. There was no way Chelsea would have come back from that. Against Villa, apart from the header he ballooned over when it was easier to score, he wasted all of Bellamy’s great work when he got round the defence and pulled the ball back to the 6-yard line. Instead of nine points from those three games we have two. Instead of being comfortably in the top half we are hovering just above the drop zone with our feet almost touching it.
In the top half of the table, holding our own against the top clubs, playing good football on the ground, with a forward looking manager and coach combination, and some top youth players coming through, we would be the kind of team that players would want to join. Hovering above the drop zone, we will be shunned or ignored.
There‘s an old song from the depression years of the ‘20s and ‘30s that are looming again ominously: “No, nobody wants you, when you’re down and out. In your pocket not one penny, and your friends no, no, you ain’t got any…”
And that is how we will be going into the crucial January transfer window thanks principally to Carlton Cole. It’s not that I think he is incapable of improving – of course he can. But right now he needs to be out of the starting eleven. Zola needs to say to him - work every day to improve your game and try to win your place back by February. Ciao. In the meantime we’ll let Freddie Sears and Tristan have a proper go. They can’t do worse. And they may make Bellamy, who is currently playing magnificently, feel less frustrated and less likely to fuck off to Man City. Mind you if Bellend thinks he’ll be teaming up with Mark Hughes again by going there, I wouldn’t bank on it. It looks to me like Hughes’ days are numbered.
If anyone thinks players have a cap on their talent and can’t improve their game beyond a certain point, they should go and watch Fulham who have gained more points at Craven Cottage than we have at home or on the road combined. And listen for the names – Paintsil, Konchesky, Bullard and Zamora – any of them sound familiar? Every one on them has greatly improved on their contribution at Upton Park.
And if Carlton Cole feels lonely while his working to improve and he needs company let’s give him Lee Bowyer – another player who should not be on the pitch at the moment. Although I suppose I’d rather he fecked off altogether.
I know if I’m truly honest with myself, it’s not just to do with football. I don’t like or respect Bowyer as a person, don’t appreciate the things he has done in the past off the field, and don’t feel there was ever any meaningful contrition for his anti-social behaviour. But for today I’ll keep it purely on an objective footballing level. He is shit. He is a waste of space. He can’t sustain a challenge without pretending he is hurt, doesn’t track back , often passes poorly and gets caught out of position. And that’s just his good qualities…
I’ve been 100% behind Zola and Clarke but I do believe that if they persist in playing Cole ad Bowyer they will become complicit in keeping West ham near to the drop zone and far from the gaze of players who may want to make their mark in the Premier League.
We may think of West Ham as a shambolic set up riddled with debts, where no-one running the club can be believed in any utterance they make, due to make a substantial contribution soon to Sheffield United Cheats and Thieves Benevolent Fund, and gradually denuding itself of its best players for very short term financial relief. But there is another and more positive way of looking at the Club.
In Green, Upson, Collison, Behrami, Parker, Noble and Bellamy we have players that many other teams would be jealous of, and they could constitute the core of a very considerable team that blends experience with youth. We have immensely loyal supporters and a youth academy that still brings great young players into premier league football. If somebody who was serious about football took over, now that we are for sale, then an investment in four quality players would give us a team that could slug it out for a European place rather than perspiring to avoid the drop.
The likelihood of getting a footballing person rather than a shyster capitalist is pretty low but I haven’t given up hoping for that yet. Whatever happened to Tony Cottee and his mates? I just hope that whoever comes in will persist with Zola and Clarke even if it takes another two months to gain some distance from the drop zone because if they are allowed to carry on their revolution and are supported well they will ultimately bring both excitement and success to Upton Park.
A lot of what is good and positive about the Zola/Clarke combination was in evidence eon Saturday against Villa. We certainly had the better of the game and looked especially dangerous when we played passes over or around their defence for Bellamy to run onto. The work rate of all the players and running off the ball was tremendous, the defence looked tight and disciplined and the chances Villa did have were usually down to the odd mistake by our players. We tested their goalie on several occasions, and thoroughly deserved at least one, if not three points from the game. But we were carrying our 11th player – Cole – and could only replace Parker and Collison with fresh legs on the bodies of less skilled, combative and creative players (Mullins and Bowyer). That is ultimately why we failed. The teams that are succeeding in pulling results out when they seem unlikely are those who can introduce quality and contrast from the bench. We struggle to do this with our current squad.
And so to Stoke, who have acquitted themselves fairly well as a newly promoted team, pulling off some good results. I’ve no complaints about them beating the Arse 2-0. This is a must-win and it would be nice to do it with some style. Though Hammers with a sense of history will remember the perils of going 3-0 up against Stoke. They once did us 4-3 from that situation. I wasn’t there that day but I was the year after when we again stormed into three-goal lead, but they pulled three back in the second half then hit the bar with the last kick of the game by Harry Burrows (sounds more like a private eye than a footballer). So if you follow this historical/hysterical warning, the most important thing is to get the fourth goal! Any volunteers? Actually any volunteers to get the first goal would be welcome.
Sorry if this post has been uncharacteristically serious – it just reflects my frustrations about the current situation and I know I’m not alone. But I’ll finish with a joke:
Two snails mug a tortoise. Afterwards, the cops ask him if he could describe his attackers. “Not really,” says the Tortoise, “it all happened so fast...” (Couldn’t have been Bowyer or Cole then.)
Monday, 22 December 2008
Dreams of 0-0
OLAS No 449 December 20th 2008
In the last two years I have been invited to run some sessions on History teaching for trainee primary teachers on a course at London Metropolitan University. It is challenging and rewarding work, and it also means that I get invited to the departmental Christmas lunch. At the lunch last week in a posh French restaurant I sat chatting to a serious academic. One minute we were discussing theories of knowledge; the next we were lamenting the recent sad demise of Oliver Postgate, who dreamt up and made possible the ever-reliable and comforting, “Ivor the Engine”, the always entertaining, “Bagpuss” and the whacky but formidable “Clangers”. My academic friend expressed everyone’s feeling around the table when he said that “Ivor the Engine” was truly excellent but, he then confided in me, “I didn’t get Clangers. I just didn’t get it.”
As the Chelsea - West Ham match unfolded I had an inkling of what he meant and how he felt. Having watched West Ham for the last 42 years I still don’t understand them. The night of the debacle against Spurs I went to bed feeling frustrated and low, slipped into a deep sleep and dreamt about West Ham playing Chelsea. My brain played tricks on me and I woke up happy believing that we had scraped an unlikely draw (0-0). Then I realised it was only Tuesday. There have been times when I’ve cashed my football dreams in on correct score bets, but I’ve had a few duff ones too, and some nights I don’t dream about footie at all, so I’ve learned not to trust my dreams. And, besides, what kind of a person dreams of watching 0-0 draws? All right, apart from Alan Curbishley, George Graham or Alistair Darling, what kind of ...
After ‘orrible October our mini revival brought very welcome points against Portsmouth, Sunderland and Liverpool. But what worried me though, was how poor our forward line was in each of these games. Against the Spuds we hit rock bottom – and it was back to the drawing board. To be honest, even if we had beaten Spurs we would have still feared an away match at Chelsea. I was there when Paulo di Canio masterminded our last victory at Stamford Bridge but since then it has been back to back defeats. A case of “Welcome, Hammers, how many would you like to lose by today? Would you like us to score first half goals or all in the second? That’s fine. Thank you for being so obliging.”
