OLAS 454 8th February 2009
One of my great regrets in life was giving in to the weather and packing up our tent at the Cambridge Folk Festival a few years ago hours before Joe Strummer was due to appear on stage with his Mescaleros band. It proved to be almost his last gig.
My other great regret was when I decided I couldn’t be bothered to come to a less than glamorous match at Upton Park in October 1983. I was probably washing my hair instead. It was the second leg of the League Cup or as it was known that year – the Milk Cup. We had won the first leg, 2-1, at Bury, and the second leg at home against inferior lower league opposition seemed a formality, so why bother? But what a formality! We buried poor Bury 10-0 that night, in front of less than 11,000 lucky fans. Tony Cottee scored four of the goals.
Well, with a bit of luck and a less agile goalkeeper we could have repeated that score against Hull in our last home match. Not that Hull were that bad but this was West ham’s cleverest and classiest attacking performance this season. The ball was pinging around in neat triangles and diamonds and we created enough chances to win very handsomely. Their goalie was magnificent stopping four or five certain goals. He pulled off two wondrous saves from Mark Noble, the first a powerfully driven penalty, the second an exquisite Yossi Benayoun-style chip. We hit the woodwork three times and Di Michele and Cole – who played magnificently throughout – both missed a couple of sitters each.
The team spirit, with every player making runs for each other, appreciating and applauding each other’s efforts - was there for all to see. And, to be honest, it needed Bellamy’s huge ego to be displaced for this team spirit to reveal itself. His constant moaning at other players, never mind the ref, was actually very undermining. Now we are truly West ham “United”. And what cheered me up no end last weekend was knowing that although Bellamy scored on his debut for Citeh during the week, he also knows what it’s like to lose to 10 men at Stoke, while we were glowing after picking up a point at Arsenal!
And what a point that is. One to add to the points already chalked up at Liverpool and Chelsea. And given the way we are playing at the minute, it wasn’t a big surprise. That afternoon, when some of you were in the Emirates, I was over in poncey Chelsea – not to see football, but art. We took my mother in law to “Unveiled” – a very powerful exhibition of Middle Eastern art – at the new Saatchi gallery at the top of Kings Road. We eventually found a free parking space after declining the opportunity to leave our car in the car park for a mere £12.20 for two hours.
Anyway we got home around 4.40 and immediately I switched on my computer on the Sporting life site – my footie site of choice - to catch the score. It was 0-0 with less than 10 minutes to go. Magnificent. I was in no doubt we would hold on. Now either I was dreaming or, even the anally retentive Arsene Wenger praised West Ham’s resolute defensive display. Something must be happening here.
Well, like wiping your bum, playing Man U is rarely pleasant but is one of those things you just have to do. Their current form may be completely awesome but we have no reason to fear them. Can West Ham beat Manure today? Well, it depends whether the historians or philosophers are right.
Historians base their methods on inquiry, explanation and argument. They gather information and evidence from the past and look for patterns to explain what has happened. On that basis they can claim to make a fair judgement about what is likely to happen today.
And if you look at West Ham’s results at home to Man U since the beginning of the 1990s you would expect to find a pattern of victories by the superpower that is Man U over the mini-statelet of West Ham – but Upton Park has been the great leveller where Alex Ferguson has failed time and again. In 14 attempts during that period Man U have won only four times. On the other occasions we have won three (including last year and the year before) and every other game has been a draw. And they have never beaten us at Upton Park two years running throughout that time. So if you go in for historical patterns, then even if they win this year they won’t next year.
Philosophers would no doubt disagree. They concern themselves with the nature of truth, reality and meaning. And let’s look at the reality, player for player. We love our team to bits but if you were Alex the Red Nosed Alky, is there one player in the Man U team you would swap for their West Ham counterpart? Rooney or Berbatov for Cole? I don’t think so. Ronaldo for Noble? Gary Neville for Lucas Neil – nope? And take a look at truth. It is clearly true that despite Robert Green’s heroics we have conceded 31 times this season while Manure have let in only 10.
The meaning of all this, from a philosophical point of view, is surely that this weekend after a great run, we are well and truly fucked. We should look forward to it only as an opportunity to witness a glorious defeat by the best team in the land.
Fuck philosophy – lets be historians this weekend and continue the fight for a better past. Because history tells us that we can do it. In those dark days last autumn I made myself feel better by counting a few matches we might scrape points from before we had to play the likes of Arsenal and Man U again. I had no inkling that we would go into this game unbeaten in league and cup for two months. But that is what we have done – and when I say “we”, I mean we, the fans who have kept faith and kept positive as Zola and Clarke have attempted to improve the team, and we the players and coaches who have never let their heads drop when things were not going our way. it is also pleasing to know that whatever the result, at worst we’ll stay in 8th place this weekend.
In my column a few weeks back I prematurely described the top six as a closed shop in which none of those posh clubs were going to be dislodged by the lower classes. Now we are within spitting distance of Everton (and it would be nice to spit at them after their daylight robbery here when we dominated the game for 80 minutes). If we keep our heads high, whatever the result today, and stay free of injuries with what is, still. a relatively thin squad, we might catch them. That would be an enormous achievement. There are no easy games in the last third of the season – many of the teams we will face will be worrying about relegation but we have momentum. Let’s keep it going.
Today, let’s remember to give Carlos and Rio a warm welcome, but let’s also use our volume as fan to encourage the team and put pressure on our visitors. In all honesty, I don’t think we will win today, but neither do I think we will lose. A hard fought draw, 1-1 or 2-2.
A final comment. I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon on the inside pages of OLAS these days. A bit like the way the pollen count goes up at certain times of year, the “Dave” count has also gone up. A recent issue had 6 or 7 of us (I was disguised as David). Perhaps a philosopher might look at this and surmise that if you happen to be called Dave their is a certain inevitability that at some time in your life you will write for OLAS. Or they might suggest that, if you continue to write for OLAS, your name might change to Dave. Alternatively it could prove something I have suspected for some time – that the world is essentially divided between Daves and non-Daves, and that the proportion of Daves are growing.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Monday, 2 February 2009
Wemb-er-ley
OLAS 453 28 January 2009
We’re on our way to Wembley! Don’t you feel the vibe too? Two solid wins against the lower league sides that are normally our big banana skin and a home draw in the 5th round while some of the premiership teams like Spuds and Portsmouth are slipping out of the competition. Gianfranco knows what the FA Cup means and he’s got the players psyched up for it. All we need is for Liverpool to meet us there at Wembley. We owe them.
Hartlepool lived up to their name and put their heart and soul into the game but I was never in doubt that we would win and it was a great team performance. The patches of possession football where we strung 20 passes together were exquisite and at the heart of this was Scotty Parker who played his best game since we drew at Chelsea. But I was also impressed with di Michele. He also had a cracker against Fulham where he had some big shoes to step into.
With Piltdown Man heading off to Citeh, despite giving it all the “I’ll never ask for a move” bollox, di Michele knew he had to impress and it took him just 6 minutes to get us singing “Who needs Craig Bellamy?” as he quickly and cleverly took advantage of John Paintsil pants defending. Di Michele was lively and intelligent throughout the Fulham game and even more so at Hartlepool. And with Carlton Cole’s confidence high (and his boots – careful Carlton), we’re going well and things are definitely looking up.
Bellamy of course is a talented player, but very injury prone and a total wanker constantly in danger of getting sent off as he mouths off to the refs. the refs are crap – always have been – but here at West Ham we deal with them with a bit of class. Bobby Moore often used to get his way with refs with a few quiet words here and there. We’ll live without Bellamy and his prognathous skull, but I dearly hope that by the time this comes out we’ll have a replacement. The media reckon we’re “this close” to signing the 19yar old Ugandan wonderkid whose been playing at Brescia, or as Nani would like to see them, our feeder club.
If we sign Nsereko then I’ll have every reason to come to West Ham in my Ugandan under-21 football shirt. So what’s a 51 year-old geezer, London born and bred, doing with such a shirt? Well spiritually, Uganda is my adopted second home. I spent five weeks working in a school there in 2001, revisited the school and surrounding area in 2005, know some great people there who I stay in touch with, saw crocodiles chilling out there near Murchison Falls, and love the place. The school was in Masindi region about 130 miles north west of Kampala – Nsereko’s birthplace. I lived there in the local community – no electricity, no running water, no telly, no computers with West Ham blogs – and loved every minute. I hope I’ll spend more time there at some point in the future and I’m continuing to learn Swahili to prepare for that. The words you need to know are “mpira ya miguu” - that’s “football” and “Ninaendelea kuvuma viputo milele” – which means “I’m forever blowing bubbles”. Don’t know how to say “Bellamy you total toerag” but I’ll find out. No, hold on, it’s “Bellamy, wewe ni toerag kabisa kabisa!”
The school I work in over here is an inner city concrete jungle where space is so tight we have our playground on the roof. And because they are Islington kids and don’t know how to play the West Ham way, the balls keep flying off the roof.
In Kizibu School, Masindi we had space, mango trees growing in the playground, chickens and goats running around, and a full size football pitch. The only problem with the pitch is that about 5 in the afternoon a guy would come with his cattle for them to do their grazing. And these cattle were serious cattle with huge horns in semi-circles that almost met. They munched the grass for half an hour then moved on but they left a big bare patch in one half of the footie field. Nor sure the FA would approve, though they would probably be cool about it if it was Man U.
Anyway I’ve seen the youtube video and Nsereko look like a real prospect. Before Brescia he played in Germany. It’s going to confuse the BNP herd in the crowd isn’t it? They’ll like him, well, ‘cos he’s German ain’t he, but he’s black as well. Hopefully he’ll give them something to think about.
So back in October and November when we were dropping points as frequently as tosspot Russell Brand drops his pants, did you think Zola was going to turn it around? Me, I was worried. Big time. But I’m so glad he has. No doubt we’ll have injuries and a dip in form at some point but I feel he has properly developed a system, a way of playing, an approach that the players seem very comfortable and confident with. And I’m sure that Steve Clarke has had a big hand in that too.
