OLAS 550 December 28th 2008
“They fly so high, nearly reach the sky” – why the fuck can’t he head the ball downwards into an empty goal like every other centre forward?
I’ve tried to be understanding of Carlton Cole over the last couple of years but I’ve lost patience completely because his mistakes are costing us so dearly now. Against Liverpool late in the second half he had a simple ball to play across for Bellamy to tap in. Versus Chelsea he had a simple chance in the 2nd minute of injury time. There was no way Chelsea would have come back from that. Against Villa, apart from the header he ballooned over when it was easier to score, he wasted all of Bellamy’s great work when he got round the defence and pulled the ball back to the 6-yard line. Instead of nine points from those three games we have two. Instead of being comfortably in the top half we are hovering just above the drop zone with our feet almost touching it.
In the top half of the table, holding our own against the top clubs, playing good football on the ground, with a forward looking manager and coach combination, and some top youth players coming through, we would be the kind of team that players would want to join. Hovering above the drop zone, we will be shunned or ignored.
There‘s an old song from the depression years of the ‘20s and ‘30s that are looming again ominously: “No, nobody wants you, when you’re down and out. In your pocket not one penny, and your friends no, no, you ain’t got any…”
And that is how we will be going into the crucial January transfer window thanks principally to Carlton Cole. It’s not that I think he is incapable of improving – of course he can. But right now he needs to be out of the starting eleven. Zola needs to say to him - work every day to improve your game and try to win your place back by February. Ciao. In the meantime we’ll let Freddie Sears and Tristan have a proper go. They can’t do worse. And they may make Bellamy, who is currently playing magnificently, feel less frustrated and less likely to fuck off to Man City. Mind you if Bellend thinks he’ll be teaming up with Mark Hughes again by going there, I wouldn’t bank on it. It looks to me like Hughes’ days are numbered.
If anyone thinks players have a cap on their talent and can’t improve their game beyond a certain point, they should go and watch Fulham who have gained more points at Craven Cottage than we have at home or on the road combined. And listen for the names – Paintsil, Konchesky, Bullard and Zamora – any of them sound familiar? Every one on them has greatly improved on their contribution at Upton Park.
And if Carlton Cole feels lonely while his working to improve and he needs company let’s give him Lee Bowyer – another player who should not be on the pitch at the moment. Although I suppose I’d rather he fecked off altogether.
I know if I’m truly honest with myself, it’s not just to do with football. I don’t like or respect Bowyer as a person, don’t appreciate the things he has done in the past off the field, and don’t feel there was ever any meaningful contrition for his anti-social behaviour. But for today I’ll keep it purely on an objective footballing level. He is shit. He is a waste of space. He can’t sustain a challenge without pretending he is hurt, doesn’t track back , often passes poorly and gets caught out of position. And that’s just his good qualities…
I’ve been 100% behind Zola and Clarke but I do believe that if they persist in playing Cole ad Bowyer they will become complicit in keeping West ham near to the drop zone and far from the gaze of players who may want to make their mark in the Premier League.
We may think of West Ham as a shambolic set up riddled with debts, where no-one running the club can be believed in any utterance they make, due to make a substantial contribution soon to Sheffield United Cheats and Thieves Benevolent Fund, and gradually denuding itself of its best players for very short term financial relief. But there is another and more positive way of looking at the Club.
In Green, Upson, Collison, Behrami, Parker, Noble and Bellamy we have players that many other teams would be jealous of, and they could constitute the core of a very considerable team that blends experience with youth. We have immensely loyal supporters and a youth academy that still brings great young players into premier league football. If somebody who was serious about football took over, now that we are for sale, then an investment in four quality players would give us a team that could slug it out for a European place rather than perspiring to avoid the drop.
The likelihood of getting a footballing person rather than a shyster capitalist is pretty low but I haven’t given up hoping for that yet. Whatever happened to Tony Cottee and his mates? I just hope that whoever comes in will persist with Zola and Clarke even if it takes another two months to gain some distance from the drop zone because if they are allowed to carry on their revolution and are supported well they will ultimately bring both excitement and success to Upton Park.