Last Sunday I sat in the pub before the game, staring at the screen as they showed the line-ups and, to be honest, their subs bench frightened me almost as much as the 11 we would start against. Zola obviously felt similarly. Ten minutes into the game still looked essentially like a frightened rabbit.
I felt reduced to considering what kind of defeat would leave us with some hope in our game against a free-scoring and very competent and confident Villa side? I concluded that a one-goal defeat with us scoring would be best, so my sights were set on losing 2-1 or 3-2 and claiming that as some kind of moral victory.
On that basis our result was stupendous. And, like at Anfield, it could have been more. Carlton Cole made a great opportunity for himself in injury time when Behrami put him through and he shook off his marker. He had several options of how to finish but almost inevitably chose the wrong one. Even Iain Dowie might have put that one away. Well, maybe not.
Carlton Cole featured prominently on various West Ham forums on Sunday night. The full spectrum of opinions were voiced from hero to villain, 90- minute menace to totally useless spare part. The way I look at him is that he gives away far too many free kicks, he is slow, he wins the ball in the air but can’t direct his headers, doesn’t do a lot of tracking back, his first touch is often woeful but he’s got a nice smile. It is not enough really. Nelson Mandela’s got a nice smile but you wouldn’t want him playing up front for West Ham. (Winnie Mandela maybe.)
Zola evidently feels that Carlton Cole is a project worth pursuing and has given him a spanking new five year contract. Many of us voiced similar doubts about Bobby Zamora. We let him go and now he’s doing pretty well for a team that currently sits six places above us in the table.
Maybe the style we need to adopt for away games requires the large holding front player. But when it comes to home games, and with Villa next up, I would prefer to see Cole on the bench and the far more skilful Freddie Sears taking his place.
Sears scores goals for fun in the reserves and will only need one or two premiership goals to set him off at that level. He is quick thinking and direct, though somewhat diminutive. Against Everton a few weeks back, his pairing with Bellamy looked very promising. As for Bellamy – the guy is a complete head case who looks like he hasn’t quite evolved, but he’s powerful and talented and with great determination. He fully deserved his goal at Chelsea, well set up by Nobes, and took it with a coolness and calmness that seemed to contradict his personality. You can’t tell a book by its cover. Oh, yes you can actually, Vinnie Jones.
But what really made the difference against Chelsea was the midfield. We’ve been hunting a ball winner with great distribution. On Sunday we actually had three of them in Nobes, Collison and Scotty Parker. Meanwhile Behrami (my Hammer of the Year to date just ahead of Greenie) is fast becoming the creative one, starting to thread through those killer passes to the front men and also ghosting into good scoring positions himself, in a manner reminiscent of Martin Peters..
The glaring deficiency though is any strength in depth and if one or two players get injured we are fucked. Let’s hope that some serious long-term thinking is in place for the January transfer window.
Well, I tell my teacher trainee students that in History the facts are less important than he interpretation. When the demon Thatcher got elected is less important than why the demon Thatcher got elected. Of course you need to know what has happened but the key to understanding is asking the right questions and providing a plausible interpretation.
The facts show that we were undefeated at Anfield or Stamford Bridge, that we’ve picked up 6 points form our last five games, but we have only scored two goals in those five matches. My interpretation is that digging six points out of every 5 matches from here to the end of the season, will keep us in the premiership – but only just. Our current weakness is our inability to score, or even be remotely threatening in the penalty area for large chunks of games. How hard have opposing goalies had to work in those 5 games to keep us out, compared with how hard Greenie has had to work to keep out our opponents?
Our visitors today are a good role model. Fast, direct, free scoring, entertaining and with excellent team spirit. They are truly a credit to the claret and blue. If we see Marlene and Reo-Joker today we should give them respect. They are doing the business for Villa.
Their last five league games have brought Villa three wins, two draws and nine goals. We have to have a go at them, unsettle and intimidate them from the first minute to the last. Playing for a 0-0 against a free-scoring confident team like Villa will be disastrous. We would be like the Clangers – just whistling in the wind.
In the last two years I have been invited to run some sessions on History teaching for trainee primary teachers on a course at London Metropolitan University. It is challenging and rewarding work, and it also means that I get invited to the departmental Christmas lunch. At the lunch last week in a posh French restaurant I sat chatting to a serious academic. One minute we were discussing theories of knowledge; the next we were lamenting the recent sad demise of Oliver Postgate, who dreamt up and made possible the ever-reliable and comforting, “Ivor the Engine”, the always entertaining, “Bagpuss” and the whacky but formidable “Clangers”. My academic friend expressed everyone’s feeling around the table when he said that “Ivor the Engine” was truly excellent but, he then confided in me, “I didn’t get Clangers. I just didn’t get it.”
As the Chelsea - West Ham match unfolded I had an inkling of what he meant and how he felt. Having watched West Ham for the last 42 years I still don’t understand them. The night of the debacle against Spurs I went to bed feeling frustrated and low, slipped into a deep sleep and dreamt about West Ham playing Chelsea. My brain played tricks on me and I woke up happy believing that we had scraped an unlikely draw (0-0). Then I realised it was only Tuesday. There have been times when I’ve cashed my football dreams in on correct score bets, but I’ve had a few duff ones too, and some nights I don’t dream about footie at all, so I’ve learned not to trust my dreams. And, besides, what kind of a person dreams of watching 0-0 draws? All right, apart from Alan Curbishley, George Graham or Alistair Darling, what kind of ...
After ‘orrible October our mini revival brought very welcome points against Portsmouth, Sunderland and Liverpool. But what worried me though, was how poor our forward line was in each of these games. Against the Spuds we hit rock bottom – and it was back to the drawing board. To be honest, even if we had beaten Spurs we would have still feared an away match at Chelsea. I was there when Paulo di Canio masterminded our last victory at Stamford Bridge but since then it has been back to back defeats. A case of “Welcome, Hammers, how many would you like to lose by today? Would you like us to score first half goals or all in the second? That’s fine. Thank you for being so obliging.”
Last Sunday I sat in the pub before the game, staring at the screen as they showed the line-ups and, to be honest, their subs bench frightened me almost as much as the 11 we would start against. Zola obviously felt similarly. Ten minutes into the game still looked essentially like a frightened rabbit.
I felt reduced to considering what kind of defeat would leave us with some hope in our game against a free-scoring and very competent and confident Villa side? I concluded that a one-goal defeat with us scoring would be best, so my sights were set on losing 2-1 or 3-2 and claiming that as some kind of moral victory.
On that basis our result was stupendous. And, like at Anfield, it could have been more. Carlton Cole made a great opportunity for himself in injury time when Behrami put him through and he shook off his marker. He had several options of how to finish but almost inevitably chose the wrong one. Even Iain Dowie might have put that one away. Well, maybe not.
Carlton Cole featured prominently on various West Ham forums on Sunday night. The full spectrum of opinions were voiced from hero to villain, 90- minute menace to totally useless spare part. The way I look at him is that he gives away far too many free kicks, he is slow, he wins the ball in the air but can’t direct his headers, doesn’t do a lot of tracking back, his first touch is often woeful but he’s got a nice smile. It is not enough really. Nelson Mandela’s got a nice smile but you wouldn’t want him playing up front for West Ham. (Winnie Mandela maybe.)