The Fulham game was a key one because when you are on a good run you need to beat the teams around you. And we have the same task tonight. Hull also had a sound cup result, though their league form has been very ropey. They know that if they don’t start picking up points soon they can go back down again to their natural home. For all their fantastic form at the beginning of the campaign they are just 6 points above the drop zone. I think they will be a hard to beat, but we’re playing with confidence and determination and I hope we might nick it.
Another player whose return to form has really made me chuffed is our local hero Mark Noble. He’s had an inconsistent season while a lot of eyes have been on the new kid in the block – Jack Collison. But at the moment we’re blessed with both of them playing well. and with Scotty Parker returning to form and Behrami playing like the new Billy Bonds, our midfield is formidable
So just a few days of the transfer window left and we’ve still got Noble, Collison, Upson and Green –I’m starting to feel hopeful we’ll retain them. After tonight we’ve got the Arse and Man U. Wouldn’t it be great to go into those matches on a high. We may not take points from them but if we can face them undefeated since early December then we can give them a run for their money. Meanwhile I don’t want to bring you down, or make you feel blue, but I’m sad to report that Glenn Roeder has been sacked again….Wehey!!!!!!!
We’re on our way to Wembley! Don’t you feel the vibe too? Two solid wins against the lower league sides that are normally our big banana skin and a home draw in the 5th round while some of the premiership teams like Spuds and Portsmouth are slipping out of the competition. Gianfranco knows what the FA Cup means and he’s got the players psyched up for it. All we need is for Liverpool to meet us there at Wembley. We owe them.
Hartlepool lived up to their name and put their heart and soul into the game but I was never in doubt that we would win and it was a great team performance. The patches of possession football where we strung 20 passes together were exquisite and at the heart of this was Scotty Parker who played his best game since we drew at Chelsea. But I was also impressed with di Michele. He also had a cracker against Fulham where he had some big shoes to step into.
With Piltdown Man heading off to Citeh, despite giving it all the “I’ll never ask for a move” bollox, di Michele knew he had to impress and it took him just 6 minutes to get us singing “Who needs Craig Bellamy?” as he quickly and cleverly took advantage of John Paintsil pants defending. Di Michele was lively and intelligent throughout the Fulham game and even more so at Hartlepool. And with Carlton Cole’s confidence high (and his boots – careful Carlton), we’re going well and things are definitely looking up.
Bellamy of course is a talented player, but very injury prone and a total wanker constantly in danger of getting sent off as he mouths off to the refs. the refs are crap – always have been – but here at West Ham we deal with them with a bit of class. Bobby Moore often used to get his way with refs with a few quiet words here and there. We’ll live without Bellamy and his prognathous skull, but I dearly hope that by the time this comes out we’ll have a replacement. The media reckon we’re “this close” to signing the 19yar old Ugandan wonderkid whose been playing at Brescia, or as Nani would like to see them, our feeder club.
If we sign Nsereko then I’ll have every reason to come to West Ham in my Ugandan under-21 football shirt. So what’s a 51 year-old geezer, London born and bred, doing with such a shirt? Well spiritually, Uganda is my adopted second home. I spent five weeks working in a school there in 2001, revisited the school and surrounding area in 2005, know some great people there who I stay in touch with, saw crocodiles chilling out there near Murchison Falls, and love the place. The school was in Masindi region about 130 miles north west of Kampala – Nsereko’s birthplace. I lived there in the local community – no electricity, no running water, no telly, no computers with West Ham blogs – and loved every minute. I hope I’ll spend more time there at some point in the future and I’m continuing to learn Swahili to prepare for that. The words you need to know are “mpira ya miguu” - that’s “football” and “Ninaendelea kuvuma viputo milele” – which means “I’m forever blowing bubbles”. Don’t know how to say “Bellamy you total toerag” but I’ll find out. No, hold on, it’s “Bellamy, wewe ni toerag kabisa kabisa!”
The school I work in over here is an inner city concrete jungle where space is so tight we have our playground on the roof. And because they are Islington kids and don’t know how to play the West Ham way, the balls keep flying off the roof.
In Kizibu School, Masindi we had space, mango trees growing in the playground, chickens and goats running around, and a full size football pitch. The only problem with the pitch is that about 5 in the afternoon a guy would come with his cattle for them to do their grazing. And these cattle were serious cattle with huge horns in semi-circles that almost met. They munched the grass for half an hour then moved on but they left a big bare patch in one half of the footie field. Nor sure the FA would approve, though they would probably be cool about it if it was Man U.
Anyway I’ve seen the youtube video and Nsereko look like a real prospect. Before Brescia he played in Germany. It’s going to confuse the BNP herd in the crowd isn’t it? They’ll like him, well, ‘cos he’s German ain’t he, but he’s black as well. Hopefully he’ll give them something to think about.
So back in October and November when we were dropping points as frequently as tosspot Russell Brand drops his pants, did you think Zola was going to turn it around? Me, I was worried. Big time. But I’m so glad he has. No doubt we’ll have injuries and a dip in form at some point but I feel he has properly developed a system, a way of playing, an approach that the players seem very comfortable and confident with. And I’m sure that Steve Clarke has had a big hand in that too.
The Fulham game was a key one because when you are on a good run you need to beat the teams around you. And we have the same task tonight. Hull also had a sound cup result, though their league form has been very ropey. They know that if they don’t start picking up points soon they can go back down again to their natural home. For all their fantastic form at the beginning of the campaign they are just 6 points above the drop zone. I think they will be a hard to beat, but we’re playing with confidence and determination and I hope we might nick it.
Another player whose return to form has really made me chuffed is our local hero Mark Noble. He’s had an inconsistent season while a lot of eyes have been on the new kid in the block – Jack Collison. But at the moment we’re blessed with both of them playing well. and with Scotty Parker returning to form and Behrami playing like the new Billy Bonds, our midfield is formidable
So just a few days of the transfer window left and we’ve still got Noble, Collison, Upson and Green –I’m starting to feel hopeful we’ll retain them. After tonight we’ve got the Arse and Man U. Wouldn’t it be great to go into those matches on a high. We may not take points from them but if we can face them undefeated since early December then we can give them a run for their money. Meanwhile I don’t want to bring you down, or make you feel blue, but I’m sad to report that Glenn Roeder has been sacked again….Wehey!!!!!!!
Sunday, 18 January 2009
The Life of Brian
OLAS 452 January 18th 2009
How did that old Stranglers song go? “Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky? He got an ice pick that made his ears burn…”
What I want to know is whatever happened to that spherical super-striker dear old Brian Dear? If you think Frankie Lumpard is a tub of lard, well Brian Dear would have made him look like an anorexic supermodel.
Now why, all of a sudden, am I wondering about Brian Dear, my dear readers? Well it was a freezing cold day in February 1968 when I was getting ready to go to West Ham v Fulham and the sky turned white. Huge flakes of snow came down for about half an hour but miraculously didn’t settle. I had been worried that the game would be called off but it wasn’t – and what a game! Fulham scored first (Stevie Earle) but on 30 minutes West Ham got a corner, players jumped, the ball was propelled towards the goal but hit an immoveable obstacle right near the goal line. it was Brian Dear. The ball hit him on the chest, dropped to his feet, and he lifted a leg and back-heeled it in. Cheeky or what?
And that’s how it started. Twenty-five minutes later we were 5-1 up. And there was more to come. Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst added two further goals with Alan Clarke getting one more back for Fulham in between. The final score? 7-2. With Hurst soon to be joined by Clyde Best and Pop Robson, dear old Brian Dear didn’t get too many more outings. But I’ll always remember that cheeky goal, that incredible game, and think about the life of Brian. Apparently he still holds a record in the English game for the quickest five goals by one player – all in a 20 minute period against West Bromwich Albion in 1965.
So, Gianfranco, you are committed to attacking football, and here we are playing Fulham around this time of year again, and I’d like to see us tear them apart the way we did in ‘68. We’re certainly finding the net again – 11 in the last four games – and I have to say it, Carlton Cole’s goal against the barcodes was straight out of the Geoff Hurst copybook. Instead of his usual first-touch fumble and flop, he took the ball on his knee, made a quick turn then thump - a rising shot at lightning speed blasted into the roof of the net with his left peg. I thought I was dreaming at first, but it was true.
Going back to Fulham for a mo. The legendary Johnny Haynes captained the team that endured the 7-2 humiliation. He was a superb passer of the ball and Fulham legend who bawled his eyes out the one time he was booked. Now if Julian dicks behaved like that he would have run out of tears.
But Johnny Haynes was a great footballer and, when he retired, even though he wasn’t West Ham, I went to his testimonial match. You don’t get many chances to see the true greats. (I popped down to Fulham a few years later to see them play a friendly against Santos in which Pele was playing). Anyway getting to Johnny Haynes testimonial was a bit of a shlep for two young kids – my brother and me – so my mum took us. I don’t remember much about the game just that there were lots of guest players and even more goals. What stands out in my mind was walking up the Fulham Road after the game to get to the tube when we recognised a Fulham player – Stan Horne. we stopped him and got his autograph and he invited my mum to come and have a drink in the pub. Think he might have been getting Stan Horny. Anyway she turned him down, mumbled something about us having school in the morning. And to think I could have had a footballer going out with my mum…
So, anything interesting happening in your life since 2009? Certainly a lot has been happening here. Uncharacteristically, we have gone smoothly through the third round of the Cup. The first season I stated watching West Ham we lost 3-1 to 3rd division Swindon in a replay at this stage and it hasn’t got much better over the years (apart from 1975, 80 and 2006). I warned in the last OLAS that there might be some unexpected absences with “flu” against Baaarnsley and described how I was biting my nails waiting to see that Green, Noble and Bellamy would be on the field getting cup-tied. Well, there were all out there but dear, oh dear, where was Matthew Upson? He was out son. Down with “flu” or so they say… but as I write he is still with us, as are all our “stars” despite some silly money offers. Either the club is serious about a principled decision to hold on to its assets or they are waiting for offers in excess of £15million.