A lot of what is good and positive about the Zola/Clarke combination was in evidence eon Saturday against Villa. We certainly had the better of the game and looked especially dangerous when we played passes over or around their defence for Bellamy to run onto. The work rate of all the players and running off the ball was tremendous, the defence looked tight and disciplined and the chances Villa did have were usually down to the odd mistake by our players. We tested their goalie on several occasions, and thoroughly deserved at least one, if not three points from the game. But we were carrying our 11th player – Cole – and could only replace Parker and Collison with fresh legs on the bodies of less skilled, combative and creative players (Mullins and Bowyer). That is ultimately why we failed. The teams that are succeeding in pulling results out when they seem unlikely are those who can introduce quality and contrast from the bench. We struggle to do this with our current squad.
And so to Stoke, who have acquitted themselves fairly well as a newly promoted team, pulling off some good results. I’ve no complaints about them beating the Arse 2-0. This is a must-win and it would be nice to do it with some style. Though Hammers with a sense of history will remember the perils of going 3-0 up against Stoke. They once did us 4-3 from that situation. I wasn’t there that day but I was the year after when we again stormed into three-goal lead, but they pulled three back in the second half then hit the bar with the last kick of the game by Harry Burrows (sounds more like a private eye than a footballer). So if you follow this historical/hysterical warning, the most important thing is to get the fourth goal! Any volunteers? Actually any volunteers to get the first goal would be welcome.
Sorry if this post has been uncharacteristically serious – it just reflects my frustrations about the current situation and I know I’m not alone. But I’ll finish with a joke:
Two snails mug a tortoise. Afterwards, the cops ask him if he could describe his attackers. “Not really,” says the Tortoise, “it all happened so fast...” (Couldn’t have been Bowyer or Cole then.)
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Monday, 22 December 2008
Dreams of 0-0
OLAS No 449 December 20th 2008
In the last two years I have been invited to run some sessions on History teaching for trainee primary teachers on a course at London Metropolitan University. It is challenging and rewarding work, and it also means that I get invited to the departmental Christmas lunch. At the lunch last week in a posh French restaurant I sat chatting to a serious academic. One minute we were discussing theories of knowledge; the next we were lamenting the recent sad demise of Oliver Postgate, who dreamt up and made possible the ever-reliable and comforting, “Ivor the Engine”, the always entertaining, “Bagpuss” and the whacky but formidable “Clangers”. My academic friend expressed everyone’s feeling around the table when he said that “Ivor the Engine” was truly excellent but, he then confided in me, “I didn’t get Clangers. I just didn’t get it.”
As the Chelsea - West Ham match unfolded I had an inkling of what he meant and how he felt. Having watched West Ham for the last 42 years I still don’t understand them. The night of the debacle against Spurs I went to bed feeling frustrated and low, slipped into a deep sleep and dreamt about West Ham playing Chelsea. My brain played tricks on me and I woke up happy believing that we had scraped an unlikely draw (0-0). Then I realised it was only Tuesday. There have been times when I’ve cashed my football dreams in on correct score bets, but I’ve had a few duff ones too, and some nights I don’t dream about footie at all, so I’ve learned not to trust my dreams. And, besides, what kind of a person dreams of watching 0-0 draws? All right, apart from Alan Curbishley, George Graham or Alistair Darling, what kind of ...
After ‘orrible October our mini revival brought very welcome points against Portsmouth, Sunderland and Liverpool. But what worried me though, was how poor our forward line was in each of these games. Against the Spuds we hit rock bottom – and it was back to the drawing board. To be honest, even if we had beaten Spurs we would have still feared an away match at Chelsea. I was there when Paulo di Canio masterminded our last victory at Stamford Bridge but since then it has been back to back defeats. A case of “Welcome, Hammers, how many would you like to lose by today? Would you like us to score first half goals or all in the second? That’s fine. Thank you for being so obliging.”
Last Sunday I sat in the pub before the game, staring at the screen as they showed the line-ups and, to be honest, their subs bench frightened me almost as much as the 11 we would start against. Zola obviously felt similarly. Ten minutes into the game still looked essentially like a frightened rabbit.
I felt reduced to considering what kind of defeat would leave us with some hope in our game against a free-scoring and very competent and confident Villa side? I concluded that a one-goal defeat with us scoring would be best, so my sights were set on losing 2-1 or 3-2 and claiming that as some kind of moral victory.