Zola evidently feels that Carlton Cole is a project worth pursuing and has given him a spanking new five year contract. Many of us voiced similar doubts about Bobby Zamora. We let him go and now he’s doing pretty well for a team that currently sits six places above us in the table.
Maybe the style we need to adopt for away games requires the large holding front player. But when it comes to home games, and with Villa next up, I would prefer to see Cole on the bench and the far more skilful Freddie Sears taking his place.
Sears scores goals for fun in the reserves and will only need one or two premiership goals to set him off at that level. He is quick thinking and direct, though somewhat diminutive. Against Everton a few weeks back, his pairing with Bellamy looked very promising. As for Bellamy – the guy is a complete head case who looks like he hasn’t quite evolved, but he’s powerful and talented and with great determination. He fully deserved his goal at Chelsea, well set up by Nobes, and took it with a coolness and calmness that seemed to contradict his personality. You can’t tell a book by its cover. Oh, yes you can actually, Vinnie Jones.
But what really made the difference against Chelsea was the midfield. We’ve been hunting a ball winner with great distribution. On Sunday we actually had three of them in Nobes, Collison and Scotty Parker. Meanwhile Behrami (my Hammer of the Year to date just ahead of Greenie) is fast becoming the creative one, starting to thread through those killer passes to the front men and also ghosting into good scoring positions himself, in a manner reminiscent of Martin Peters..
The glaring deficiency though is any strength in depth and if one or two players get injured we are fucked. Let’s hope that some serious long-term thinking is in place for the January transfer window.
Well, I tell my teacher trainee students that in History the facts are less important than he interpretation. When the demon Thatcher got elected is less important than why the demon Thatcher got elected. Of course you need to know what has happened but the key to understanding is asking the right questions and providing a plausible interpretation.
The facts show that we were undefeated at Anfield or Stamford Bridge, that we’ve picked up 6 points form our last five games, but we have only scored two goals in those five matches. My interpretation is that digging six points out of every 5 matches from here to the end of the season, will keep us in the premiership – but only just. Our current weakness is our inability to score, or even be remotely threatening in the penalty area for large chunks of games. How hard have opposing goalies had to work in those 5 games to keep us out, compared with how hard Greenie has had to work to keep out our opponents?
Our visitors today are a good role model. Fast, direct, free scoring, entertaining and with excellent team spirit. They are truly a credit to the claret and blue. If we see Marlene and Reo-Joker today we should give them respect. They are doing the business for Villa.
Their last five league games have brought Villa three wins, two draws and nine goals. We have to have a go at them, unsettle and intimidate them from the first minute to the last. Playing for a 0-0 against a free-scoring confident team like Villa will be disastrous. We would be like the Clangers – just whistling in the wind.
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Beyond Enfield
OLAS 448 8 December 2008
When a game ends 0-0 there is usually not much to write about. So with two of our last three games ending 0-0 that either doubles or halves how little there is to write or not write about it. I never was that good at maths. As the song goes from Porgy and Bess, we “got plenty of nothing”. Only a 0-0 at Anfield is a little bit more intriguing than any old goalless draw, and certainly more intriguing than a 0-0 at Enfield. Full credit to the team for a very organised display, crucial saves as usual from Greenie, and thanks, too, to Steven Gerrard, who unlike King Midas turned everything he touched into crap. We could have passed the ball to him all night – well, we did actually – and he blew every opportunity. Pity he was more accurate at Cardiff the other year in the 90 millionth minute.
And it might have been even better at Anfield (shit – I can’t write that now without thinking of Enfield). We had four or five good chances ourselves. The post and the side netting took two of them from us the others we wasted all by ourselves. And so the long wait for our first win at Anfield since 1963 continues for another year. I had the opportunity to preview the game for the Observer and have to eat some of my words now, along with some humble pie. “Liverpool will be too strong” I opined. Not at all. This was a pretty tepid display from the league leaders as they ran out of ideas and wasted most of their shooting opportunities. I did add, though, that “we would take the game to them in the spirit of ‘63”. And we did after a fashion, carving out some good chances while spending most of the game in our own half. We played the ball out of defence confidently, made some good interchange of passes in midfield but lacked any bite up front. Carlton Cole’s crucial contribution was clearing off the line after a Liverpool corner. At the other end he was hopeless and looked way out of his depth.
When we won in ‘63, our goal scorers were two players bound for glory – Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters - but the programme for the next game recalled the outstanding debut of a young centre half called Dave Bickles. I saw him play a couple of times. And while Hurst and Peters (and Bobby Moore) went on to lift the World cup, Bickles played around 30 times for West Ham, transferred to Crystal Palace, then hung up his boots early to become a PE teacher.
I don’t have much time for PE teachers myself, having endured several incredibly stupid and irritating examples of the genre, but I have sympathy for Bickles because he died young – in his 50s. My PE teacher at primary school – Miss Gilbert – was a complete monster, though she also suffered, and the last I heard had multiple sclerosis. At secondary school we had two PE teachers. One used to be a footballer – for Darlington, if that counts. He was just one of those Great Northern Bastards. If you took a moment to stand with your hand on your hips (instead of having your knuckles scraping the floor) he’d bellow your name followed by: “Where’s your ‘andbag, ladddie?”. He was called Noel Martin and saw himself as a bit of a wordsmith. I remember his rationalisations for people like me who, in those days, had long hair and needed to trim it. “Don’t permit your hair to grow long laddie,” he explained “it impedes your peripheral vision.”
These days my peripheral vision is just dandy.
Our other PE teacher Martin Jenkinson, was the total opposite of an intellectual. He used to pick on my Polish friend Marek who was less than enthusiastic about PE. Once he fired off that oh so reasonable question at Marek: “You lad, where are your family from?”
“Poland”, Marek Replied
“Didn’t we fight your lot in the war?” – Well, Marek just laughed. And the answer is no, Mr Jenkinson.
Still it could have been worse. My friend Mike grew up in several countries as his dad’s engineering job took him from place to place. He spent some of his childhood years in Spain under Franco’s regime. At that time every school was obliged to have at least one member of staff who was a paid up member of the Fascist Party. In Mike’s school it was the PE teacher. Life is full of surprises. Imagine if every school here had to have some gruesome, loathsome half-wit from the BNP on their staff. Apparently, after the leaking of a certain list, it seems that a few do.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned PE teachers are right down there with the scum of the earth, alongside estate agents, hedge fund speculators, OFSTED inspectors, and other useless or parasitical creatures.
Now talking of the scum of the earth I reckon old Harry will find he’s gone from Hero to Zero when he steps out there tonight with his (ho, ho) “boyhood team”. Lots of fans reckon he’s really done the dirty by taking charge at Spurs and are baying for his blood. Me – I still like him really. I can’t just turn off the memories, like a tap, of the good times we had when he was here, when he brought exciting players like Paulo Futre and Paulo di Canio; when he groomed Joe Cole and Michael Carrick for stardom, when he threw a plate of sandwiches at our hapless defenders (they probably didn’t even stop that). So, Harry, you are a mercenary bastard who has sold his soul to the devil but you are still up there among my heroes.
