Police and Theives

OLAS 447 15th November 2008

Normally after a game I walk the length of Green Street then turn into Romford Road to pick up a bus and start my journey home. But after the Everton game I felt like popping into that Police Fortress on the corner to report a robbery.

“So what exactly was stolen, son?”
“Three points – and they just took them. They belonged to West Ham, but they just came in and nicked them.”
“How do you spell that?”
“W-E-S-T –H-A-M”
“Now, who took them, sonny?”
“There was eleven of them - all wearing blue –almost like a uniform. They had been hanging around looking a bit shifty, but not doing much for about 70-80 minutes then they just stole them.”
“Are you sure there were 11 of them? And were they all wearing blue? Because if we’re going to catch them, we need to know who they are and if there was anyone else involved.”
“Well there was three of them sitting on a bench. I think they were involved too, and one guy in a claret and blue shirt – a French geezer – I reckon he was in on it. He seemed to be helping them. I didn’t catch his name – but they were calling him ‘Slow Bear’ or something like that. I know I would recognise him again. And I’m sure you’ll catch him, as he’s really slow.”
“Now, did anyone witness the incident?”
“Well I was there with my mate, his daughter and her friend, oh yeah, and there were about 33,000 other people. I reckon a lot of them saw it.”
“All right sonny – we’ll get on to it. We’re run off our feet at the moment trying to catch some unusual bank robbers in suits – it seems that the guys running the banks are stealing from ordinary people and the government, but I’ll send some uniform round to start working on this case. Evening all.”

Well, if the boys in blue do catch the thieves in blue, I reckon Slowbear/Faubert ought to get sent down for his part. It was criminal. His indecisiveness, and the careless way he kept giving the ball away, was responsible for the build up to two of the goals. For me, personally, Slow Bear’s lack of progress has been particularly disappointing because when he first came back from his long injury lay off he gave indications that he might one day be an awesome player for us. When we bought him I looked at a video on YouTube, which shows him as this pacy right midfielder who storms down the wing delivering crosses that are a nightmare to defend, or cutting inside and thumping goals in from 25 yards. I now honestly believe that he has a twin brother, Gillaume, who can do all these things and the one we’ve got is about as effective as a tub of lard.

Everyone would have been gutted by the outcome because with 10 minutes to go we were heading for a well-deserved victory and that first 80 minutes had so many positives. Our passing and movement was quick accurate, direct and clever. And when we needed to defend, players tracked back well. Scott Parker played a blinder in midfield, winning the ball with determination and setting up attack after attack. And for all our reticence lately in the final third, we repeatedly got to the by-line down the left hand side, with only the woodwork keeping the scores level at half time. In that first 45 minutes, no doubt under a blue moon, even LBM played well.

I was worried that by half-time we had made a hatful of chances but hadn’t converted any and Everton’s defence might not be so inviting in the second half. Though it was a bit more even after the break, we were still in the ascendancy and thoroughly deserved to take the lead.

The academy products did especially well. Freddie Sears has grown in confidence massively. He was energetic and quick thinking and linked up very well with Bellamy. With Cole returning from suspension on Saturday, I hope Zola keeps Bellamy and Sears together but has Cole in reserve to add to the mix if necessary in the final 20 minutes.

As for Collison – he was sublime. He came on the field by accident after Upson got crocked and played magnificently. His first touch is always good, he is strong in the tackle, accurate with short and long passes and plays with vision and flair. His goal was an absolute peach. Following an end-to-end move and a delicate back-heel by Parker, Collison calmly curled it into the net a la Trevor Brooking. It deserved to be the winning goal. And many of us there thought it would be. So what went wrong?

These days a football match involves 14 players and tactical substitutions at the right time are making a difference. Nothing wrong with sending Mattie on for LBM on 57 minutes – he looked sharper and more determined than on his last outing - but having taken the lead on 63minutes and players’ energy levels visibly flagging, a holding midfielder was needed for the last 15. Mullins is not my favourite player but he would undoubtedly have done better than Bowyer. By the time Di Michele came on, the game was already lost.

Until Zola and Clarke can raise the fitness levels of the team they’ve got to be planning to use subs for that final 20 minutes. The other problem was out of Zola’s hands. The unforced sale of McCartney and Ferdinand before Curbs was shown the door has left Zola with barely any experienced options in defence. I don’t know if Tompkins is fit, but if Upson hasn’t recovered by Saturday. I would rather see Tompkins joining Collins in central defence and Neill taking the right back berth, than risk Faubert fucking up again. In midfield I’ve no doubt that Collison deserves a full game at Donkey Bowyer’s expense.

The rest of the results this weekend have confirmed that outside the top four this season it is going to be very tight, with a short run of winning games making the difference between challenging for Europe or scrapping against the drop. Just 9 points are separating Villa in 5th and West Brom at the bottom.

The positive, exciting and confident style of football that Zola has us playing now ought to be rewarded and see us picking up points again soon, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see us thumping someone 3 or 4-0 in the games to come. But January will make the difference. If the other teams around us seriously strengthen their squads and we don’t, then we are going to struggle to maintain our promise in that crucial final third of the season.

If our owners take the gamble on seeing though the season with our current squad, then, as injuries inevitably pile up and we don’t have adequate cover, we are fucked and instead of paying Sheffield United we are going to be playing Sheffield United. We can’t wait until the end of January to think about this. The plans for whom we sell and aim to buy have to put in place now.

Well, I’ve not heard any more from the police about the robbery I reported. They have been as useless as the last time I reported a robbery at that police station back in the early ‘80s. At that time I was living off the Romford Road in a “house” of ex-students that very closely resembled the abode in “The Young Ones”. We got it on a short-let from a housing association, paying £25 a week between us(!). The original 6 months offer turned out to be three years and it just got messier and messier. One day we noticed that certain communal things seemed to missing– a radio cassette recorder, some tins of food etc. We just assumed that they had moved around the house the way they do when you are all ex-students. But when they came back a second time for more we realised we had been burgled.

We walked round to Plod to report it. The next day they sent a couple of cops round (one to read and one to write?). Anyway, one was tall, thin and gormless looking, the other shaped like a water melon. PC Water Melon plonked his ample frame down in an armchair in our “living” room. “We get a lot of these kind of crimes round here,” he assured us. “it’s what we call a dark area,” he said as he went into a racist diatribe dressed up as an explanation. Behind him on the wall was a poster depicting a black youth held in an arm-lock by a policeman with the words “Stop Police Harassment!” it was a peach of a moment that cried out to be videoed. But the video had been nicked…no actually we never had one.

Now, as it happened, Plod were ultra-efficient and they caught the offenders some time later. Turned out to be a couple of white vagrants as dark as the sunshine on a summer’s day. So you never know, they might catch last week’s offenders after all. Can’t imagine Slow Bear Faubert staying “on the run” too long.

Anyway, with the right team selection and with subs used before our key players are all washed out – I’m expecting us to get back to winning ways today. Enjoy the game COYI!!!