Partners in grime

OLAS 477, January 30th 2010

As if there are not already enough Daves or Davids writing for OLAS we’ve now got two of them running the club. One smiles like a Cheshire cat who doesn’t just lick the cream but seems to own all the cream, and the other looks more like a Goliath than a David but has considerably worse dress sense than his biblical counterpart. That claret blazer Sullivan was pictured in the day the two David’s took over was almost as embarrassing for any observer to look as it must have been to wear. Money can do a lot of things but it can’t make Sullivan look any different.

It is high time that sociologists, anthropologists and scientists put their heads together and started to study the “Dave” phenomenon and find out whether it is really true that being given this moniker makes you more likely to support West Ham. My hunch is that it does, but it is not inevitable. And when you consider the implications if it was an inevitable process then we’re rather fortunate. You seriously would not want every David out there – even if they were paying good money. I’ve started compiling a list of Daves and Davids who we don’t want anywhere near Upton Park: My top 7 Dave’s to keep away are the following

David Cameron – smug Tory bastard
David Beckham – Brainless ex-Manure git
David Koresh –loopy Texan fundamentalist leader currently residing in heaven or hell
David Icke – loopy conspiracy theorist (and crap goalie)
David Duke – ditto (don’t know what he’s like in goal)
David Irving – ditto plus Holocaust denier and general wanker
David Brent – not funny at all and general wanker too

My definition of hell actually is having to choose a companion for a long walk out of David Cameron and David Irving…

Just in case any of my fellow OLAS-scribbling Daves are worried that I’m turning against people bearing this wonderful name, (which after all means “beloved”), I hope I can reassure them by stating that I have also begun to draft my list of David’s I would like to be West Ham supporters (Please feel free to add sensible suggestions):
David Bowie – I still love Ziggy Stardust.
David Gilmour – I still listen to Dark Side of the Moon and look for it on a clear night.

So what are we to make of the latest Daves we’ve got on board, or rather, running the board? “They’re family, they’re community, they’re West ‘am”. Do me a favour. We’ll need to get past any sentimental twaddle if we are going to have any serious assessment of what they will do either for or to the club.

I guess it’s a case of having to draw up the plusses and minuses. The club was, and still is at this point in time, probably very close to going under and they have at least delayed that possibility and given us a breathing space to draw up a recovery plan. The debts won’t disappear overnight, and these two know what they are up against and what they will need to do about it. They are experienced in running a football club and adding value to it. Whatever significant amounts of money they generously splash out on new players this month will most likely be more than balanced by departures in the summer of some we, as fans ,would not like to see on their way.

But Gilbert and Sullivan, our Pirates of Plaistow, are undoubtedly West Ham fans and want the club to succeed whether they are running it or not. And now they have put themselves in the driving seat they have an even greater stake in wanting to succeed.

And talking of driving seats, there’s a story about a guy, not unlike David Gold, who takes his roller, not unlike David Gold’s, to the garage and asks them to clean it inside and out. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” he shouts at the lowly attendant. “Make damn sure it looks smart inside and outside. Got it, my man?”
“OK, guv,” says the attendant, “Inside and outside”.
Well he puts his heart and soul into cleaning it and when the owner, not unlike David Gold, comes to pick it up he's standing there next to the gleaming roller. He collects his payment and then says to the owner:
“one thing, guv, I found this on the front seat – what is it?” – and he holds up a golf-tee.
“Don’t you know anything? It’s to rest your balls on when you drive off,” barks the owner.
The attendant replies: “Blimey, these Rolls Royces really have got everything.”

Our new owners may not have everything but they have got serious dosh. These “Mags to Riches” entrepreneurs are not taking a salary for themselves and are paying the salary of Karren Brady out of their own very deep and very murky pockets. They have got their beady eyes on the Olympic Stadium – or rather on the profit from selling that rather large and valuable piece land that sits under our Upton Park stadium.

Of course we should be grateful that anyone had the sense of adventure or humour to take on such a shambolic business as West Ham PLC. But whatever impulses anyone has to welcome Dave and Dave with open arms as our saviours, without any conditions or hint of scepticism, we need to let Del boy and Rodders know in no uncertain terms that we want Upton Park to remain our home. If they want to get some money back out of their gamble of running our club they are going to have to find a different method of doing that. They don’t look like the type of people who are short of ideas of how to screw money out of others. In fact Gold looks like somebody who would screw money out of his own granny And Goliath looks like he would be cheering him on as he does it.

On the plus side, if it has taken the heat off our financial emergency, it has also take the sting out of the overwhelmingly negative press coverage we have endured over the last few years. Amazing what a couple of lovable east end rogues can do. And unless I was dreaming I do believe we were positively praised on Match of the Day for our rugged performance up at Villa Park where we snatched a very valuable and unlikely point from a team who just a few days later put six goals past Blackburn.

We rarely threatened to get more than a point from the game but there were several pleasing aspects. Tomkins gave a first class performance and at the other end Nouble gave a much better account of himself than he had in that nervous debut in the cup against Arsenal. At Villa Park he held the ball well, made things difficult at times for experienced defenders, showed a lot of determination and a better awareness of where other players were, so that he could pass more often.

All being well we’ll have Cole back today – and maybe even a new face with him. But if he cant’ manage a whole game Nouble will fill the role more confidently now.

Greeny was also notable against Villa for three very good saves and the worst possible decision of when to try and dribble the ball past an attacker. We were lucky to get away with that but his other heroics were crucial in earning the point.

Blackburn have been playing with more style lately and will be tough opponents but we certainly need to beat them to drag as many teams as possible into the relegation fight. It would have been hard for the players not to carry the burden of worrying whether the club would survive during the financially stormy months we have been passing through, but now some stability is returning they ought to show how that worry has lifted and play with freedom and desire.

So as we reach the end of January, this weekend, as I’m sure you will all know, is the Big Garden Birdwatch organised by the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. But somebody ought to tell Dave and Dave before they get too excited and get their cameras (and anything else they can lay their hands on) flashing, that it’s not those kind of great tits and not that kind of swallow.

In honour of the birdwatch maybe we’ll revive that old terrace favourite: ‘if I had the wings of sparrow, if I had the arse of a crow…). anyway, enjoy he game – let’s hope we use our wings well and end up soaring high. the only way is up. COYI!!!