Spurs came unstuck against Everton last week but their general trajectory under Harry is upwards and they will be tough opposition. Our model for approaching this game ought to be the first 75 minutes we played against Everton when we were sharp and creative, playing at pace, getting to the by-line and putting chances on a plate for our strikers. And our strikers against Everton were Bellamy and Sears – no Cole. I want to see him and Tristan on the bench ready to come on to add a little height and weight to the attack if necessary in the final 20 minutes, but let’s start with our vertically challenged duo.
Midfield is a more difficult one to call now that Nobes is fit again. Behrami and Parker have been outstanding in the last three games, but Mullins has also looked really solid. Collison deserves to be in the mix too after his performance against Everton. And we could do with Mattie - motivated to perform against his old club - to give us width.
Behrami may have missed a chance against Sunderland that my friend’s half-blind, zimmer-framed granny would have scored, but he has been our star performer this year and is proving to be really versatile. I wonder if he is our captain in the making . Lucas Neill’s commitment might not stretch to signing a contract on less incredibly and unjustifiably lucrative terms. Like Harry, Lucas is another mercenary bastard, but playing rather well at the moment in a very solid and settled back four.
if we can keep our back four free from injury and resist the poachers for Robert Green in January we will continue to be hard to beat but with the league so tight we are not going to guarantee our safety by drawing 0-0 too often. I’ll take that score against the big guns, but when we are playing everyone else we need to be winning and, sometimes, even winning handsomely. That is why we need to bring in, on loan if necessary, a creative midfielder in the Benayoun/Berkovic mould and a quick witted and powerful goal scorer during January. if one of these is someone who can take corners or free kicks, that would do us no harm either.
A fully fit Keiron Dyer is going to take time to readjust to the demands of the premier league and, even then, he will always be a disaster waiting to happen. And I doubt if we’ll see Deano back until the final few weeks.
So if anyone on the official website promises their return and says “It will be like having two new players”, we’ve got to say “Bollox, it is. These two would be hard pressed to walk round Beckton Asda doing their shopping without getting injured again.” (Though maybe that should be on their training schedule – Steve Clarke take note).
If they both come back in the new year and stay free from injury until the end of the season I’ll eat some more words and humble pie. But what is absolutely clear is that we can’t wait until next season to see the best from Dyer and Ashton because they’ll be doing it against the likes of Blackpool, QPR and Sheffield Wednesday instead of against Man U, Chelsea and Liverpool.
Enjoy the game tonight – time for us to remind Harry why East London is wonderful. COYI !!!
When a game ends 0-0 there is usually not much to write about. So with two of our last three games ending 0-0 that either doubles or halves how little there is to write or not write about it. I never was that good at maths. As the song goes from Porgy and Bess, we “got plenty of nothing”. Only a 0-0 at Anfield is a little bit more intriguing than any old goalless draw, and certainly more intriguing than a 0-0 at Enfield. Full credit to the team for a very organised display, crucial saves as usual from Greenie, and thanks, too, to Steven Gerrard, who unlike King Midas turned everything he touched into crap. We could have passed the ball to him all night – well, we did actually – and he blew every opportunity. Pity he was more accurate at Cardiff the other year in the 90 millionth minute.
And it might have been even better at Anfield (shit – I can’t write that now without thinking of Enfield). We had four or five good chances ourselves. The post and the side netting took two of them from us the others we wasted all by ourselves. And so the long wait for our first win at Anfield since 1963 continues for another year. I had the opportunity to preview the game for the Observer and have to eat some of my words now, along with some humble pie. “Liverpool will be too strong” I opined. Not at all. This was a pretty tepid display from the league leaders as they ran out of ideas and wasted most of their shooting opportunities. I did add, though, that “we would take the game to them in the spirit of ‘63”. And we did after a fashion, carving out some good chances while spending most of the game in our own half. We played the ball out of defence confidently, made some good interchange of passes in midfield but lacked any bite up front. Carlton Cole’s crucial contribution was clearing off the line after a Liverpool corner. At the other end he was hopeless and looked way out of his depth.
When we won in ‘63, our goal scorers were two players bound for glory – Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters - but the programme for the next game recalled the outstanding debut of a young centre half called Dave Bickles. I saw him play a couple of times. And while Hurst and Peters (and Bobby Moore) went on to lift the World cup, Bickles played around 30 times for West Ham, transferred to Crystal Palace, then hung up his boots early to become a PE teacher.
I don’t have much time for PE teachers myself, having endured several incredibly stupid and irritating examples of the genre, but I have sympathy for Bickles because he died young – in his 50s. My PE teacher at primary school – Miss Gilbert – was a complete monster, though she also suffered, and the last I heard had multiple sclerosis. At secondary school we had two PE teachers. One used to be a footballer – for Darlington, if that counts. He was just one of those Great Northern Bastards. If you took a moment to stand with your hand on your hips (instead of having your knuckles scraping the floor) he’d bellow your name followed by: “Where’s your ‘andbag, ladddie?”. He was called Noel Martin and saw himself as a bit of a wordsmith. I remember his rationalisations for people like me who, in those days, had long hair and needed to trim it. “Don’t permit your hair to grow long laddie,” he explained “it impedes your peripheral vision.”
These days my peripheral vision is just dandy.
Our other PE teacher Martin Jenkinson, was the total opposite of an intellectual. He used to pick on my Polish friend Marek who was less than enthusiastic about PE. Once he fired off that oh so reasonable question at Marek: “You lad, where are your family from?”
“Poland”, Marek Replied
“Didn’t we fight your lot in the war?” – Well, Marek just laughed. And the answer is no, Mr Jenkinson.
Still it could have been worse. My friend Mike grew up in several countries as his dad’s engineering job took him from place to place. He spent some of his childhood years in Spain under Franco’s regime. At that time every school was obliged to have at least one member of staff who was a paid up member of the Fascist Party. In Mike’s school it was the PE teacher. Life is full of surprises. Imagine if every school here had to have some gruesome, loathsome half-wit from the BNP on their staff. Apparently, after the leaking of a certain list, it seems that a few do.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned PE teachers are right down there with the scum of the earth, alongside estate agents, hedge fund speculators, OFSTED inspectors, and other useless or parasitical creatures.
Now talking of the scum of the earth I reckon old Harry will find he’s gone from Hero to Zero when he steps out there tonight with his (ho, ho) “boyhood team”. Lots of fans reckon he’s really done the dirty by taking charge at Spurs and are baying for his blood. Me – I still like him really. I can’t just turn off the memories, like a tap, of the good times we had when he was here, when he brought exciting players like Paulo Futre and Paulo di Canio; when he groomed Joe Cole and Michael Carrick for stardom, when he threw a plate of sandwiches at our hapless defenders (they probably didn’t even stop that). So, Harry, you are a mercenary bastard who has sold his soul to the devil but you are still up there among my heroes.
Spurs came unstuck against Everton last week but their general trajectory under Harry is upwards and they will be tough opposition. Our model for approaching this game ought to be the first 75 minutes we played against Everton when we were sharp and creative, playing at pace, getting to the by-line and putting chances on a plate for our strikers. And our strikers against Everton were Bellamy and Sears – no Cole. I want to see him and Tristan on the bench ready to come on to add a little height and weight to the attack if necessary in the final 20 minutes, but let’s start with our vertically challenged duo.
