The Life of Brian

OLAS 452 January 18th 2009

How did that old Stranglers song go? “Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky? He got an ice pick that made his ears burn…”
What I want to know is whatever happened to that spherical super-striker dear old Brian Dear? If you think Frankie Lumpard is a tub of lard, well Brian Dear would have made him look like an anorexic supermodel.

Now why, all of a sudden, am I wondering about Brian Dear, my dear readers? Well it was a freezing cold day in February 1968 when I was getting ready to go to West Ham v Fulham and the sky turned white. Huge flakes of snow came down for about half an hour but miraculously didn’t settle. I had been worried that the game would be called off but it wasn’t – and what a game! Fulham scored first (Stevie Earle) but on 30 minutes West Ham got a corner, players jumped, the ball was propelled towards the goal but hit an immoveable obstacle right near the goal line. it was Brian Dear. The ball hit him on the chest, dropped to his feet, and he lifted a leg and back-heeled it in. Cheeky or what?

And that’s how it started. Twenty-five minutes later we were 5-1 up. And there was more to come. Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst added two further goals with Alan Clarke getting one more back for Fulham in between. The final score? 7-2. With Hurst soon to be joined by Clyde Best and Pop Robson, dear old Brian Dear didn’t get too many more outings. But I’ll always remember that cheeky goal, that incredible game, and think about the life of Brian. Apparently he still holds a record in the English game for the quickest five goals by one player – all in a 20 minute period against West Bromwich Albion in 1965.

So, Gianfranco, you are committed to attacking football, and here we are playing Fulham around this time of year again, and I’d like to see us tear them apart the way we did in ‘68. We’re certainly finding the net again – 11 in the last four games – and I have to say it, Carlton Cole’s goal against the barcodes was straight out of the Geoff Hurst copybook. Instead of his usual first-touch fumble and flop, he took the ball on his knee, made a quick turn then thump - a rising shot at lightning speed blasted into the roof of the net with his left peg. I thought I was dreaming at first, but it was true.

Going back to Fulham for a mo. The legendary Johnny Haynes captained the team that endured the 7-2 humiliation. He was a superb passer of the ball and Fulham legend who bawled his eyes out the one time he was booked. Now if Julian dicks behaved like that he would have run out of tears.

But Johnny Haynes was a great footballer and, when he retired, even though he wasn’t West Ham, I went to his testimonial match. You don’t get many chances to see the true greats. (I popped down to Fulham a few years later to see them play a friendly against Santos in which Pele was playing). Anyway getting to Johnny Haynes testimonial was a bit of a shlep for two young kids – my brother and me – so my mum took us. I don’t remember much about the game just that there were lots of guest players and even more goals. What stands out in my mind was walking up the Fulham Road after the game to get to the tube when we recognised a Fulham player – Stan Horne. we stopped him and got his autograph and he invited my mum to come and have a drink in the pub. Think he might have been getting Stan Horny. Anyway she turned him down, mumbled something about us having school in the morning. And to think I could have had a footballer going out with my mum…

So, anything interesting happening in your life since 2009? Certainly a lot has been happening here. Uncharacteristically, we have gone smoothly through the third round of the Cup. The first season I stated watching West Ham we lost 3-1 to 3rd division Swindon in a replay at this stage and it hasn’t got much better over the years (apart from 1975, 80 and 2006). I warned in the last OLAS that there might be some unexpected absences with “flu” against Baaarnsley and described how I was biting my nails waiting to see that Green, Noble and Bellamy would be on the field getting cup-tied. Well, there were all out there but dear, oh dear, where was Matthew Upson? He was out son. Down with “flu” or so they say… but as I write he is still with us, as are all our “stars” despite some silly money offers. Either the club is serious about a principled decision to hold on to its assets or they are waiting for offers in excess of £15million.

We have lost a couple of fringe players. I wonder if Mattie had a bet that he’s move on? He’s not been himself for a while so maybe a new start at Stoke will do him good. And Bowyer’s gone – but only on loan – to Brimingham. If it weren’t for the credit crunch I would have bought him myself and dumped him in the Midlands. Rumour has it that LBM may be on his way to Hull. Now readers of this column will know he is not my favourite player, but in the last few weeks he has shown more of what I thought he could do, and though I don’t really want to say it publicly, and please don’t tell anyone I said it, I think I want him to stay. But looking through the other end of the telescope I haven’t seen any stars heading this way either. We’re on a good run at the moment, sitting in the top half of the table. playing some sparkling football in patches, and this surely is the time to build in any way we can. I’ll be mighty disappointed if we can’t get another couple of players, even on loan, by the end of the month.

Next up in the cup, a trip to the North east again to Hartlepool famous for the hanging of a monkey during the Napoleonic wars, whoim they mistook for a French spy! (why couldn’t they just spank him?) and also notorious for its loathsome and haunting former MP, now Lord Mandelson. He was the one who, when he first stood for that constituency, popped into a chippie in Harlepool and asked for some guacamole having failed to recognise the gooey snot-like green formation as mushy peas! I used to eat this delicacy myself when I was a student in Leeds. I got them from our local chippie opposite the uni called “Sweaty Betty’s” which, for some odd reason. always made me think about sweaty balls. Anyway we have a great chance to progress to the fifth round and I fancy a home tie against a premiership team to spice things up.

Talking of the premiership, those august institutions - the Premier League and the FA want our bollox on a plate as Tevezgate re-opens. And this is serious. I guess a lot will depend on Kia who has wormed his way into the Upton Park set up. I think he is going to extract a lot of secret promises that are going to keep him quiet and earning a pretty penny for a long time for any assistance he can offer the club in keeping the FA sweet (note to readers: “FA sweet” is different to “sweet FA”). I suspect we may get hit for a further fine but I don’t think there will be a points reduction and this will almost be the end of the affair. Whatever outcome, it will force the Sheffield United claim to be dealt with. Let’s hope that no one at the club, whatever the temptation, is stupid enough to take us on that kind of adventure again.

But what are the guarantees? The only possible safeguard is accountability and transparency and that means a complete ovehaul of how the club is working at the moment. You wonder how much they even tell the chirpy little man, Zola. Still what Zola is getting the players to do on the pitch means that we are happy to focus there, and the players are apparently unfazed by it, but it will be a nagging worry until it is sorted.

So a tough game today. Welcome back to old faces, and welcome to Roy Hodgson who has a funny face. I always think he looks like a character from an old British movie. a kind of ordinary Joe who plods away saying ‘all right guv” when you pass. Bless him. The returning refugees and outcasts will be desperate to do well, none more so than Bobby Zamora. I won’t be surprised of he nabs a goal but I think we can nick it. It’s a New Year, time for a prediction. I’ll go 7-2. I should get good odds on that. Only joking. But a mini-goal fest ending 3-2 wouldn’t surprise me. with Bellers and Cole on target again. And maybe Collision too.

So on a cold Sunday in January I’ll be in the Doc Martens Upper waiting for, and expecting, every goal, And as the Stranglers also said “I can think of a lot worse places to be like down on the streets or down in the sewer, or even on the end of a skewer”...or up before the FA?

Let’s put that to one side today and remember East is East and West is West. Let’s show that East is the best. And by the way Leon Trotsky was murdered in Mexico in 1940 by agents of Stalin, though his book “Fascism what it is and how to fight it” remains a classic, and Brian Dear, the last I heard was running a pub. COYI!!!