Carlton Pathetic

OLAS 550 December 28th 2008

“They fly so high, nearly reach the sky” – why the fuck can’t he head the ball downwards into an empty goal like every other centre forward?

I’ve tried to be understanding of Carlton Cole over the last couple of years but I’ve lost patience completely because his mistakes are costing us so dearly now. Against Liverpool late in the second half he had a simple ball to play across for Bellamy to tap in. Versus Chelsea he had a simple chance in the 2nd minute of injury time. There was no way Chelsea would have come back from that. Against Villa, apart from the header he ballooned over when it was easier to score, he wasted all of Bellamy’s great work when he got round the defence and pulled the ball back to the 6-yard line. Instead of nine points from those three games we have two. Instead of being comfortably in the top half we are hovering just above the drop zone with our feet almost touching it.

In the top half of the table, holding our own against the top clubs, playing good football on the ground, with a forward looking manager and coach combination, and some top youth players coming through, we would be the kind of team that players would want to join. Hovering above the drop zone, we will be shunned or ignored.

There‘s an old song from the depression years of the ‘20s and ‘30s that are looming again ominously: “No, nobody wants you, when you’re down and out. In your pocket not one penny, and your friends no, no, you ain’t got any…”

And that is how we will be going into the crucial January transfer window thanks principally to Carlton Cole. It’s not that I think he is incapable of improving – of course he can. But right now he needs to be out of the starting eleven. Zola needs to say to him - work every day to improve your game and try to win your place back by February. Ciao. In the meantime we’ll let Freddie Sears and Tristan have a proper go. They can’t do worse. And they may make Bellamy, who is currently playing magnificently, feel less frustrated and less likely to fuck off to Man City. Mind you if Bellend thinks he’ll be teaming up with Mark Hughes again by going there, I wouldn’t bank on it. It looks to me like Hughes’ days are numbered.

If anyone thinks players have a cap on their talent and can’t improve their game beyond a certain point, they should go and watch Fulham who have gained more points at Craven Cottage than we have at home or on the road combined. And listen for the names – Paintsil, Konchesky, Bullard and Zamora – any of them sound familiar? Every one on them has greatly improved on their contribution at Upton Park.

And if Carlton Cole feels lonely while his working to improve and he needs company let’s give him Lee Bowyer – another player who should not be on the pitch at the moment. Although I suppose I’d rather he fecked off altogether.

I know if I’m truly honest with myself, it’s not just to do with football. I don’t like or respect Bowyer as a person, don’t appreciate the things he has done in the past off the field, and don’t feel there was ever any meaningful contrition for his anti-social behaviour. But for today I’ll keep it purely on an objective footballing level. He is shit. He is a waste of space. He can’t sustain a challenge without pretending he is hurt, doesn’t track back , often passes poorly and gets caught out of position. And that’s just his good qualities…

I’ve been 100% behind Zola and Clarke but I do believe that if they persist in playing Cole ad Bowyer they will become complicit in keeping West ham near to the drop zone and far from the gaze of players who may want to make their mark in the Premier League.

We may think of West Ham as a shambolic set up riddled with debts, where no-one running the club can be believed in any utterance they make, due to make a substantial contribution soon to Sheffield United Cheats and Thieves Benevolent Fund, and gradually denuding itself of its best players for very short term financial relief. But there is another and more positive way of looking at the Club.

In Green, Upson, Collison, Behrami, Parker, Noble and Bellamy we have players that many other teams would be jealous of, and they could constitute the core of a very considerable team that blends experience with youth. We have immensely loyal supporters and a youth academy that still brings great young players into premier league football. If somebody who was serious about football took over, now that we are for sale, then an investment in four quality players would give us a team that could slug it out for a European place rather than perspiring to avoid the drop.

The likelihood of getting a footballing person rather than a shyster capitalist is pretty low but I haven’t given up hoping for that yet. Whatever happened to Tony Cottee and his mates? I just hope that whoever comes in will persist with Zola and Clarke even if it takes another two months to gain some distance from the drop zone because if they are allowed to carry on their revolution and are supported well they will ultimately bring both excitement and success to Upton Park.

A lot of what is good and positive about the Zola/Clarke combination was in evidence eon Saturday against Villa. We certainly had the better of the game and looked especially dangerous when we played passes over or around their defence for Bellamy to run onto. The work rate of all the players and running off the ball was tremendous, the defence looked tight and disciplined and the chances Villa did have were usually down to the odd mistake by our players. We tested their goalie on several occasions, and thoroughly deserved at least one, if not three points from the game. But we were carrying our 11th player – Cole – and could only replace Parker and Collison with fresh legs on the bodies of less skilled, combative and creative players (Mullins and Bowyer). That is ultimately why we failed. The teams that are succeeding in pulling results out when they seem unlikely are those who can introduce quality and contrast from the bench. We struggle to do this with our current squad.

And so to Stoke, who have acquitted themselves fairly well as a newly promoted team, pulling off some good results. I’ve no complaints about them beating the Arse 2-0. This is a must-win and it would be nice to do it with some style. Though Hammers with a sense of history will remember the perils of going 3-0 up against Stoke. They once did us 4-3 from that situation. I wasn’t there that day but I was the year after when we again stormed into three-goal lead, but they pulled three back in the second half then hit the bar with the last kick of the game by Harry Burrows (sounds more like a private eye than a footballer). So if you follow this historical/hysterical warning, the most important thing is to get the fourth goal! Any volunteers? Actually any volunteers to get the first goal would be welcome.

Sorry if this post has been uncharacteristically serious – it just reflects my frustrations about the current situation and I know I’m not alone. But I’ll finish with a joke:

Two snails mug a tortoise. Afterwards, the cops ask him if he could describe his attackers. “Not really,” says the Tortoise, “it all happened so fast...” (Couldn’t have been Bowyer or Cole then.)