Midfield is a more difficult one to call now that Nobes is fit again. Behrami and Parker have been outstanding in the last three games, but Mullins has also looked really solid. Collison deserves to be in the mix too after his performance against Everton. And we could do with Mattie - motivated to perform against his old club - to give us width.
Behrami may have missed a chance against Sunderland that my friend’s half-blind, zimmer-framed granny would have scored, but he has been our star performer this year and is proving to be really versatile. I wonder if he is our captain in the making . Lucas Neill’s commitment might not stretch to signing a contract on less incredibly and unjustifiably lucrative terms. Like Harry, Lucas is another mercenary bastard, but playing rather well at the moment in a very solid and settled back four.
if we can keep our back four free from injury and resist the poachers for Robert Green in January we will continue to be hard to beat but with the league so tight we are not going to guarantee our safety by drawing 0-0 too often. I’ll take that score against the big guns, but when we are playing everyone else we need to be winning and, sometimes, even winning handsomely. That is why we need to bring in, on loan if necessary, a creative midfielder in the Benayoun/Berkovic mould and a quick witted and powerful goal scorer during January. if one of these is someone who can take corners or free kicks, that would do us no harm either.
A fully fit Keiron Dyer is going to take time to readjust to the demands of the premier league and, even then, he will always be a disaster waiting to happen. And I doubt if we’ll see Deano back until the final few weeks.
So if anyone on the official website promises their return and says “It will be like having two new players”, we’ve got to say “Bollox, it is. These two would be hard pressed to walk round Beckton Asda doing their shopping without getting injured again.” (Though maybe that should be on their training schedule – Steve Clarke take note).
If they both come back in the new year and stay free from injury until the end of the season I’ll eat some more words and humble pie. But what is absolutely clear is that we can’t wait until next season to see the best from Dyer and Ashton because they’ll be doing it against the likes of Blackpool, QPR and Sheffield Wednesday instead of against Man U, Chelsea and Liverpool.
Enjoy the game tonight – time for us to remind Harry why East London is wonderful. COYI !!!
Saturday, 15 November 2008
Police and Theives
OLAS 447 15th November 2008
Normally after a game I walk the length of Green Street then turn into Romford Road to pick up a bus and start my journey home. But after the Everton game I felt like popping into that Police Fortress on the corner to report a robbery.
“So what exactly was stolen, son?”
“Three points – and they just took them. They belonged to West Ham, but they just came in and nicked them.”
“How do you spell that?”
“W-E-S-T –H-A-M”
“Now, who took them, sonny?”
“There was eleven of them - all wearing blue –almost like a uniform. They had been hanging around looking a bit shifty, but not doing much for about 70-80 minutes then they just stole them.”
“Are you sure there were 11 of them? And were they all wearing blue? Because if we’re going to catch them, we need to know who they are and if there was anyone else involved.”
“Well there was three of them sitting on a bench. I think they were involved too, and one guy in a claret and blue shirt – a French geezer – I reckon he was in on it. He seemed to be helping them. I didn’t catch his name – but they were calling him ‘Slow Bear’ or something like that. I know I would recognise him again. And I’m sure you’ll catch him, as he’s really slow.”
“Now, did anyone witness the incident?”
“Well I was there with my mate, his daughter and her friend, oh yeah, and there were about 33,000 other people. I reckon a lot of them saw it.”
“All right sonny – we’ll get on to it. We’re run off our feet at the moment trying to catch some unusual bank robbers in suits – it seems that the guys running the banks are stealing from ordinary people and the government, but I’ll send some uniform round to start working on this case. Evening all.”
Well, if the boys in blue do catch the thieves in blue, I reckon Slowbear/Faubert ought to get sent down for his part. It was criminal. His indecisiveness, and the careless way he kept giving the ball away, was responsible for the build up to two of the goals. For me, personally, Slow Bear’s lack of progress has been particularly disappointing because when he first came back from his long injury lay off he gave indications that he might one day be an awesome player for us. When we bought him I looked at a video on YouTube, which shows him as this pacy right midfielder who storms down the wing delivering crosses that are a nightmare to defend, or cutting inside and thumping goals in from 25 yards. I now honestly believe that he has a twin brother, Gillaume, who can do all these things and the one we’ve got is about as effective as a tub of lard.
Everyone would have been gutted by the outcome because with 10 minutes to go we were heading for a well-deserved victory and that first 80 minutes had so many positives. Our passing and movement was quick accurate, direct and clever. And when we needed to defend, players tracked back well. Scott Parker played a blinder in midfield, winning the ball with determination and setting up attack after attack. And for all our reticence lately in the final third, we repeatedly got to the by-line down the left hand side, with only the woodwork keeping the scores level at half time. In that first 45 minutes, no doubt under a blue moon, even LBM played well.
I was worried that by half-time we had made a hatful of chances but hadn’t converted any and Everton’s defence might not be so inviting in the second half. Though it was a bit more even after the break, we were still in the ascendancy and thoroughly deserved to take the lead.
The academy products did especially well. Freddie Sears has grown in confidence massively. He was energetic and quick thinking and linked up very well with Bellamy. With Cole returning from suspension on Saturday, I hope Zola keeps Bellamy and Sears together but has Cole in reserve to add to the mix if necessary in the final 20 minutes.
As for Collison – he was sublime. He came on the field by accident after Upson got crocked and played magnificently. His first touch is always good, he is strong in the tackle, accurate with short and long passes and plays with vision and flair. His goal was an absolute peach. Following an end-to-end move and a delicate back-heel by Parker, Collison calmly curled it into the net a la Trevor Brooking. It deserved to be the winning goal. And many of us there thought it would be. So what went wrong?
These days a football match involves 14 players and tactical substitutions at the right time are making a difference. Nothing wrong with sending Mattie on for LBM on 57 minutes – he looked sharper and more determined than on his last outing - but having taken the lead on 63minutes and players’ energy levels visibly flagging, a holding midfielder was needed for the last 15. Mullins is not my favourite player but he would undoubtedly have done better than Bowyer. By the time Di Michele came on, the game was already lost.
Until Zola and Clarke can raise the fitness levels of the team they’ve got to be planning to use subs for that final 20 minutes. The other problem was out of Zola’s hands. The unforced sale of McCartney and Ferdinand before Curbs was shown the door has left Zola with barely any experienced options in defence. I don’t know if Tompkins is fit, but if Upson hasn’t recovered by Saturday. I would rather see Tompkins joining Collins in central defence and Neill taking the right back berth, than risk Faubert fucking up again. In midfield I’ve no doubt that Collison deserves a full game at Donkey Bowyer’s expense.
The rest of the results this weekend have confirmed that outside the top four this season it is going to be very tight, with a short run of winning games making the difference between challenging for Europe or scrapping against the drop. Just 9 points are separating Villa in 5th and West Brom at the bottom.
The positive, exciting and confident style of football that Zola has us playing now ought to be rewarded and see us picking up points again soon, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see us thumping someone 3 or 4-0 in the games to come. But January will make the difference. If the other teams around us seriously strengthen their squads and we don’t, then we are going to struggle to maintain our promise in that crucial final third of the season.
If our owners take the gamble on seeing though the season with our current squad, then, as injuries inevitably pile up and we don’t have adequate cover, we are fucked and instead of paying Sheffield United we are going to be playing Sheffield United. We can’t wait until the end of January to think about this. The plans for whom we sell and aim to buy have to put in place now.
