No more heartache

OLAS 485 May 9th 2010

You're not to come and see us no more,
Keep away from our door,
Don't come 'round here no more…
How can you show your face,
When you're a disgrace to the human race?
No commitment, you're an embarrassment
(Madness, 1980)

Thank God it’s over today. I’ve never felt more embarrassed and distressed to be a Hammers fan than this season. “Disgrace to the human race” is probably putting it lightly. There’s only so much heartache and disappointment you can take, after all the promise Zola and the players showed last year. This year we showed nothing – no shape, no ideas, no motivation, no spark, no togetherness as a team, no self-respect, let alone any respect for the customers who part with their hard-earned cash to follow them every game. I have to count myself lucky I only go to the home games. I can’t imagine how diddled and deflated those fans must feel who travel the length and breadth of the country given the lame performances on the road every other week, except the very first game of the season when we managed to beat an enthusiastic but poor newly promoted team.

I saw just four games this year when I went home smiling and thinking: “That was a team I’m proud to support. That is a team that deserves reward for its efforts and skill”. And the brutal fact that we got only seven points out of twelve from those four excellent performances says so much about how we have struggled to achieve anything at all this year. I probably don’t have to tell you which games they were. You were there. But if you weren’t, I’m talking about our wins against Villa and Brum, our draw against Chelski and our narrow 3-2 defeat by Liverpool.

In every one of those games you saw West Ham playing with fire in their bellies, running for each other, using skill and technique and pace, using the width of the pitch, being creative, tackling with tenacity, driving ourselves forward and defending with bravery and alertness.

What we saw in the other 15 home games, let alone what some of you saw on the road, was a pile of shite – even the other games where we ended up winning. We deserved to go down, and Hull and Burnley must be kicking themselves that they didn’t take more advantage of how useless we were to muster enough points to finish ahead of us.

To say I’ve been disappointed with Zola and Clarke is a drastic understatement. In all the years of ups and downs at Upton Park, we’ve always been able to appreciate the skills on display the excitement of new players coming through, and the commitment to playing open attacking football. Even in those seasons when we struggled you never felt we were out of our depth in the premier league. And what’s more, with teamwork and commitment we would sometimes pull off surprising results against the teams with mega-bucks. These days we capitulate to them before a ball is kicked and run scared of most teams in the top half. Sickening.

It was because of the West Ham diet we’ve enjoyed over so many seasons that boring, boring, Curbishley was so hard to stomach. Zola was a breath of fresh air. Of course he will be gone after today – it’s only the details of his departure that need to be worked out – whether he is able to walk with dignity and any kind of cash settlement or whether Sullivan publicly pours more crap on him from a great height to make him walk with out a pay-off.

Zola knows he has failed abysmally this year after restoring us our pride and dignity last year. Having admired him as a player, and finding his attitude to life and personal values more than attractive, I have desperately wanted him to succeed. But I have to acknowledge he has been found wanting. And whatever the extraordinary levels of chaos, confusion, profligacy, lying, back-stabbing, front-stabbing, at boardroom level that has characterised our once universally-admired club, there are still no excuses ultimately for his tactical failures.

He has insisted on showing faith with useless players when there have been good alternatives, despite an appalling injury list. He has failed to motivate the players, to inject desire to succeed and to give something back to the fans. He has displayed a total lack of ideas of how to attempt to change things around when games are not going our way and has proved unable to foster a genuine and consistent team spirit. Without doubt the same charges have to levelled against Steve Clarke. And given our defensive frailties this year – perhaps even more so (with the caveats that he was seriously undermined by the selling of James Collins hot on the heels of Ferdinand and McCarthy, and the loss through injury for most of the season of Herita Ilunga who had such a promising first season for us.)

While I continue to believe that Zola more than any other premier league manager would be able to admit these things to himself, genuinely learn from mistakes, and find a way to improve, he won’t get the chance to. He may still have the belief of some players but he has lost the belief of the fans in his abilities. For some time now, several “fans” websites have been little more than Zola hate-fests.