We have lost a couple of fringe players. I wonder if Mattie had a bet that he’s move on? He’s not been himself for a while so maybe a new start at Stoke will do him good. And Bowyer’s gone – but only on loan – to Brimingham. If it weren’t for the credit crunch I would have bought him myself and dumped him in the Midlands. Rumour has it that LBM may be on his way to Hull. Now readers of this column will know he is not my favourite player, but in the last few weeks he has shown more of what I thought he could do, and though I don’t really want to say it publicly, and please don’t tell anyone I said it, I think I want him to stay. But looking through the other end of the telescope I haven’t seen any stars heading this way either. We’re on a good run at the moment, sitting in the top half of the table. playing some sparkling football in patches, and this surely is the time to build in any way we can. I’ll be mighty disappointed if we can’t get another couple of players, even on loan, by the end of the month.
Next up in the cup, a trip to the North east again to Hartlepool famous for the hanging of a monkey during the Napoleonic wars, whoim they mistook for a French spy! (why couldn’t they just spank him?) and also notorious for its loathsome and haunting former MP, now Lord Mandelson. He was the one who, when he first stood for that constituency, popped into a chippie in Harlepool and asked for some guacamole having failed to recognise the gooey snot-like green formation as mushy peas! I used to eat this delicacy myself when I was a student in Leeds. I got them from our local chippie opposite the uni called “Sweaty Betty’s” which, for some odd reason. always made me think about sweaty balls. Anyway we have a great chance to progress to the fifth round and I fancy a home tie against a premiership team to spice things up.
Talking of the premiership, those august institutions - the Premier League and the FA want our bollox on a plate as Tevezgate re-opens. And this is serious. I guess a lot will depend on Kia who has wormed his way into the Upton Park set up. I think he is going to extract a lot of secret promises that are going to keep him quiet and earning a pretty penny for a long time for any assistance he can offer the club in keeping the FA sweet (note to readers: “FA sweet” is different to “sweet FA”). I suspect we may get hit for a further fine but I don’t think there will be a points reduction and this will almost be the end of the affair. Whatever outcome, it will force the Sheffield United claim to be dealt with. Let’s hope that no one at the club, whatever the temptation, is stupid enough to take us on that kind of adventure again.
But what are the guarantees? The only possible safeguard is accountability and transparency and that means a complete ovehaul of how the club is working at the moment. You wonder how much they even tell the chirpy little man, Zola. Still what Zola is getting the players to do on the pitch means that we are happy to focus there, and the players are apparently unfazed by it, but it will be a nagging worry until it is sorted.
So a tough game today. Welcome back to old faces, and welcome to Roy Hodgson who has a funny face. I always think he looks like a character from an old British movie. a kind of ordinary Joe who plods away saying ‘all right guv” when you pass. Bless him. The returning refugees and outcasts will be desperate to do well, none more so than Bobby Zamora. I won’t be surprised of he nabs a goal but I think we can nick it. It’s a New Year, time for a prediction. I’ll go 7-2. I should get good odds on that. Only joking. But a mini-goal fest ending 3-2 wouldn’t surprise me. with Bellers and Cole on target again. And maybe Collision too.
So on a cold Sunday in January I’ll be in the Doc Martens Upper waiting for, and expecting, every goal, And as the Stranglers also said “I can think of a lot worse places to be like down on the streets or down in the sewer, or even on the end of a skewer”...or up before the FA?
Let’s put that to one side today and remember East is East and West is West. Let’s show that East is the best. And by the way Leon Trotsky was murdered in Mexico in 1940 by agents of Stalin, though his book “Fascism what it is and how to fight it” remains a classic, and Brian Dear, the last I heard was running a pub. COYI!!!
How did that old Stranglers song go? “Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky? He got an ice pick that made his ears burn…”
What I want to know is whatever happened to that spherical super-striker dear old Brian Dear? If you think Frankie Lumpard is a tub of lard, well Brian Dear would have made him look like an anorexic supermodel.
Now why, all of a sudden, am I wondering about Brian Dear, my dear readers? Well it was a freezing cold day in February 1968 when I was getting ready to go to West Ham v Fulham and the sky turned white. Huge flakes of snow came down for about half an hour but miraculously didn’t settle. I had been worried that the game would be called off but it wasn’t – and what a game! Fulham scored first (Stevie Earle) but on 30 minutes West Ham got a corner, players jumped, the ball was propelled towards the goal but hit an immoveable obstacle right near the goal line. it was Brian Dear. The ball hit him on the chest, dropped to his feet, and he lifted a leg and back-heeled it in. Cheeky or what?
And that’s how it started. Twenty-five minutes later we were 5-1 up. And there was more to come. Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst added two further goals with Alan Clarke getting one more back for Fulham in between. The final score? 7-2. With Hurst soon to be joined by Clyde Best and Pop Robson, dear old Brian Dear didn’t get too many more outings. But I’ll always remember that cheeky goal, that incredible game, and think about the life of Brian. Apparently he still holds a record in the English game for the quickest five goals by one player – all in a 20 minute period against West Bromwich Albion in 1965.
So, Gianfranco, you are committed to attacking football, and here we are playing Fulham around this time of year again, and I’d like to see us tear them apart the way we did in ‘68. We’re certainly finding the net again – 11 in the last four games – and I have to say it, Carlton Cole’s goal against the barcodes was straight out of the Geoff Hurst copybook. Instead of his usual first-touch fumble and flop, he took the ball on his knee, made a quick turn then thump - a rising shot at lightning speed blasted into the roof of the net with his left peg. I thought I was dreaming at first, but it was true.
Going back to Fulham for a mo. The legendary Johnny Haynes captained the team that endured the 7-2 humiliation. He was a superb passer of the ball and Fulham legend who bawled his eyes out the one time he was booked. Now if Julian dicks behaved like that he would have run out of tears.
But Johnny Haynes was a great footballer and, when he retired, even though he wasn’t West Ham, I went to his testimonial match. You don’t get many chances to see the true greats. (I popped down to Fulham a few years later to see them play a friendly against Santos in which Pele was playing). Anyway getting to Johnny Haynes testimonial was a bit of a shlep for two young kids – my brother and me – so my mum took us. I don’t remember much about the game just that there were lots of guest players and even more goals. What stands out in my mind was walking up the Fulham Road after the game to get to the tube when we recognised a Fulham player – Stan Horne. we stopped him and got his autograph and he invited my mum to come and have a drink in the pub. Think he might have been getting Stan Horny. Anyway she turned him down, mumbled something about us having school in the morning. And to think I could have had a footballer going out with my mum…
So, anything interesting happening in your life since 2009? Certainly a lot has been happening here. Uncharacteristically, we have gone smoothly through the third round of the Cup. The first season I stated watching West Ham we lost 3-1 to 3rd division Swindon in a replay at this stage and it hasn’t got much better over the years (apart from 1975, 80 and 2006). I warned in the last OLAS that there might be some unexpected absences with “flu” against Baaarnsley and described how I was biting my nails waiting to see that Green, Noble and Bellamy would be on the field getting cup-tied. Well, there were all out there but dear, oh dear, where was Matthew Upson? He was out son. Down with “flu” or so they say… but as I write he is still with us, as are all our “stars” despite some silly money offers. Either the club is serious about a principled decision to hold on to its assets or they are waiting for offers in excess of £15million.
We have lost a couple of fringe players. I wonder if Mattie had a bet that he’s move on? He’s not been himself for a while so maybe a new start at Stoke will do him good. And Bowyer’s gone – but only on loan – to Brimingham. If it weren’t for the credit crunch I would have bought him myself and dumped him in the Midlands. Rumour has it that LBM may be on his way to Hull. Now readers of this column will know he is not my favourite player, but in the last few weeks he has shown more of what I thought he could do, and though I don’t really want to say it publicly, and please don’t tell anyone I said it, I think I want him to stay. But looking through the other end of the telescope I haven’t seen any stars heading this way either. We’re on a good run at the moment, sitting in the top half of the table. playing some sparkling football in patches, and this surely is the time to build in any way we can. I’ll be mighty disappointed if we can’t get another couple of players, even on loan, by the end of the month.
Next up in the cup, a trip to the North east again to Hartlepool famous for the hanging of a monkey during the Napoleonic wars, whoim they mistook for a French spy! (why couldn’t they just spank him?) and also notorious for its loathsome and haunting former MP, now Lord Mandelson. He was the one who, when he first stood for that constituency, popped into a chippie in Harlepool and asked for some guacamole having failed to recognise the gooey snot-like green formation as mushy peas! I used to eat this delicacy myself when I was a student in Leeds. I got them from our local chippie opposite the uni called “Sweaty Betty’s” which, for some odd reason. always made me think about sweaty balls. Anyway we have a great chance to progress to the fifth round and I fancy a home tie against a premiership team to spice things up.
Talking of the premiership, those august institutions - the Premier League and the FA want our bollox on a plate as Tevezgate re-opens. And this is serious. I guess a lot will depend on Kia who has wormed his way into the Upton Park set up. I think he is going to extract a lot of secret promises that are going to keep him quiet and earning a pretty penny for a long time for any assistance he can offer the club in keeping the FA sweet (note to readers: “FA sweet” is different to “sweet FA”). I suspect we may get hit for a further fine but I don’t think there will be a points reduction and this will almost be the end of the affair. Whatever outcome, it will force the Sheffield United claim to be dealt with. Let’s hope that no one at the club, whatever the temptation, is stupid enough to take us on that kind of adventure again.
But what are the guarantees? The only possible safeguard is accountability and transparency and that means a complete ovehaul of how the club is working at the moment. You wonder how much they even tell the chirpy little man, Zola. Still what Zola is getting the players to do on the pitch means that we are happy to focus there, and the players are apparently unfazed by it, but it will be a nagging worry until it is sorted.