Well, I’ve not heard any more from the police about the robbery I reported. They have been as useless as the last time I reported a robbery at that police station back in the early ‘80s. At that time I was living off the Romford Road in a “house” of ex-students that very closely resembled the abode in “The Young Ones”. We got it on a short-let from a housing association, paying £25 a week between us(!). The original 6 months offer turned out to be three years and it just got messier and messier. One day we noticed that certain communal things seemed to missing– a radio cassette recorder, some tins of food etc. We just assumed that they had moved around the house the way they do when you are all ex-students. But when they came back a second time for more we realised we had been burgled.
We walked round to Plod to report it. The next day they sent a couple of cops round (one to read and one to write?). Anyway, one was tall, thin and gormless looking, the other shaped like a water melon. PC Water Melon plonked his ample frame down in an armchair in our “living” room. “We get a lot of these kind of crimes round here,” he assured us. “it’s what we call a dark area,” he said as he went into a racist diatribe dressed up as an explanation. Behind him on the wall was a poster depicting a black youth held in an arm-lock by a policeman with the words “Stop Police Harassment!” it was a peach of a moment that cried out to be videoed. But the video had been nicked…no actually we never had one.
Now, as it happened, Plod were ultra-efficient and they caught the offenders some time later. Turned out to be a couple of white vagrants as dark as the sunshine on a summer’s day. So you never know, they might catch last week’s offenders after all. Can’t imagine Slow Bear Faubert staying “on the run” too long.
Anyway, with the right team selection and with subs used before our key players are all washed out – I’m expecting us to get back to winning ways today. Enjoy the game COYI!!!
Normally after a game I walk the length of Green Street then turn into Romford Road to pick up a bus and start my journey home. But after the Everton game I felt like popping into that Police Fortress on the corner to report a robbery.
“So what exactly was stolen, son?”
“Three points – and they just took them. They belonged to West Ham, but they just came in and nicked them.”
“How do you spell that?”
“W-E-S-T –H-A-M”
“Now, who took them, sonny?”
“There was eleven of them - all wearing blue –almost like a uniform. They had been hanging around looking a bit shifty, but not doing much for about 70-80 minutes then they just stole them.”
“Are you sure there were 11 of them? And were they all wearing blue? Because if we’re going to catch them, we need to know who they are and if there was anyone else involved.”
“Well there was three of them sitting on a bench. I think they were involved too, and one guy in a claret and blue shirt – a French geezer – I reckon he was in on it. He seemed to be helping them. I didn’t catch his name – but they were calling him ‘Slow Bear’ or something like that. I know I would recognise him again. And I’m sure you’ll catch him, as he’s really slow.”
“Now, did anyone witness the incident?”
“Well I was there with my mate, his daughter and her friend, oh yeah, and there were about 33,000 other people. I reckon a lot of them saw it.”
“All right sonny – we’ll get on to it. We’re run off our feet at the moment trying to catch some unusual bank robbers in suits – it seems that the guys running the banks are stealing from ordinary people and the government, but I’ll send some uniform round to start working on this case. Evening all.”
Well, if the boys in blue do catch the thieves in blue, I reckon Slowbear/Faubert ought to get sent down for his part. It was criminal. His indecisiveness, and the careless way he kept giving the ball away, was responsible for the build up to two of the goals. For me, personally, Slow Bear’s lack of progress has been particularly disappointing because when he first came back from his long injury lay off he gave indications that he might one day be an awesome player for us. When we bought him I looked at a video on YouTube, which shows him as this pacy right midfielder who storms down the wing delivering crosses that are a nightmare to defend, or cutting inside and thumping goals in from 25 yards. I now honestly believe that he has a twin brother, Gillaume, who can do all these things and the one we’ve got is about as effective as a tub of lard.
Everyone would have been gutted by the outcome because with 10 minutes to go we were heading for a well-deserved victory and that first 80 minutes had so many positives. Our passing and movement was quick accurate, direct and clever. And when we needed to defend, players tracked back well. Scott Parker played a blinder in midfield, winning the ball with determination and setting up attack after attack. And for all our reticence lately in the final third, we repeatedly got to the by-line down the left hand side, with only the woodwork keeping the scores level at half time. In that first 45 minutes, no doubt under a blue moon, even LBM played well.
I was worried that by half-time we had made a hatful of chances but hadn’t converted any and Everton’s defence might not be so inviting in the second half. Though it was a bit more even after the break, we were still in the ascendancy and thoroughly deserved to take the lead.
The academy products did especially well. Freddie Sears has grown in confidence massively. He was energetic and quick thinking and linked up very well with Bellamy. With Cole returning from suspension on Saturday, I hope Zola keeps Bellamy and Sears together but has Cole in reserve to add to the mix if necessary in the final 20 minutes.
As for Collison – he was sublime. He came on the field by accident after Upson got crocked and played magnificently. His first touch is always good, he is strong in the tackle, accurate with short and long passes and plays with vision and flair. His goal was an absolute peach. Following an end-to-end move and a delicate back-heel by Parker, Collison calmly curled it into the net a la Trevor Brooking. It deserved to be the winning goal. And many of us there thought it would be. So what went wrong?
These days a football match involves 14 players and tactical substitutions at the right time are making a difference. Nothing wrong with sending Mattie on for LBM on 57 minutes – he looked sharper and more determined than on his last outing - but having taken the lead on 63minutes and players’ energy levels visibly flagging, a holding midfielder was needed for the last 15. Mullins is not my favourite player but he would undoubtedly have done better than Bowyer. By the time Di Michele came on, the game was already lost.
Until Zola and Clarke can raise the fitness levels of the team they’ve got to be planning to use subs for that final 20 minutes. The other problem was out of Zola’s hands. The unforced sale of McCartney and Ferdinand before Curbs was shown the door has left Zola with barely any experienced options in defence. I don’t know if Tompkins is fit, but if Upson hasn’t recovered by Saturday. I would rather see Tompkins joining Collins in central defence and Neill taking the right back berth, than risk Faubert fucking up again. In midfield I’ve no doubt that Collison deserves a full game at Donkey Bowyer’s expense.
The rest of the results this weekend have confirmed that outside the top four this season it is going to be very tight, with a short run of winning games making the difference between challenging for Europe or scrapping against the drop. Just 9 points are separating Villa in 5th and West Brom at the bottom.
The positive, exciting and confident style of football that Zola has us playing now ought to be rewarded and see us picking up points again soon, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see us thumping someone 3 or 4-0 in the games to come. But January will make the difference. If the other teams around us seriously strengthen their squads and we don’t, then we are going to struggle to maintain our promise in that crucial final third of the season.
If our owners take the gamble on seeing though the season with our current squad, then, as injuries inevitably pile up and we don’t have adequate cover, we are fucked and instead of paying Sheffield United we are going to be playing Sheffield United. We can’t wait until the end of January to think about this. The plans for whom we sell and aim to buy have to put in place now.
Well, I’ve not heard any more from the police about the robbery I reported. They have been as useless as the last time I reported a robbery at that police station back in the early ‘80s. At that time I was living off the Romford Road in a “house” of ex-students that very closely resembled the abode in “The Young Ones”. We got it on a short-let from a housing association, paying £25 a week between us(!). The original 6 months offer turned out to be three years and it just got messier and messier. One day we noticed that certain communal things seemed to missing– a radio cassette recorder, some tins of food etc. We just assumed that they had moved around the house the way they do when you are all ex-students. But when they came back a second time for more we realised we had been burgled.