On that basis our result was stupendous. And, like at Anfield, it could have been more. Carlton Cole made a great opportunity for himself in injury time when Behrami put him through and he shook off his marker. He had several options of how to finish but almost inevitably chose the wrong one. Even Iain Dowie might have put that one away. Well, maybe not.
Carlton Cole featured prominently on various West Ham forums on Sunday night. The full spectrum of opinions were voiced from hero to villain, 90- minute menace to totally useless spare part. The way I look at him is that he gives away far too many free kicks, he is slow, he wins the ball in the air but can’t direct his headers, doesn’t do a lot of tracking back, his first touch is often woeful but he’s got a nice smile. It is not enough really. Nelson Mandela’s got a nice smile but you wouldn’t want him playing up front for West Ham. (Winnie Mandela maybe.)
Zola evidently feels that Carlton Cole is a project worth pursuing and has given him a spanking new five year contract. Many of us voiced similar doubts about Bobby Zamora. We let him go and now he’s doing pretty well for a team that currently sits six places above us in the table.
Maybe the style we need to adopt for away games requires the large holding front player. But when it comes to home games, and with Villa next up, I would prefer to see Cole on the bench and the far more skilful Freddie Sears taking his place.
Sears scores goals for fun in the reserves and will only need one or two premiership goals to set him off at that level. He is quick thinking and direct, though somewhat diminutive. Against Everton a few weeks back, his pairing with Bellamy looked very promising. As for Bellamy – the guy is a complete head case who looks like he hasn’t quite evolved, but he’s powerful and talented and with great determination. He fully deserved his goal at Chelsea, well set up by Nobes, and took it with a coolness and calmness that seemed to contradict his personality. You can’t tell a book by its cover. Oh, yes you can actually, Vinnie Jones.
But what really made the difference against Chelsea was the midfield. We’ve been hunting a ball winner with great distribution. On Sunday we actually had three of them in Nobes, Collison and Scotty Parker. Meanwhile Behrami (my Hammer of the Year to date just ahead of Greenie) is fast becoming the creative one, starting to thread through those killer passes to the front men and also ghosting into good scoring positions himself, in a manner reminiscent of Martin Peters..
The glaring deficiency though is any strength in depth and if one or two players get injured we are fucked. Let’s hope that some serious long-term thinking is in place for the January transfer window.
Well, I tell my teacher trainee students that in History the facts are less important than he interpretation. When the demon Thatcher got elected is less important than why the demon Thatcher got elected. Of course you need to know what has happened but the key to understanding is asking the right questions and providing a plausible interpretation.
The facts show that we were undefeated at Anfield or Stamford Bridge, that we’ve picked up 6 points form our last five games, but we have only scored two goals in those five matches. My interpretation is that digging six points out of every 5 matches from here to the end of the season, will keep us in the premiership – but only just. Our current weakness is our inability to score, or even be remotely threatening in the penalty area for large chunks of games. How hard have opposing goalies had to work in those 5 games to keep us out, compared with how hard Greenie has had to work to keep out our opponents?
Our visitors today are a good role model. Fast, direct, free scoring, entertaining and with excellent team spirit. They are truly a credit to the claret and blue. If we see Marlene and Reo-Joker today we should give them respect. They are doing the business for Villa.
Their last five league games have brought Villa three wins, two draws and nine goals. We have to have a go at them, unsettle and intimidate them from the first minute to the last. Playing for a 0-0 against a free-scoring confident team like Villa will be disastrous. We would be like the Clangers – just whistling in the wind.
In the last two years I have been invited to run some sessions on History teaching for trainee primary teachers on a course at London Metropolitan University. It is challenging and rewarding work, and it also means that I get invited to the departmental Christmas lunch. At the lunch last week in a posh French restaurant I sat chatting to a serious academic. One minute we were discussing theories of knowledge; the next we were lamenting the recent sad demise of Oliver Postgate, who dreamt up and made possible the ever-reliable and comforting, “Ivor the Engine”, the always entertaining, “Bagpuss” and the whacky but formidable “Clangers”. My academic friend expressed everyone’s feeling around the table when he said that “Ivor the Engine” was truly excellent but, he then confided in me, “I didn’t get Clangers. I just didn’t get it.”