So a tough game today. Welcome back to old faces, and welcome to Roy Hodgson who has a funny face. I always think he looks like a character from an old British movie. a kind of ordinary Joe who plods away saying ‘all right guv” when you pass. Bless him. The returning refugees and outcasts will be desperate to do well, none more so than Bobby Zamora. I won’t be surprised of he nabs a goal but I think we can nick it. It’s a New Year, time for a prediction. I’ll go 7-2. I should get good odds on that. Only joking. But a mini-goal fest ending 3-2 wouldn’t surprise me. with Bellers and Cole on target again. And maybe Collision too.
So on a cold Sunday in January I’ll be in the Doc Martens Upper waiting for, and expecting, every goal, And as the Stranglers also said “I can think of a lot worse places to be like down on the streets or down in the sewer, or even on the end of a skewer”...or up before the FA?
Let’s put that to one side today and remember East is East and West is West. Let’s show that East is the best. And by the way Leon Trotsky was murdered in Mexico in 1940 by agents of Stalin, though his book “Fascism what it is and how to fight it” remains a classic, and Brian Dear, the last I heard was running a pub. COYI!!!
Saturday, 3 January 2009
The circus comes to town
OLAS 451 January 3rd 2009
People do have irrational fears. For some it’s spiders or earwigs. For others it’s facial hair or talking babies in films. Some people fear certain situations – like confined spaces or darkness. But one that I’ve always found it hard to get my head around is “Coulrophobia” – a fear of clowns. I love them but I know that not everyone does. And I’m well aware that one of the great voices of our times, Bart Simpson, famously said: “Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.”
After the Stoke game I feel I ought to issue a loud and clear warning to any coulrophobics out there to avoid Upton Park. The match was a 90-minute circus. End to end yes, but a circus nevertheless. Shambolic defending in both areas; promising moves breaking down by pathetically misplaced passes behind rather than in front of players; the referee sliding over; shots that would go anywhere but on target, Slowbear Faubert grinning inanely as he overlapped and even went round defenders only to plant his crosses somewhere in the upper stand; Carlton Cole at his profligate worst, then turning on a sixpence to plant a beautiful goal in the corner; and, of course, Stoke City’s unique contribution – players on the same team slapping and shoving each other (which the ref failed to see the funny side of). all they needed were some cakes to push in each other’s faces.
Clowns walk that tightrope and swing that trapeze between the extremes of happiness and sadness. Apparently this is the root cause of some of the fears about them. Their smile is not real but painted on (bet some of you didn’t know that) and you can only guess their “real” emotions. Well West Ham’s clowns confused and upset me a little bit against Stoke, and I don’t think I was the only one in the ground who, for most of the game, didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
At the final whistle though I was laughing like a drain. Three bizarre points popped into the bag. A player whose glittering international reputation was built on a series of spectacular strikes fell to his knees in joy after the ball bounced off him into the goal in the 88th minute. And suddenly we were back in the top half of the table. The news that Tottenham had lost 2-0 to the bottom club crowned the day. I laughed till the tears rolled down my legs.
Over the years I’ve become accustomed to West Ham, looking like a bunch of Christmas puds, struggling to pick up any points over the Christmas period, so 6 points from the two games this year is a real bonus and I’m pleased and relieved for Zola and Clarke. Even better, the points were gained at the expense of the right teams. It would have certainly been a wheeze to have won at Liverpool and Chelsea then drawn with Portsmouth and Stoke, but Liverpool and Chelsea are not our rivals in any meaningful sense, and it is much more useful to take points off the other teams struggling to pull clear of relegation worries.
So just over the halfway mark we find ourselves in 10th place, still only five points above the drop zone, but at the same time able to set our sights on dislodging the teams immediately above us – Fulham, Hull and Wigan – two of whom will visit Upton Park in January. Fulham are pulling off some impressive results, but player for player we should at least match them, and we won at Craven Cottage back in September. Hull are in a false position, still propelled by the adrenalin of promotion but running out of juice and they face a tough, tough second half of the season. Wigan are an enigma, a yo-yo side, capable of testing the best and struggling against the worst (bit like us really) but again we’ve already turned them over once this season.
The top six are established now and their mini-league is probably closed off to others for the rest of the campaign. Some people may be mildly interested who wins the title – I’m not, but I’d like to see Villa and Everton push the Arse into 6th place. Below them is one huge free-for-all where just 10 points separate 14 teams. And with the bottom team on 18 points at this stage, reaching 40 points may not prove enough to keep a team in the top flight. Every match from here on in, when any of these 14 teams face each other, is a relegation battle.
On the field, despite the dodgy win against Stoke, West Ham are definitely on an upward trajectory. Eleven points from the last seven games compares favourably with just two points from the previous seven. And with a bit of luck we might have got more. Unfortunately, it is off the field though that our fate will most likely be decided and here is where we might indulge in some collective coulrophobia – because who knows what stunts the clowns running this club of ours will pull next? Unlike cases of true coulrophobia, our fears are totally, totally rational.
If Gary’s source is accurate and every single player we possess is potentially up for sale during January, then all the efforts of the last few weeks to turn it around will come to nought. Our squad is lacking in quality, not blessed with an abundance of it, and letting go of any of our top players now for a quick buck would be suicidal.
The first indication of whether our fears are accurate will come today in the distraction of the F.A. Cup. If a couple of our star players are missing, don’t be fooled by the rationalisation that the Cup offers the chance to give some other squad players a run-out; and don’t believe any tales of players laid down low by flu or viruses. It’s bollox - because essentially it translates to: “These players are being transferred and the buyers refuse to meet the asking price if they are cup-tied.” Which is why I will be mighty relieved to see Bellend, Nobes and Greeny out there today, and why I suspect that at least one of them, possibly more, will mysteriously not appear.
Leaving my paranoia aside, a cup run would be a major boost during a difficult season. As Portsmouth showed last year, and we ourselves showed under Pardew, the cup can be a great leveller. Barnsley did well against top-flight sides last year and will be no pushovers. I’ve got a soft spot for Baaaaarnsleee – nothing to do with football though. It was the birthplace of great comedians like Harry Worth and Charlie Williams (ask your mum – she’ll remember them), singer/songwriter Kate Rusby and trade unionist/serial Thatcher-hater Arthur Scargill, which makes it a top location in my view.
Scargill may be a fanatical Leeds supporter and, yes, he did that annoying Bobby Charlton thing with his hair, but he knew what Thatcher was doing with the mines from day one. The mines have gone, and in many of the desolated villages left behind the only expanding industry today is selling heroin. Young empty lives lost to escapism from misery and unemployment while the demented old bat is still flitting about.
Now Charlie Williams was actually a professional footballer playing centre half for Doncaster Rovers before becoming a comedian. With great honesty he described his footballing prowess: “I was never a fancy player but I could stop them buggers that were.” He would have seen the irony last Sunday at Upton Park, where several comedians were masquerading as footballers. Let’s hope that today the emphasis is on serious fun and that we ensure a place in the fourth round draw. So here’s to a great 2009 where all our fears prove unfounded and our dreams don’t fade or die. See you at Wembley. COYI!!!
People do have irrational fears. For some it’s spiders or earwigs. For others it’s facial hair or talking babies in films. Some people fear certain situations – like confined spaces or darkness. But one that I’ve always found it hard to get my head around is “Coulrophobia” – a fear of clowns. I love them but I know that not everyone does. And I’m well aware that one of the great voices of our times, Bart Simpson, famously said: “Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.”
After the Stoke game I feel I ought to issue a loud and clear warning to any coulrophobics out there to avoid Upton Park. The match was a 90-minute circus. End to end yes, but a circus nevertheless. Shambolic defending in both areas; promising moves breaking down by pathetically misplaced passes behind rather than in front of players; the referee sliding over; shots that would go anywhere but on target, Slowbear Faubert grinning inanely as he overlapped and even went round defenders only to plant his crosses somewhere in the upper stand; Carlton Cole at his profligate worst, then turning on a sixpence to plant a beautiful goal in the corner; and, of course, Stoke City’s unique contribution – players on the same team slapping and shoving each other (which the ref failed to see the funny side of). all they needed were some cakes to push in each other’s faces.
Clowns walk that tightrope and swing that trapeze between the extremes of happiness and sadness. Apparently this is the root cause of some of the fears about them. Their smile is not real but painted on (bet some of you didn’t know that) and you can only guess their “real” emotions. Well West Ham’s clowns confused and upset me a little bit against Stoke, and I don’t think I was the only one in the ground who, for most of the game, didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
At the final whistle though I was laughing like a drain. Three bizarre points popped into the bag. A player whose glittering international reputation was built on a series of spectacular strikes fell to his knees in joy after the ball bounced off him into the goal in the 88th minute. And suddenly we were back in the top half of the table. The news that Tottenham had lost 2-0 to the bottom club crowned the day. I laughed till the tears rolled down my legs.
Over the years I’ve become accustomed to West Ham, looking like a bunch of Christmas puds, struggling to pick up any points over the Christmas period, so 6 points from the two games this year is a real bonus and I’m pleased and relieved for Zola and Clarke. Even better, the points were gained at the expense of the right teams. It would have certainly been a wheeze to have won at Liverpool and Chelsea then drawn with Portsmouth and Stoke, but Liverpool and Chelsea are not our rivals in any meaningful sense, and it is much more useful to take points off the other teams struggling to pull clear of relegation worries.
So just over the halfway mark we find ourselves in 10th place, still only five points above the drop zone, but at the same time able to set our sights on dislodging the teams immediately above us – Fulham, Hull and Wigan – two of whom will visit Upton Park in January. Fulham are pulling off some impressive results, but player for player we should at least match them, and we won at Craven Cottage back in September. Hull are in a false position, still propelled by the adrenalin of promotion but running out of juice and they face a tough, tough second half of the season. Wigan are an enigma, a yo-yo side, capable of testing the best and struggling against the worst (bit like us really) but again we’ve already turned them over once this season.