We walked round to Plod to report it. The next day they sent a couple of cops round (one to read and one to write?). Anyway, one was tall, thin and gormless looking, the other shaped like a water melon. PC Water Melon plonked his ample frame down in an armchair in our “living” room. “We get a lot of these kind of crimes round here,” he assured us. “it’s what we call a dark area,” he said as he went into a racist diatribe dressed up as an explanation. Behind him on the wall was a poster depicting a black youth held in an arm-lock by a policeman with the words “Stop Police Harassment!” it was a peach of a moment that cried out to be videoed. But the video had been nicked…no actually we never had one.
Now, as it happened, Plod were ultra-efficient and they caught the offenders some time later. Turned out to be a couple of white vagrants as dark as the sunshine on a summer’s day. So you never know, they might catch last week’s offenders after all. Can’t imagine Slow Bear Faubert staying “on the run” too long.
Anyway, with the right team selection and with subs used before our key players are all washed out – I’m expecting us to get back to winning ways today. Enjoy the game COYI!!!
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Baracking on the terraces
OLAS 446 8 November 2008
By now we will know if one long-distance West Ham fan will be holding down the most powerful job in the world. While his enemies have tried to pin the labels “terrorist”, “muslim”, and “fanatic” on him, the evidence shows that his only true fanaticism is the one that we all share here at OLAS. A few months ago Barack Obama was outed as a West Ham fan. And it didn’t affect his poll ratings at all. Apparently his family members in Kent are Hammers-crazy and when he visited them five or six years ago they won him over and he follows our fortunes excitedly.
If he is indeed the president by now, I would recommend that as one of his first actions of foreign policy he considers sending over an elite force to zap Sheffield United’s bosses. The British government doesn’t normally object to American interventions here (or anywhere else) – what with extraordinary rendition and all that – so I’m sure Gordon Brown will turn a blind eye. (I’m told he’s got one specially for that purpose).
This particular zapping action would achieve two objectives – it would give those annoying tossrags in Sheffield exactly what they so richly deserve and it would finally, after many decades, give me an American military intervention that I could support and wouldn’t feel obliged to take to the streets to protest against. Okay, I would have preferred it if Mandela, Castro or Chavez had declared their admiration for West Ham first, but Obama will do for now.
Just before we forget George Bush, let me tell you about an incident that happened recently, when a couple of his advisers found him chuckling away in the oval office, looking very pleased with himself.
“Yo George," they said, “what’s cooking?”
He replied, “I’ve finished my jigsaw in just two weeks”
“OK” one of his advisers said, “but Mr President we’ve got trouble in I-raq, we’ve got finance problems at home, how can you get so thrilled about doing a jigsaw puzzle in two weeks?”
“Look at the box boys,” replied Bush triumphantly. “Just here, it says 3-5 years!”
If Obama’s presidential slogan was “Change We Need”, then “Change We Got” is certainly our situation at Upton Park. The honeymoon period was short and after four defeats on the spin Zola took the team to Middlesborough facing his toughest managerial challenge. I admire his positivity. I like the way he talks about and to the players and his response to the fans. But November will be the defining month. That‘s when we come face to face with the kind of teams we could either be competing for 6th place with or scrapping to avoid relegation amongst.
Outside of the top four, its anybody’s league, with only Aston Villa showing the consistent form that should guarantee a high finish. But it could also be anybody’s fate – big clubs and small – to be involved in the relegation dogfight, including ours. It is especially tricky this year as there is no equivalent of Derby County. Stoke, who have looked relatively weak pulled off a great result against Arsenal, and the Spuds, who have been propping up the table much to our joy and mirth, have started to pick up several points with Harry the Geezer at the helm.
I guess we know now why Harry ruled himself out of a return to Upton Park. Why go to a club on the verge of bankruptcy when there’s another one down the road with money to burn? Harry is getting busy reinventing a mythical attachment to Spurs as a youngster. It’s bollox of course. He grew up near West Ham in an Arsenal supporting family. But let’s not allow facts to get in the way! And besides I still love the guy.
We should be looking for a minimum of 8 points from the four games in November if we are going to stake our claim to being part of the battle within the top half of the table. A point away at Middlesborough was a useful start, though we know it could have and should have been three.
I am impressed by Zola’s commitment to playing attacking football even when the results have gone against us – the total opposite of what Turdishley would have done. (I hear that Turdishley wants to sue for constructive dismissal – he probably has a case but they might counter-sue him for being a boring cnut, which is just a solid a case).
Whenever possible Zola has tried to play 4-3-3. I can’t help recalling how back in the swinging ‘60s when I first came here, we went one step further, playing 4-2-4, with Ronnie Boyce and Martin Peters in the midfield, and up front two wingers – Peter Brabrook and Johnny Sissons and two forwards – Johnny Byrne and Geoffrey Hurst. We swept forward quickly with such movement and style…
it’s OK I’ve woken up again and realised we’re in 2008. Of course, nobody would risk playing just two players in midfield these days, but three in midfield is possible, especially if they are quality players. We definitely have three quality midfielders in Behrami, Parker and Noble, and, with a big performance at Boro, Jack Collison showed he is quite a prospect too.
I had thought that Faubert was quality too but he is much too erratic.
Our major problem is that now we have Behrami and Noble out for a month we have a mixture of clowns like Bowyer and Boa Morte, and donkeys like Mullins as our replacements. Which is why, despite a very determined and disciplined performance against Arsenal, in which Robert Green was outstanding, we couldn’t hang on and eventually got overrun. (And by the way I think that Wenger’s fulsome praise for Greenie’s performance was a bit of fishing).
The Arse didn’t deserve to win by two goals, but apart from Di Michele’s sizzler that was turned over and Bellamy’s break where Flymetothemunia was fortunate to save with his leg, we didn’t threaten at all. If our midfield played tight with quick short passes, our forwards were too far apart and could rarely reach each other with the final ball.
Having given our all against Arsenal, the odds on a similar performance three days later, in front of 75,000 at the Mancs, were too long and we were completely outplayed. Still, by all accounts our second half performance sufficed to keep the score down and avoid total embarrassment.
I’ve been reluctant to criticize Zola because I think his approach is the right one – and he’s only little – but against Arsenal his substitutions were too late and they played in the wrong position. I can’t see any point at all in putting Etherington on the right wing.
But what must be giving Zola nightmares now is the recognition of how thin on quality our squad is. Given that our financial crisis rules out much happening in January (apart from me celebrating my birthday), then the way forward depends on Zola finding ways to develop and bring in the youngsters (which he did at Middlesborough), and on Steve Clarke tightening up the defence and giving the whole team the steely determination that he helped to drill into the players at Chelski.
And maybe that’s what we saw for most of the game at Middlesborough. The big improvement there was penetration up front, with Bellamy and Sears combining well enough to be a constant threat. This also meant that we didn’t need to bring on Tristan – who is still fighting for his fitness. In contrast to the handful of goal attempts over two games against the Arse and Manure, we had 15 goal attempts at Boro with 8 of them on target.
