Beyond Enfield

OLAS 448 8 December 2008

When a game ends 0-0 there is usually not much to write about. So with two of our last three games ending 0-0 that either doubles or halves how little there is to write or not write about it. I never was that good at maths. As the song goes from Porgy and Bess, we “got plenty of nothing”. Only a 0-0 at Anfield is a little bit more intriguing than any old goalless draw, and certainly more intriguing than a 0-0 at Enfield. Full credit to the team for a very organised display, crucial saves as usual from Greenie, and thanks, too, to Steven Gerrard, who unlike King Midas turned everything he touched into crap. We could have passed the ball to him all night – well, we did actually – and he blew every opportunity. Pity he was more accurate at Cardiff the other year in the 90 millionth minute.

And it might have been even better at Anfield (shit – I can’t write that now without thinking of Enfield). We had four or five good chances ourselves. The post and the side netting took two of them from us the others we wasted all by ourselves. And so the long wait for our first win at Anfield since 1963 continues for another year. I had the opportunity to preview the game for the Observer and have to eat some of my words now, along with some humble pie. “Liverpool will be too strong” I opined. Not at all. This was a pretty tepid display from the league leaders as they ran out of ideas and wasted most of their shooting opportunities. I did add, though, that “we would take the game to them in the spirit of ‘63”. And we did after a fashion, carving out some good chances while spending most of the game in our own half. We played the ball out of defence confidently, made some good interchange of passes in midfield but lacked any bite up front. Carlton Cole’s crucial contribution was clearing off the line after a Liverpool corner. At the other end he was hopeless and looked way out of his depth.

When we won in ‘63, our goal scorers were two players bound for glory – Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters - but the programme for the next game recalled the outstanding debut of a young centre half called Dave Bickles. I saw him play a couple of times. And while Hurst and Peters (and Bobby Moore) went on to lift the World cup, Bickles played around 30 times for West Ham, transferred to Crystal Palace, then hung up his boots early to become a PE teacher.

I don’t have much time for PE teachers myself, having endured several incredibly stupid and irritating examples of the genre, but I have sympathy for Bickles because he died young – in his 50s. My PE teacher at primary school – Miss Gilbert – was a complete monster, though she also suffered, and the last I heard had multiple sclerosis. At secondary school we had two PE teachers. One used to be a footballer – for Darlington, if that counts. He was just one of those Great Northern Bastards. If you took a moment to stand with your hand on your hips (instead of having your knuckles scraping the floor) he’d bellow your name followed by: “Where’s your ‘andbag, ladddie?”. He was called Noel Martin and saw himself as a bit of a wordsmith. I remember his rationalisations for people like me who, in those days, had long hair and needed to trim it. “Don’t permit your hair to grow long laddie,” he explained “it impedes your peripheral vision.”

These days my peripheral vision is just dandy.

Our other PE teacher Martin Jenkinson, was the total opposite of an intellectual. He used to pick on my Polish friend Marek who was less than enthusiastic about PE. Once he fired off that oh so reasonable question at Marek: “You lad, where are your family from?”
“Poland”, Marek Replied
“Didn’t we fight your lot in the war?” – Well, Marek just laughed. And the answer is no, Mr Jenkinson.

Still it could have been worse. My friend Mike grew up in several countries as his dad’s engineering job took him from place to place. He spent some of his childhood years in Spain under Franco’s regime. At that time every school was obliged to have at least one member of staff who was a paid up member of the Fascist Party. In Mike’s school it was the PE teacher. Life is full of surprises. Imagine if every school here had to have some gruesome, loathsome half-wit from the BNP on their staff. Apparently, after the leaking of a certain list, it seems that a few do.

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned PE teachers are right down there with the scum of the earth, alongside estate agents, hedge fund speculators, OFSTED inspectors, and other useless or parasitical creatures.

Now talking of the scum of the earth I reckon old Harry will find he’s gone from Hero to Zero when he steps out there tonight with his (ho, ho) “boyhood team”. Lots of fans reckon he’s really done the dirty by taking charge at Spurs and are baying for his blood. Me – I still like him really. I can’t just turn off the memories, like a tap, of the good times we had when he was here, when he brought exciting players like Paulo Futre and Paulo di Canio; when he groomed Joe Cole and Michael Carrick for stardom, when he threw a plate of sandwiches at our hapless defenders (they probably didn’t even stop that). So, Harry, you are a mercenary bastard who has sold his soul to the devil but you are still up there among my heroes.

Spurs came unstuck against Everton last week but their general trajectory under Harry is upwards and they will be tough opposition. Our model for approaching this game ought to be the first 75 minutes we played against Everton when we were sharp and creative, playing at pace, getting to the by-line and putting chances on a plate for our strikers. And our strikers against Everton were Bellamy and Sears – no Cole. I want to see him and Tristan on the bench ready to come on to add a little height and weight to the attack if necessary in the final 20 minutes, but let’s start with our vertically challenged duo.

Midfield is a more difficult one to call now that Nobes is fit again. Behrami and Parker have been outstanding in the last three games, but Mullins has also looked really solid. Collison deserves to be in the mix too after his performance against Everton. And we could do with Mattie - motivated to perform against his old club - to give us width.

Behrami may have missed a chance against Sunderland that my friend’s half-blind, zimmer-framed granny would have scored, but he has been our star performer this year and is proving to be really versatile. I wonder if he is our captain in the making . Lucas Neill’s commitment might not stretch to signing a contract on less incredibly and unjustifiably lucrative terms. Like Harry, Lucas is another mercenary bastard, but playing rather well at the moment in a very solid and settled back four.

if we can keep our back four free from injury and resist the poachers for Robert Green in January we will continue to be hard to beat but with the league so tight we are not going to guarantee our safety by drawing 0-0 too often. I’ll take that score against the big guns, but when we are playing everyone else we need to be winning and, sometimes, even winning handsomely. That is why we need to bring in, on loan if necessary, a creative midfielder in the Benayoun/Berkovic mould and a quick witted and powerful goal scorer during January. if one of these is someone who can take corners or free kicks, that would do us no harm either.

A fully fit Keiron Dyer is going to take time to readjust to the demands of the premier league and, even then, he will always be a disaster waiting to happen. And I doubt if we’ll see Deano back until the final few weeks.

So if anyone on the official website promises their return and says “It will be like having two new players”, we’ve got to say “Bollox, it is. These two would be hard pressed to walk round Beckton Asda doing their shopping without getting injured again.” (Though maybe that should be on their training schedule – Steve Clarke take note).

If they both come back in the new year and stay free from injury until the end of the season I’ll eat some more words and humble pie. But what is absolutely clear is that we can’t wait until next season to see the best from Dyer and Ashton because they’ll be doing it against the likes of Blackpool, QPR and Sheffield Wednesday instead of against Man U, Chelsea and Liverpool.

Enjoy the game tonight – time for us to remind Harry why East London is wonderful. COYI !!!