The top six are established now and their mini-league is probably closed off to others for the rest of the campaign. Some people may be mildly interested who wins the title – I’m not, but I’d like to see Villa and Everton push the Arse into 6th place. Below them is one huge free-for-all where just 10 points separate 14 teams. And with the bottom team on 18 points at this stage, reaching 40 points may not prove enough to keep a team in the top flight. Every match from here on in, when any of these 14 teams face each other, is a relegation battle.
On the field, despite the dodgy win against Stoke, West Ham are definitely on an upward trajectory. Eleven points from the last seven games compares favourably with just two points from the previous seven. And with a bit of luck we might have got more. Unfortunately, it is off the field though that our fate will most likely be decided and here is where we might indulge in some collective coulrophobia – because who knows what stunts the clowns running this club of ours will pull next? Unlike cases of true coulrophobia, our fears are totally, totally rational.
If Gary’s source is accurate and every single player we possess is potentially up for sale during January, then all the efforts of the last few weeks to turn it around will come to nought. Our squad is lacking in quality, not blessed with an abundance of it, and letting go of any of our top players now for a quick buck would be suicidal.
The first indication of whether our fears are accurate will come today in the distraction of the F.A. Cup. If a couple of our star players are missing, don’t be fooled by the rationalisation that the Cup offers the chance to give some other squad players a run-out; and don’t believe any tales of players laid down low by flu or viruses. It’s bollox - because essentially it translates to: “These players are being transferred and the buyers refuse to meet the asking price if they are cup-tied.” Which is why I will be mighty relieved to see Bellend, Nobes and Greeny out there today, and why I suspect that at least one of them, possibly more, will mysteriously not appear.
Leaving my paranoia aside, a cup run would be a major boost during a difficult season. As Portsmouth showed last year, and we ourselves showed under Pardew, the cup can be a great leveller. Barnsley did well against top-flight sides last year and will be no pushovers. I’ve got a soft spot for Baaaaarnsleee – nothing to do with football though. It was the birthplace of great comedians like Harry Worth and Charlie Williams (ask your mum – she’ll remember them), singer/songwriter Kate Rusby and trade unionist/serial Thatcher-hater Arthur Scargill, which makes it a top location in my view.
Scargill may be a fanatical Leeds supporter and, yes, he did that annoying Bobby Charlton thing with his hair, but he knew what Thatcher was doing with the mines from day one. The mines have gone, and in many of the desolated villages left behind the only expanding industry today is selling heroin. Young empty lives lost to escapism from misery and unemployment while the demented old bat is still flitting about.
Now Charlie Williams was actually a professional footballer playing centre half for Doncaster Rovers before becoming a comedian. With great honesty he described his footballing prowess: “I was never a fancy player but I could stop them buggers that were.” He would have seen the irony last Sunday at Upton Park, where several comedians were masquerading as footballers. Let’s hope that today the emphasis is on serious fun and that we ensure a place in the fourth round draw. So here’s to a great 2009 where all our fears prove unfounded and our dreams don’t fade or die. See you at Wembley. COYI!!!
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Carlton Pathetic
OLAS 550 December 28th 2008
“They fly so high, nearly reach the sky” – why the fuck can’t he head the ball downwards into an empty goal like every other centre forward?
I’ve tried to be understanding of Carlton Cole over the last couple of years but I’ve lost patience completely because his mistakes are costing us so dearly now. Against Liverpool late in the second half he had a simple ball to play across for Bellamy to tap in. Versus Chelsea he had a simple chance in the 2nd minute of injury time. There was no way Chelsea would have come back from that. Against Villa, apart from the header he ballooned over when it was easier to score, he wasted all of Bellamy’s great work when he got round the defence and pulled the ball back to the 6-yard line. Instead of nine points from those three games we have two. Instead of being comfortably in the top half we are hovering just above the drop zone with our feet almost touching it.
In the top half of the table, holding our own against the top clubs, playing good football on the ground, with a forward looking manager and coach combination, and some top youth players coming through, we would be the kind of team that players would want to join. Hovering above the drop zone, we will be shunned or ignored.
There‘s an old song from the depression years of the ‘20s and ‘30s that are looming again ominously: “No, nobody wants you, when you’re down and out. In your pocket not one penny, and your friends no, no, you ain’t got any…”
And that is how we will be going into the crucial January transfer window thanks principally to Carlton Cole. It’s not that I think he is incapable of improving – of course he can. But right now he needs to be out of the starting eleven. Zola needs to say to him - work every day to improve your game and try to win your place back by February. Ciao. In the meantime we’ll let Freddie Sears and Tristan have a proper go. They can’t do worse. And they may make Bellamy, who is currently playing magnificently, feel less frustrated and less likely to fuck off to Man City. Mind you if Bellend thinks he’ll be teaming up with Mark Hughes again by going there, I wouldn’t bank on it. It looks to me like Hughes’ days are numbered.
If anyone thinks players have a cap on their talent and can’t improve their game beyond a certain point, they should go and watch Fulham who have gained more points at Craven Cottage than we have at home or on the road combined. And listen for the names – Paintsil, Konchesky, Bullard and Zamora – any of them sound familiar? Every one on them has greatly improved on their contribution at Upton Park.
And if Carlton Cole feels lonely while his working to improve and he needs company let’s give him Lee Bowyer – another player who should not be on the pitch at the moment. Although I suppose I’d rather he fecked off altogether.
I know if I’m truly honest with myself, it’s not just to do with football. I don’t like or respect Bowyer as a person, don’t appreciate the things he has done in the past off the field, and don’t feel there was ever any meaningful contrition for his anti-social behaviour. But for today I’ll keep it purely on an objective footballing level. He is shit. He is a waste of space. He can’t sustain a challenge without pretending he is hurt, doesn’t track back , often passes poorly and gets caught out of position. And that’s just his good qualities…
I’ve been 100% behind Zola and Clarke but I do believe that if they persist in playing Cole ad Bowyer they will become complicit in keeping West ham near to the drop zone and far from the gaze of players who may want to make their mark in the Premier League.
We may think of West Ham as a shambolic set up riddled with debts, where no-one running the club can be believed in any utterance they make, due to make a substantial contribution soon to Sheffield United Cheats and Thieves Benevolent Fund, and gradually denuding itself of its best players for very short term financial relief. But there is another and more positive way of looking at the Club.
In Green, Upson, Collison, Behrami, Parker, Noble and Bellamy we have players that many other teams would be jealous of, and they could constitute the core of a very considerable team that blends experience with youth. We have immensely loyal supporters and a youth academy that still brings great young players into premier league football. If somebody who was serious about football took over, now that we are for sale, then an investment in four quality players would give us a team that could slug it out for a European place rather than perspiring to avoid the drop.
The likelihood of getting a footballing person rather than a shyster capitalist is pretty low but I haven’t given up hoping for that yet. Whatever happened to Tony Cottee and his mates? I just hope that whoever comes in will persist with Zola and Clarke even if it takes another two months to gain some distance from the drop zone because if they are allowed to carry on their revolution and are supported well they will ultimately bring both excitement and success to Upton Park.
A lot of what is good and positive about the Zola/Clarke combination was in evidence eon Saturday against Villa. We certainly had the better of the game and looked especially dangerous when we played passes over or around their defence for Bellamy to run onto. The work rate of all the players and running off the ball was tremendous, the defence looked tight and disciplined and the chances Villa did have were usually down to the odd mistake by our players. We tested their goalie on several occasions, and thoroughly deserved at least one, if not three points from the game. But we were carrying our 11th player – Cole – and could only replace Parker and Collison with fresh legs on the bodies of less skilled, combative and creative players (Mullins and Bowyer). That is ultimately why we failed. The teams that are succeeding in pulling results out when they seem unlikely are those who can introduce quality and contrast from the bench. We struggle to do this with our current squad.
And so to Stoke, who have acquitted themselves fairly well as a newly promoted team, pulling off some good results. I’ve no complaints about them beating the Arse 2-0. This is a must-win and it would be nice to do it with some style. Though Hammers with a sense of history will remember the perils of going 3-0 up against Stoke. They once did us 4-3 from that situation. I wasn’t there that day but I was the year after when we again stormed into three-goal lead, but they pulled three back in the second half then hit the bar with the last kick of the game by Harry Burrows (sounds more like a private eye than a footballer). So if you follow this historical/hysterical warning, the most important thing is to get the fourth goal! Any volunteers? Actually any volunteers to get the first goal would be welcome.
Sorry if this post has been uncharacteristically serious – it just reflects my frustrations about the current situation and I know I’m not alone. But I’ll finish with a joke:
Two snails mug a tortoise. Afterwards, the cops ask him if he could describe his attackers. “Not really,” says the Tortoise, “it all happened so fast...” (Couldn’t have been Bowyer or Cole then.)
“They fly so high, nearly reach the sky” – why the fuck can’t he head the ball downwards into an empty goal like every other centre forward?
I’ve tried to be understanding of Carlton Cole over the last couple of years but I’ve lost patience completely because his mistakes are costing us so dearly now. Against Liverpool late in the second half he had a simple ball to play across for Bellamy to tap in. Versus Chelsea he had a simple chance in the 2nd minute of injury time. There was no way Chelsea would have come back from that. Against Villa, apart from the header he ballooned over when it was easier to score, he wasted all of Bellamy’s great work when he got round the defence and pulled the ball back to the 6-yard line. Instead of nine points from those three games we have two. Instead of being comfortably in the top half we are hovering just above the drop zone with our feet almost touching it.
In the top half of the table, holding our own against the top clubs, playing good football on the ground, with a forward looking manager and coach combination, and some top youth players coming through, we would be the kind of team that players would want to join. Hovering above the drop zone, we will be shunned or ignored.
There‘s an old song from the depression years of the ‘20s and ‘30s that are looming again ominously: “No, nobody wants you, when you’re down and out. In your pocket not one penny, and your friends no, no, you ain’t got any…”
And that is how we will be going into the crucial January transfer window thanks principally to Carlton Cole. It’s not that I think he is incapable of improving – of course he can. But right now he needs to be out of the starting eleven. Zola needs to say to him - work every day to improve your game and try to win your place back by February. Ciao. In the meantime we’ll let Freddie Sears and Tristan have a proper go. They can’t do worse. And they may make Bellamy, who is currently playing magnificently, feel less frustrated and less likely to fuck off to Man City. Mind you if Bellend thinks he’ll be teaming up with Mark Hughes again by going there, I wouldn’t bank on it. It looks to me like Hughes’ days are numbered.