Everton will be a difficult game. Their season started badly and Moyes looked a worried man but with back-to-back wins without conceding over Bolton and Fulham preceded by a draw with the Mancs, they will arrive with their confidence restored. Hopefully we’ll have Scotty Parker back from injury and Tristan will have had another week to get match fit – both of which will increase our options.
The “Change We Need” today is a win and a clean sheet. I had an idea before the season started of changing and cleaning my sheets at home every time West Ham keep a clean sheet. I hoped that the power of telepathy would prove mutually beneficial and ensure regular clean sheets at our home, Upton Park, and my home, Tufnell Park. Another American who fought for change, Martin Luther King jr, said there is nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come. So far this one has not proven to be my best idea. Enjoy the game. COYI!!!
By now we will know if one long-distance West Ham fan will be holding down the most powerful job in the world. While his enemies have tried to pin the labels “terrorist”, “muslim”, and “fanatic” on him, the evidence shows that his only true fanaticism is the one that we all share here at OLAS. A few months ago Barack Obama was outed as a West Ham fan. And it didn’t affect his poll ratings at all. Apparently his family members in Kent are Hammers-crazy and when he visited them five or six years ago they won him over and he follows our fortunes excitedly.
If he is indeed the president by now, I would recommend that as one of his first actions of foreign policy he considers sending over an elite force to zap Sheffield United’s bosses. The British government doesn’t normally object to American interventions here (or anywhere else) – what with extraordinary rendition and all that – so I’m sure Gordon Brown will turn a blind eye. (I’m told he’s got one specially for that purpose).
This particular zapping action would achieve two objectives – it would give those annoying tossrags in Sheffield exactly what they so richly deserve and it would finally, after many decades, give me an American military intervention that I could support and wouldn’t feel obliged to take to the streets to protest against. Okay, I would have preferred it if Mandela, Castro or Chavez had declared their admiration for West Ham first, but Obama will do for now.
Just before we forget George Bush, let me tell you about an incident that happened recently, when a couple of his advisers found him chuckling away in the oval office, looking very pleased with himself.
“Yo George," they said, “what’s cooking?”
He replied, “I’ve finished my jigsaw in just two weeks”
“OK” one of his advisers said, “but Mr President we’ve got trouble in I-raq, we’ve got finance problems at home, how can you get so thrilled about doing a jigsaw puzzle in two weeks?”
“Look at the box boys,” replied Bush triumphantly. “Just here, it says 3-5 years!”
If Obama’s presidential slogan was “Change We Need”, then “Change We Got” is certainly our situation at Upton Park. The honeymoon period was short and after four defeats on the spin Zola took the team to Middlesborough facing his toughest managerial challenge. I admire his positivity. I like the way he talks about and to the players and his response to the fans. But November will be the defining month. That‘s when we come face to face with the kind of teams we could either be competing for 6th place with or scrapping to avoid relegation amongst.
Outside of the top four, its anybody’s league, with only Aston Villa showing the consistent form that should guarantee a high finish. But it could also be anybody’s fate – big clubs and small – to be involved in the relegation dogfight, including ours. It is especially tricky this year as there is no equivalent of Derby County. Stoke, who have looked relatively weak pulled off a great result against Arsenal, and the Spuds, who have been propping up the table much to our joy and mirth, have started to pick up several points with Harry the Geezer at the helm.
I guess we know now why Harry ruled himself out of a return to Upton Park. Why go to a club on the verge of bankruptcy when there’s another one down the road with money to burn? Harry is getting busy reinventing a mythical attachment to Spurs as a youngster. It’s bollox of course. He grew up near West Ham in an Arsenal supporting family. But let’s not allow facts to get in the way! And besides I still love the guy.
We should be looking for a minimum of 8 points from the four games in November if we are going to stake our claim to being part of the battle within the top half of the table. A point away at Middlesborough was a useful start, though we know it could have and should have been three.
I am impressed by Zola’s commitment to playing attacking football even when the results have gone against us – the total opposite of what Turdishley would have done. (I hear that Turdishley wants to sue for constructive dismissal – he probably has a case but they might counter-sue him for being a boring cnut, which is just a solid a case).
Whenever possible Zola has tried to play 4-3-3. I can’t help recalling how back in the swinging ‘60s when I first came here, we went one step further, playing 4-2-4, with Ronnie Boyce and Martin Peters in the midfield, and up front two wingers – Peter Brabrook and Johnny Sissons and two forwards – Johnny Byrne and Geoffrey Hurst. We swept forward quickly with such movement and style…
it’s OK I’ve woken up again and realised we’re in 2008. Of course, nobody would risk playing just two players in midfield these days, but three in midfield is possible, especially if they are quality players. We definitely have three quality midfielders in Behrami, Parker and Noble, and, with a big performance at Boro, Jack Collison showed he is quite a prospect too.
I had thought that Faubert was quality too but he is much too erratic.
Our major problem is that now we have Behrami and Noble out for a month we have a mixture of clowns like Bowyer and Boa Morte, and donkeys like Mullins as our replacements. Which is why, despite a very determined and disciplined performance against Arsenal, in which Robert Green was outstanding, we couldn’t hang on and eventually got overrun. (And by the way I think that Wenger’s fulsome praise for Greenie’s performance was a bit of fishing).
The Arse didn’t deserve to win by two goals, but apart from Di Michele’s sizzler that was turned over and Bellamy’s break where Flymetothemunia was fortunate to save with his leg, we didn’t threaten at all. If our midfield played tight with quick short passes, our forwards were too far apart and could rarely reach each other with the final ball.
Having given our all against Arsenal, the odds on a similar performance three days later, in front of 75,000 at the Mancs, were too long and we were completely outplayed. Still, by all accounts our second half performance sufficed to keep the score down and avoid total embarrassment.
I’ve been reluctant to criticize Zola because I think his approach is the right one – and he’s only little – but against Arsenal his substitutions were too late and they played in the wrong position. I can’t see any point at all in putting Etherington on the right wing.
But what must be giving Zola nightmares now is the recognition of how thin on quality our squad is. Given that our financial crisis rules out much happening in January (apart from me celebrating my birthday), then the way forward depends on Zola finding ways to develop and bring in the youngsters (which he did at Middlesborough), and on Steve Clarke tightening up the defence and giving the whole team the steely determination that he helped to drill into the players at Chelski.
And maybe that’s what we saw for most of the game at Middlesborough. The big improvement there was penetration up front, with Bellamy and Sears combining well enough to be a constant threat. This also meant that we didn’t need to bring on Tristan – who is still fighting for his fitness. In contrast to the handful of goal attempts over two games against the Arse and Manure, we had 15 goal attempts at Boro with 8 of them on target.
Everton will be a difficult game. Their season started badly and Moyes looked a worried man but with back-to-back wins without conceding over Bolton and Fulham preceded by a draw with the Mancs, they will arrive with their confidence restored. Hopefully we’ll have Scotty Parker back from injury and Tristan will have had another week to get match fit – both of which will increase our options.
The “Change We Need” today is a win and a clean sheet. I had an idea before the season started of changing and cleaning my sheets at home every time West Ham keep a clean sheet. I hoped that the power of telepathy would prove mutually beneficial and ensure regular clean sheets at our home, Upton Park, and my home, Tufnell Park. Another American who fought for change, Martin Luther King jr, said there is nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come. So far this one has not proven to be my best idea. Enjoy the game. COYI!!!
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