Anyway I genuinely thank him for his efforts here and wish him good luck in the future. I only hope that whoever succeeds him has three key qualities: a football brain; a desire to play an attacking game; and a strong enough personality to stand up to that total arsehole Sullivan and his silver-tongued sidekick, Gold.

So, have you bought your raffle tickets yet? You may have read that Sullivan wants to sell all our players except Scott Parker. Apparently there are a few that the only wads of paper that can be used to buy them are not readies but used toilet paper, so they have decided to raffle them instead. Tickets should be on sale before today’s game

These are the three “prizes”:
3rd Prize: “Mido” – fat, lazy, slow, (and they are just his best qualities) but he will be guaranteed to be useless for your team for just one grand a week.
2nd prize: “Kovac” – tall leggy blonde who won’t bore you by telling you about his best games (there were none to tell of)
1st prize: “Spector” – slow, half-witted, and clueless – there was a time when Americans like him could become president. If you are lucky enough to win him you could just stick him on a shelf – he won’t even notice and certainly won’t move quickly enough to get away.

The words of the great bard, John Cooper-Clarke, in his seminal piece, “Twat”, could have been written for Jonathan Spector:

“Like a death a birthday party, you ruin all the fun.
Like a sucked and spat our smartie, you’re no use to anyone.”

Not surprisingly, a team of players told by the club’s owner that, Parker apart, they are all twats, are all useless, second-rate and disposable, failed to perform against Fulham Reserves and deserved to lose by more than the narrow and flattering 3-2 result that ultimately ensued. What they will do today against a motivated Citeh team still seeking points does not bear thinking about and won’t be pretty. The only factor that might militate against that is that the players may decide ‘Fuck that nomark Sullivan. Let’s put on a final performance for Zola”. And those with memories that outstrip goldfish may wish to ensure that Bellamy does not have everything going his way. So perhaps total embarrassment may be avoided this afternoon. I’m not sure that I care enough either way. It’s next season I’m thinking about.

Yes, there are players I would willingly see the back of. Apart from the three to be raffled I would, without any hesitation, add Upson, McCarthy and Dyer. I like Guillermo Franco and think he has added a touch of class which has been mostly absent from our play but I don’t think he has the stamina to keep performing at this level. And Gabbidon has never really recovered form injury to play premiership football. Trouble is, apart from the over-rated Upson I can’t see a lot of wedge coming in for these players and I don’t really think Sullivan and Gold want to dip too deeply into their well-lined pockets.

There are players who should probably be kept because, at their best, they are worthy of the shirt, but are too often inconsistent, such as Faubert, Diamanti and Ilan. If decent bids come in for these players it would be hard to justify hanging on to them.

But if Sullivan’s cull includes our crop of promising young players, unfairly expected to rise above the air of doom and gloom that has suffocated our team this year, then he can fuck off right now. What an absolute kick in the teeth and in the nuts it would be to the man whom the club gave a well-deserved testimonial to this week – Tony Carr – who continues to nurture talented youngsters and turn them in to potentially great players. Despite our woeful season, I still think we have many reasons for hope in the years to come if we hold on to Hines, Collison, Noble, Tomkins, Stanislas and find a way to realise their true potential. Indeed if Hines hadn’t got injured at a crucial part of the season it may have all been very different. He is the right combo player for Cole. Cole is still relatively sluggish and slow but has come on by leaps and bounds under Zola and can hold the ball up well and when playing with confidence can be a real handful even for experienced defenders. Hines has lightning pace and imagination but needs to build up his strength. But they complement each other extremely well. We also have our young imports such as Daprella and De Costa whose best years are ahead of them.

Blimey, somehow I’ve managed to end up optimistic and looking forward to the next campaign. Thanks to readers who have taken he time and trouble to read my random thoughts, and for Gary for providing a platform. Oh and by the way, in case you are asking, my Hammer of the Year? No contest. It’s got to be Iain Dowie!

See you in August! Today’s result: West Ham 4 Citeh 0 (Bellamy sent off and three Tevez own goals. As if…well I reckon someone is going to win 4-0 today anyway). COYI!!!!!