If anyone thinks players have a cap on their talent and can’t improve their game beyond a certain point, they should go and watch Fulham who have gained more points at Craven Cottage than we have at home or on the road combined. And listen for the names – Paintsil, Konchesky, Bullard and Zamora – any of them sound familiar? Every one on them has greatly improved on their contribution at Upton Park.
And if Carlton Cole feels lonely while his working to improve and he needs company let’s give him Lee Bowyer – another player who should not be on the pitch at the moment. Although I suppose I’d rather he fecked off altogether.
I know if I’m truly honest with myself, it’s not just to do with football. I don’t like or respect Bowyer as a person, don’t appreciate the things he has done in the past off the field, and don’t feel there was ever any meaningful contrition for his anti-social behaviour. But for today I’ll keep it purely on an objective footballing level. He is shit. He is a waste of space. He can’t sustain a challenge without pretending he is hurt, doesn’t track back , often passes poorly and gets caught out of position. And that’s just his good qualities…
I’ve been 100% behind Zola and Clarke but I do believe that if they persist in playing Cole ad Bowyer they will become complicit in keeping West ham near to the drop zone and far from the gaze of players who may want to make their mark in the Premier League.
We may think of West Ham as a shambolic set up riddled with debts, where no-one running the club can be believed in any utterance they make, due to make a substantial contribution soon to Sheffield United Cheats and Thieves Benevolent Fund, and gradually denuding itself of its best players for very short term financial relief. But there is another and more positive way of looking at the Club.
In Green, Upson, Collison, Behrami, Parker, Noble and Bellamy we have players that many other teams would be jealous of, and they could constitute the core of a very considerable team that blends experience with youth. We have immensely loyal supporters and a youth academy that still brings great young players into premier league football. If somebody who was serious about football took over, now that we are for sale, then an investment in four quality players would give us a team that could slug it out for a European place rather than perspiring to avoid the drop.
The likelihood of getting a footballing person rather than a shyster capitalist is pretty low but I haven’t given up hoping for that yet. Whatever happened to Tony Cottee and his mates? I just hope that whoever comes in will persist with Zola and Clarke even if it takes another two months to gain some distance from the drop zone because if they are allowed to carry on their revolution and are supported well they will ultimately bring both excitement and success to Upton Park.
A lot of what is good and positive about the Zola/Clarke combination was in evidence eon Saturday against Villa. We certainly had the better of the game and looked especially dangerous when we played passes over or around their defence for Bellamy to run onto. The work rate of all the players and running off the ball was tremendous, the defence looked tight and disciplined and the chances Villa did have were usually down to the odd mistake by our players. We tested their goalie on several occasions, and thoroughly deserved at least one, if not three points from the game. But we were carrying our 11th player – Cole – and could only replace Parker and Collison with fresh legs on the bodies of less skilled, combative and creative players (Mullins and Bowyer). That is ultimately why we failed. The teams that are succeeding in pulling results out when they seem unlikely are those who can introduce quality and contrast from the bench. We struggle to do this with our current squad.
And so to Stoke, who have acquitted themselves fairly well as a newly promoted team, pulling off some good results. I’ve no complaints about them beating the Arse 2-0. This is a must-win and it would be nice to do it with some style. Though Hammers with a sense of history will remember the perils of going 3-0 up against Stoke. They once did us 4-3 from that situation. I wasn’t there that day but I was the year after when we again stormed into three-goal lead, but they pulled three back in the second half then hit the bar with the last kick of the game by Harry Burrows (sounds more like a private eye than a footballer). So if you follow this historical/hysterical warning, the most important thing is to get the fourth goal! Any volunteers? Actually any volunteers to get the first goal would be welcome.
Sorry if this post has been uncharacteristically serious – it just reflects my frustrations about the current situation and I know I’m not alone. But I’ll finish with a joke:
Two snails mug a tortoise. Afterwards, the cops ask him if he could describe his attackers. “Not really,” says the Tortoise, “it all happened so fast...” (Couldn’t have been Bowyer or Cole then.)
Monday, 22 December 2008
Dreams of 0-0
OLAS No 449 December 20th 2008
In the last two years I have been invited to run some sessions on History teaching for trainee primary teachers on a course at London Metropolitan University. It is challenging and rewarding work, and it also means that I get invited to the departmental Christmas lunch. At the lunch last week in a posh French restaurant I sat chatting to a serious academic. One minute we were discussing theories of knowledge; the next we were lamenting the recent sad demise of Oliver Postgate, who dreamt up and made possible the ever-reliable and comforting, “Ivor the Engine”, the always entertaining, “Bagpuss” and the whacky but formidable “Clangers”. My academic friend expressed everyone’s feeling around the table when he said that “Ivor the Engine” was truly excellent but, he then confided in me, “I didn’t get Clangers. I just didn’t get it.”
As the Chelsea - West Ham match unfolded I had an inkling of what he meant and how he felt. Having watched West Ham for the last 42 years I still don’t understand them. The night of the debacle against Spurs I went to bed feeling frustrated and low, slipped into a deep sleep and dreamt about West Ham playing Chelsea. My brain played tricks on me and I woke up happy believing that we had scraped an unlikely draw (0-0). Then I realised it was only Tuesday. There have been times when I’ve cashed my football dreams in on correct score bets, but I’ve had a few duff ones too, and some nights I don’t dream about footie at all, so I’ve learned not to trust my dreams. And, besides, what kind of a person dreams of watching 0-0 draws? All right, apart from Alan Curbishley, George Graham or Alistair Darling, what kind of ...
After ‘orrible October our mini revival brought very welcome points against Portsmouth, Sunderland and Liverpool. But what worried me though, was how poor our forward line was in each of these games. Against the Spuds we hit rock bottom – and it was back to the drawing board. To be honest, even if we had beaten Spurs we would have still feared an away match at Chelsea. I was there when Paulo di Canio masterminded our last victory at Stamford Bridge but since then it has been back to back defeats. A case of “Welcome, Hammers, how many would you like to lose by today? Would you like us to score first half goals or all in the second? That’s fine. Thank you for being so obliging.”
Last Sunday I sat in the pub before the game, staring at the screen as they showed the line-ups and, to be honest, their subs bench frightened me almost as much as the 11 we would start against. Zola obviously felt similarly. Ten minutes into the game still looked essentially like a frightened rabbit.
I felt reduced to considering what kind of defeat would leave us with some hope in our game against a free-scoring and very competent and confident Villa side? I concluded that a one-goal defeat with us scoring would be best, so my sights were set on losing 2-1 or 3-2 and claiming that as some kind of moral victory.
On that basis our result was stupendous. And, like at Anfield, it could have been more. Carlton Cole made a great opportunity for himself in injury time when Behrami put him through and he shook off his marker. He had several options of how to finish but almost inevitably chose the wrong one. Even Iain Dowie might have put that one away. Well, maybe not.
Carlton Cole featured prominently on various West Ham forums on Sunday night. The full spectrum of opinions were voiced from hero to villain, 90- minute menace to totally useless spare part. The way I look at him is that he gives away far too many free kicks, he is slow, he wins the ball in the air but can’t direct his headers, doesn’t do a lot of tracking back, his first touch is often woeful but he’s got a nice smile. It is not enough really. Nelson Mandela’s got a nice smile but you wouldn’t want him playing up front for West Ham. (Winnie Mandela maybe.)
Zola evidently feels that Carlton Cole is a project worth pursuing and has given him a spanking new five year contract. Many of us voiced similar doubts about Bobby Zamora. We let him go and now he’s doing pretty well for a team that currently sits six places above us in the table.
Maybe the style we need to adopt for away games requires the large holding front player. But when it comes to home games, and with Villa next up, I would prefer to see Cole on the bench and the far more skilful Freddie Sears taking his place.
Sears scores goals for fun in the reserves and will only need one or two premiership goals to set him off at that level. He is quick thinking and direct, though somewhat diminutive. Against Everton a few weeks back, his pairing with Bellamy looked very promising. As for Bellamy – the guy is a complete head case who looks like he hasn’t quite evolved, but he’s powerful and talented and with great determination. He fully deserved his goal at Chelsea, well set up by Nobes, and took it with a coolness and calmness that seemed to contradict his personality. You can’t tell a book by its cover. Oh, yes you can actually, Vinnie Jones.
But what really made the difference against Chelsea was the midfield. We’ve been hunting a ball winner with great distribution. On Sunday we actually had three of them in Nobes, Collison and Scotty Parker. Meanwhile Behrami (my Hammer of the Year to date just ahead of Greenie) is fast becoming the creative one, starting to thread through those killer passes to the front men and also ghosting into good scoring positions himself, in a manner reminiscent of Martin Peters..
The glaring deficiency though is any strength in depth and if one or two players get injured we are fucked. Let’s hope that some serious long-term thinking is in place for the January transfer window.
Well, I tell my teacher trainee students that in History the facts are less important than he interpretation. When the demon Thatcher got elected is less important than why the demon Thatcher got elected. Of course you need to know what has happened but the key to understanding is asking the right questions and providing a plausible interpretation.
The facts show that we were undefeated at Anfield or Stamford Bridge, that we’ve picked up 6 points form our last five games, but we have only scored two goals in those five matches. My interpretation is that digging six points out of every 5 matches from here to the end of the season, will keep us in the premiership – but only just. Our current weakness is our inability to score, or even be remotely threatening in the penalty area for large chunks of games. How hard have opposing goalies had to work in those 5 games to keep us out, compared with how hard Greenie has had to work to keep out our opponents?
Our visitors today are a good role model. Fast, direct, free scoring, entertaining and with excellent team spirit. They are truly a credit to the claret and blue. If we see Marlene and Reo-Joker today we should give them respect. They are doing the business for Villa.
Their last five league games have brought Villa three wins, two draws and nine goals. We have to have a go at them, unsettle and intimidate them from the first minute to the last. Playing for a 0-0 against a free-scoring confident team like Villa will be disastrous. We would be like the Clangers – just whistling in the wind.
In the last two years I have been invited to run some sessions on History teaching for trainee primary teachers on a course at London Metropolitan University. It is challenging and rewarding work, and it also means that I get invited to the departmental Christmas lunch. At the lunch last week in a posh French restaurant I sat chatting to a serious academic. One minute we were discussing theories of knowledge; the next we were lamenting the recent sad demise of Oliver Postgate, who dreamt up and made possible the ever-reliable and comforting, “Ivor the Engine”, the always entertaining, “Bagpuss” and the whacky but formidable “Clangers”. My academic friend expressed everyone’s feeling around the table when he said that “Ivor the Engine” was truly excellent but, he then confided in me, “I didn’t get Clangers. I just didn’t get it.”
As the Chelsea - West Ham match unfolded I had an inkling of what he meant and how he felt. Having watched West Ham for the last 42 years I still don’t understand them. The night of the debacle against Spurs I went to bed feeling frustrated and low, slipped into a deep sleep and dreamt about West Ham playing Chelsea. My brain played tricks on me and I woke up happy believing that we had scraped an unlikely draw (0-0). Then I realised it was only Tuesday. There have been times when I’ve cashed my football dreams in on correct score bets, but I’ve had a few duff ones too, and some nights I don’t dream about footie at all, so I’ve learned not to trust my dreams. And, besides, what kind of a person dreams of watching 0-0 draws? All right, apart from Alan Curbishley, George Graham or Alistair Darling, what kind of ...
After ‘orrible October our mini revival brought very welcome points against Portsmouth, Sunderland and Liverpool. But what worried me though, was how poor our forward line was in each of these games. Against the Spuds we hit rock bottom – and it was back to the drawing board. To be honest, even if we had beaten Spurs we would have still feared an away match at Chelsea. I was there when Paulo di Canio masterminded our last victory at Stamford Bridge but since then it has been back to back defeats. A case of “Welcome, Hammers, how many would you like to lose by today? Would you like us to score first half goals or all in the second? That’s fine. Thank you for being so obliging.”
Last Sunday I sat in the pub before the game, staring at the screen as they showed the line-ups and, to be honest, their subs bench frightened me almost as much as the 11 we would start against. Zola obviously felt similarly. Ten minutes into the game still looked essentially like a frightened rabbit.
I felt reduced to considering what kind of defeat would leave us with some hope in our game against a free-scoring and very competent and confident Villa side? I concluded that a one-goal defeat with us scoring would be best, so my sights were set on losing 2-1 or 3-2 and claiming that as some kind of moral victory.
On that basis our result was stupendous. And, like at Anfield, it could have been more. Carlton Cole made a great opportunity for himself in injury time when Behrami put him through and he shook off his marker. He had several options of how to finish but almost inevitably chose the wrong one. Even Iain Dowie might have put that one away. Well, maybe not.
Carlton Cole featured prominently on various West Ham forums on Sunday night. The full spectrum of opinions were voiced from hero to villain, 90- minute menace to totally useless spare part. The way I look at him is that he gives away far too many free kicks, he is slow, he wins the ball in the air but can’t direct his headers, doesn’t do a lot of tracking back, his first touch is often woeful but he’s got a nice smile. It is not enough really. Nelson Mandela’s got a nice smile but you wouldn’t want him playing up front for West Ham. (Winnie Mandela maybe.)
Zola evidently feels that Carlton Cole is a project worth pursuing and has given him a spanking new five year contract. Many of us voiced similar doubts about Bobby Zamora. We let him go and now he’s doing pretty well for a team that currently sits six places above us in the table.
Maybe the style we need to adopt for away games requires the large holding front player. But when it comes to home games, and with Villa next up, I would prefer to see Cole on the bench and the far more skilful Freddie Sears taking his place.
Sears scores goals for fun in the reserves and will only need one or two premiership goals to set him off at that level. He is quick thinking and direct, though somewhat diminutive. Against Everton a few weeks back, his pairing with Bellamy looked very promising. As for Bellamy – the guy is a complete head case who looks like he hasn’t quite evolved, but he’s powerful and talented and with great determination. He fully deserved his goal at Chelsea, well set up by Nobes, and took it with a coolness and calmness that seemed to contradict his personality. You can’t tell a book by its cover. Oh, yes you can actually, Vinnie Jones.
But what really made the difference against Chelsea was the midfield. We’ve been hunting a ball winner with great distribution. On Sunday we actually had three of them in Nobes, Collison and Scotty Parker. Meanwhile Behrami (my Hammer of the Year to date just ahead of Greenie) is fast becoming the creative one, starting to thread through those killer passes to the front men and also ghosting into good scoring positions himself, in a manner reminiscent of Martin Peters..
The glaring deficiency though is any strength in depth and if one or two players get injured we are fucked. Let’s hope that some serious long-term thinking is in place for the January transfer window.
Well, I tell my teacher trainee students that in History the facts are less important than he interpretation. When the demon Thatcher got elected is less important than why the demon Thatcher got elected. Of course you need to know what has happened but the key to understanding is asking the right questions and providing a plausible interpretation.
The facts show that we were undefeated at Anfield or Stamford Bridge, that we’ve picked up 6 points form our last five games, but we have only scored two goals in those five matches. My interpretation is that digging six points out of every 5 matches from here to the end of the season, will keep us in the premiership – but only just. Our current weakness is our inability to score, or even be remotely threatening in the penalty area for large chunks of games. How hard have opposing goalies had to work in those 5 games to keep us out, compared with how hard Greenie has had to work to keep out our opponents?
Our visitors today are a good role model. Fast, direct, free scoring, entertaining and with excellent team spirit. They are truly a credit to the claret and blue. If we see Marlene and Reo-Joker today we should give them respect. They are doing the business for Villa.
Their last five league games have brought Villa three wins, two draws and nine goals. We have to have a go at them, unsettle and intimidate them from the first minute to the last. Playing for a 0-0 against a free-scoring confident team like Villa will be disastrous. We would be like the Clangers – just whistling in the wind.
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Beyond Enfield
OLAS 448 8 December 2008
When a game ends 0-0 there is usually not much to write about. So with two of our last three games ending 0-0 that either doubles or halves how little there is to write or not write about it. I never was that good at maths. As the song goes from Porgy and Bess, we “got plenty of nothing”. Only a 0-0 at Anfield is a little bit more intriguing than any old goalless draw, and certainly more intriguing than a 0-0 at Enfield. Full credit to the team for a very organised display, crucial saves as usual from Greenie, and thanks, too, to Steven Gerrard, who unlike King Midas turned everything he touched into crap. We could have passed the ball to him all night – well, we did actually – and he blew every opportunity. Pity he was more accurate at Cardiff the other year in the 90 millionth minute.
And it might have been even better at Anfield (shit – I can’t write that now without thinking of Enfield). We had four or five good chances ourselves. The post and the side netting took two of them from us the others we wasted all by ourselves. And so the long wait for our first win at Anfield since 1963 continues for another year. I had the opportunity to preview the game for the Observer and have to eat some of my words now, along with some humble pie. “Liverpool will be too strong” I opined. Not at all. This was a pretty tepid display from the league leaders as they ran out of ideas and wasted most of their shooting opportunities. I did add, though, that “we would take the game to them in the spirit of ‘63”. And we did after a fashion, carving out some good chances while spending most of the game in our own half. We played the ball out of defence confidently, made some good interchange of passes in midfield but lacked any bite up front. Carlton Cole’s crucial contribution was clearing off the line after a Liverpool corner. At the other end he was hopeless and looked way out of his depth.
When we won in ‘63, our goal scorers were two players bound for glory – Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters - but the programme for the next game recalled the outstanding debut of a young centre half called Dave Bickles. I saw him play a couple of times. And while Hurst and Peters (and Bobby Moore) went on to lift the World cup, Bickles played around 30 times for West Ham, transferred to Crystal Palace, then hung up his boots early to become a PE teacher.
I don’t have much time for PE teachers myself, having endured several incredibly stupid and irritating examples of the genre, but I have sympathy for Bickles because he died young – in his 50s. My PE teacher at primary school – Miss Gilbert – was a complete monster, though she also suffered, and the last I heard had multiple sclerosis. At secondary school we had two PE teachers. One used to be a footballer – for Darlington, if that counts. He was just one of those Great Northern Bastards. If you took a moment to stand with your hand on your hips (instead of having your knuckles scraping the floor) he’d bellow your name followed by: “Where’s your ‘andbag, ladddie?”. He was called Noel Martin and saw himself as a bit of a wordsmith. I remember his rationalisations for people like me who, in those days, had long hair and needed to trim it. “Don’t permit your hair to grow long laddie,” he explained “it impedes your peripheral vision.”
These days my peripheral vision is just dandy.
Our other PE teacher Martin Jenkinson, was the total opposite of an intellectual. He used to pick on my Polish friend Marek who was less than enthusiastic about PE. Once he fired off that oh so reasonable question at Marek: “You lad, where are your family from?”
“Poland”, Marek Replied
“Didn’t we fight your lot in the war?” – Well, Marek just laughed. And the answer is no, Mr Jenkinson.
Still it could have been worse. My friend Mike grew up in several countries as his dad’s engineering job took him from place to place. He spent some of his childhood years in Spain under Franco’s regime. At that time every school was obliged to have at least one member of staff who was a paid up member of the Fascist Party. In Mike’s school it was the PE teacher. Life is full of surprises. Imagine if every school here had to have some gruesome, loathsome half-wit from the BNP on their staff. Apparently, after the leaking of a certain list, it seems that a few do.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned PE teachers are right down there with the scum of the earth, alongside estate agents, hedge fund speculators, OFSTED inspectors, and other useless or parasitical creatures.
Now talking of the scum of the earth I reckon old Harry will find he’s gone from Hero to Zero when he steps out there tonight with his (ho, ho) “boyhood team”. Lots of fans reckon he’s really done the dirty by taking charge at Spurs and are baying for his blood. Me – I still like him really. I can’t just turn off the memories, like a tap, of the good times we had when he was here, when he brought exciting players like Paulo Futre and Paulo di Canio; when he groomed Joe Cole and Michael Carrick for stardom, when he threw a plate of sandwiches at our hapless defenders (they probably didn’t even stop that). So, Harry, you are a mercenary bastard who has sold his soul to the devil but you are still up there among my heroes.
Spurs came unstuck against Everton last week but their general trajectory under Harry is upwards and they will be tough opposition. Our model for approaching this game ought to be the first 75 minutes we played against Everton when we were sharp and creative, playing at pace, getting to the by-line and putting chances on a plate for our strikers. And our strikers against Everton were Bellamy and Sears – no Cole. I want to see him and Tristan on the bench ready to come on to add a little height and weight to the attack if necessary in the final 20 minutes, but let’s start with our vertically challenged duo.
Midfield is a more difficult one to call now that Nobes is fit again. Behrami and Parker have been outstanding in the last three games, but Mullins has also looked really solid. Collison deserves to be in the mix too after his performance against Everton. And we could do with Mattie - motivated to perform against his old club - to give us width.
Behrami may have missed a chance against Sunderland that my friend’s half-blind, zimmer-framed granny would have scored, but he has been our star performer this year and is proving to be really versatile. I wonder if he is our captain in the making . Lucas Neill’s commitment might not stretch to signing a contract on less incredibly and unjustifiably lucrative terms. Like Harry, Lucas is another mercenary bastard, but playing rather well at the moment in a very solid and settled back four.
if we can keep our back four free from injury and resist the poachers for Robert Green in January we will continue to be hard to beat but with the league so tight we are not going to guarantee our safety by drawing 0-0 too often. I’ll take that score against the big guns, but when we are playing everyone else we need to be winning and, sometimes, even winning handsomely. That is why we need to bring in, on loan if necessary, a creative midfielder in the Benayoun/Berkovic mould and a quick witted and powerful goal scorer during January. if one of these is someone who can take corners or free kicks, that would do us no harm either.
A fully fit Keiron Dyer is going to take time to readjust to the demands of the premier league and, even then, he will always be a disaster waiting to happen. And I doubt if we’ll see Deano back until the final few weeks.
So if anyone on the official website promises their return and says “It will be like having two new players”, we’ve got to say “Bollox, it is. These two would be hard pressed to walk round Beckton Asda doing their shopping without getting injured again.” (Though maybe that should be on their training schedule – Steve Clarke take note).
If they both come back in the new year and stay free from injury until the end of the season I’ll eat some more words and humble pie. But what is absolutely clear is that we can’t wait until next season to see the best from Dyer and Ashton because they’ll be doing it against the likes of Blackpool, QPR and Sheffield Wednesday instead of against Man U, Chelsea and Liverpool.
Enjoy the game tonight – time for us to remind Harry why East London is wonderful. COYI !!!
When a game ends 0-0 there is usually not much to write about. So with two of our last three games ending 0-0 that either doubles or halves how little there is to write or not write about it. I never was that good at maths. As the song goes from Porgy and Bess, we “got plenty of nothing”. Only a 0-0 at Anfield is a little bit more intriguing than any old goalless draw, and certainly more intriguing than a 0-0 at Enfield. Full credit to the team for a very organised display, crucial saves as usual from Greenie, and thanks, too, to Steven Gerrard, who unlike King Midas turned everything he touched into crap. We could have passed the ball to him all night – well, we did actually – and he blew every opportunity. Pity he was more accurate at Cardiff the other year in the 90 millionth minute.
And it might have been even better at Anfield (shit – I can’t write that now without thinking of Enfield). We had four or five good chances ourselves. The post and the side netting took two of them from us the others we wasted all by ourselves. And so the long wait for our first win at Anfield since 1963 continues for another year. I had the opportunity to preview the game for the Observer and have to eat some of my words now, along with some humble pie. “Liverpool will be too strong” I opined. Not at all. This was a pretty tepid display from the league leaders as they ran out of ideas and wasted most of their shooting opportunities. I did add, though, that “we would take the game to them in the spirit of ‘63”. And we did after a fashion, carving out some good chances while spending most of the game in our own half. We played the ball out of defence confidently, made some good interchange of passes in midfield but lacked any bite up front. Carlton Cole’s crucial contribution was clearing off the line after a Liverpool corner. At the other end he was hopeless and looked way out of his depth.
When we won in ‘63, our goal scorers were two players bound for glory – Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters - but the programme for the next game recalled the outstanding debut of a young centre half called Dave Bickles. I saw him play a couple of times. And while Hurst and Peters (and Bobby Moore) went on to lift the World cup, Bickles played around 30 times for West Ham, transferred to Crystal Palace, then hung up his boots early to become a PE teacher.
I don’t have much time for PE teachers myself, having endured several incredibly stupid and irritating examples of the genre, but I have sympathy for Bickles because he died young – in his 50s. My PE teacher at primary school – Miss Gilbert – was a complete monster, though she also suffered, and the last I heard had multiple sclerosis. At secondary school we had two PE teachers. One used to be a footballer – for Darlington, if that counts. He was just one of those Great Northern Bastards. If you took a moment to stand with your hand on your hips (instead of having your knuckles scraping the floor) he’d bellow your name followed by: “Where’s your ‘andbag, ladddie?”. He was called Noel Martin and saw himself as a bit of a wordsmith. I remember his rationalisations for people like me who, in those days, had long hair and needed to trim it. “Don’t permit your hair to grow long laddie,” he explained “it impedes your peripheral vision.”
These days my peripheral vision is just dandy.
Our other PE teacher Martin Jenkinson, was the total opposite of an intellectual. He used to pick on my Polish friend Marek who was less than enthusiastic about PE. Once he fired off that oh so reasonable question at Marek: “You lad, where are your family from?”
“Poland”, Marek Replied
“Didn’t we fight your lot in the war?” – Well, Marek just laughed. And the answer is no, Mr Jenkinson.
Still it could have been worse. My friend Mike grew up in several countries as his dad’s engineering job took him from place to place. He spent some of his childhood years in Spain under Franco’s regime. At that time every school was obliged to have at least one member of staff who was a paid up member of the Fascist Party. In Mike’s school it was the PE teacher. Life is full of surprises. Imagine if every school here had to have some gruesome, loathsome half-wit from the BNP on their staff. Apparently, after the leaking of a certain list, it seems that a few do.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned PE teachers are right down there with the scum of the earth, alongside estate agents, hedge fund speculators, OFSTED inspectors, and other useless or parasitical creatures.
Now talking of the scum of the earth I reckon old Harry will find he’s gone from Hero to Zero when he steps out there tonight with his (ho, ho) “boyhood team”. Lots of fans reckon he’s really done the dirty by taking charge at Spurs and are baying for his blood. Me – I still like him really. I can’t just turn off the memories, like a tap, of the good times we had when he was here, when he brought exciting players like Paulo Futre and Paulo di Canio; when he groomed Joe Cole and Michael Carrick for stardom, when he threw a plate of sandwiches at our hapless defenders (they probably didn’t even stop that). So, Harry, you are a mercenary bastard who has sold his soul to the devil but you are still up there among my heroes.
Spurs came unstuck against Everton last week but their general trajectory under Harry is upwards and they will be tough opposition. Our model for approaching this game ought to be the first 75 minutes we played against Everton when we were sharp and creative, playing at pace, getting to the by-line and putting chances on a plate for our strikers. And our strikers against Everton were Bellamy and Sears – no Cole. I want to see him and Tristan on the bench ready to come on to add a little height and weight to the attack if necessary in the final 20 minutes, but let’s start with our vertically challenged duo.
Midfield is a more difficult one to call now that Nobes is fit again. Behrami and Parker have been outstanding in the last three games, but Mullins has also looked really solid. Collison deserves to be in the mix too after his performance against Everton. And we could do with Mattie - motivated to perform against his old club - to give us width.
Behrami may have missed a chance against Sunderland that my friend’s half-blind, zimmer-framed granny would have scored, but he has been our star performer this year and is proving to be really versatile. I wonder if he is our captain in the making . Lucas Neill’s commitment might not stretch to signing a contract on less incredibly and unjustifiably lucrative terms. Like Harry, Lucas is another mercenary bastard, but playing rather well at the moment in a very solid and settled back four.
if we can keep our back four free from injury and resist the poachers for Robert Green in January we will continue to be hard to beat but with the league so tight we are not going to guarantee our safety by drawing 0-0 too often. I’ll take that score against the big guns, but when we are playing everyone else we need to be winning and, sometimes, even winning handsomely. That is why we need to bring in, on loan if necessary, a creative midfielder in the Benayoun/Berkovic mould and a quick witted and powerful goal scorer during January. if one of these is someone who can take corners or free kicks, that would do us no harm either.
A fully fit Keiron Dyer is going to take time to readjust to the demands of the premier league and, even then, he will always be a disaster waiting to happen. And I doubt if we’ll see Deano back until the final few weeks.
So if anyone on the official website promises their return and says “It will be like having two new players”, we’ve got to say “Bollox, it is. These two would be hard pressed to walk round Beckton Asda doing their shopping without getting injured again.” (Though maybe that should be on their training schedule – Steve Clarke take note).
If they both come back in the new year and stay free from injury until the end of the season I’ll eat some more words and humble pie. But what is absolutely clear is that we can’t wait until next season to see the best from Dyer and Ashton because they’ll be doing it against the likes of Blackpool, QPR and Sheffield Wednesday instead of against Man U, Chelsea and Liverpool.
Enjoy the game tonight – time for us to remind Harry why East London is wonderful. COYI !!!
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