As the Chelsea - West Ham match unfolded I had an inkling of what he meant and how he felt. Having watched West Ham for the last 42 years I still don’t understand them. The night of the debacle against Spurs I went to bed feeling frustrated and low, slipped into a deep sleep and dreamt about West Ham playing Chelsea. My brain played tricks on me and I woke up happy believing that we had scraped an unlikely draw (0-0). Then I realised it was only Tuesday. There have been times when I’ve cashed my football dreams in on correct score bets, but I’ve had a few duff ones too, and some nights I don’t dream about footie at all, so I’ve learned not to trust my dreams. And, besides, what kind of a person dreams of watching 0-0 draws? All right, apart from Alan Curbishley, George Graham or Alistair Darling, what kind of ...
After ‘orrible October our mini revival brought very welcome points against Portsmouth, Sunderland and Liverpool. But what worried me though, was how poor our forward line was in each of these games. Against the Spuds we hit rock bottom – and it was back to the drawing board. To be honest, even if we had beaten Spurs we would have still feared an away match at Chelsea. I was there when Paulo di Canio masterminded our last victory at Stamford Bridge but since then it has been back to back defeats. A case of “Welcome, Hammers, how many would you like to lose by today? Would you like us to score first half goals or all in the second? That’s fine. Thank you for being so obliging.”
Last Sunday I sat in the pub before the game, staring at the screen as they showed the line-ups and, to be honest, their subs bench frightened me almost as much as the 11 we would start against. Zola obviously felt similarly. Ten minutes into the game still looked essentially like a frightened rabbit.
I felt reduced to considering what kind of defeat would leave us with some hope in our game against a free-scoring and very competent and confident Villa side? I concluded that a one-goal defeat with us scoring would be best, so my sights were set on losing 2-1 or 3-2 and claiming that as some kind of moral victory.
On that basis our result was stupendous. And, like at Anfield, it could have been more. Carlton Cole made a great opportunity for himself in injury time when Behrami put him through and he shook off his marker. He had several options of how to finish but almost inevitably chose the wrong one. Even Iain Dowie might have put that one away. Well, maybe not.
Carlton Cole featured prominently on various West Ham forums on Sunday night. The full spectrum of opinions were voiced from hero to villain, 90- minute menace to totally useless spare part. The way I look at him is that he gives away far too many free kicks, he is slow, he wins the ball in the air but can’t direct his headers, doesn’t do a lot of tracking back, his first touch is often woeful but he’s got a nice smile. It is not enough really. Nelson Mandela’s got a nice smile but you wouldn’t want him playing up front for West Ham. (Winnie Mandela maybe.)
Zola evidently feels that Carlton Cole is a project worth pursuing and has given him a spanking new five year contract. Many of us voiced similar doubts about Bobby Zamora. We let him go and now he’s doing pretty well for a team that currently sits six places above us in the table.
Maybe the style we need to adopt for away games requires the large holding front player. But when it comes to home games, and with Villa next up, I would prefer to see Cole on the bench and the far more skilful Freddie Sears taking his place.
Sears scores goals for fun in the reserves and will only need one or two premiership goals to set him off at that level. He is quick thinking and direct, though somewhat diminutive. Against Everton a few weeks back, his pairing with Bellamy looked very promising. As for Bellamy – the guy is a complete head case who looks like he hasn’t quite evolved, but he’s powerful and talented and with great determination. He fully deserved his goal at Chelsea, well set up by Nobes, and took it with a coolness and calmness that seemed to contradict his personality. You can’t tell a book by its cover. Oh, yes you can actually, Vinnie Jones.
But what really made the difference against Chelsea was the midfield. We’ve been hunting a ball winner with great distribution. On Sunday we actually had three of them in Nobes, Collison and Scotty Parker. Meanwhile Behrami (my Hammer of the Year to date just ahead of Greenie) is fast becoming the creative one, starting to thread through those killer passes to the front men and also ghosting into good scoring positions himself, in a manner reminiscent of Martin Peters..
The glaring deficiency though is any strength in depth and if one or two players get injured we are fucked. Let’s hope that some serious long-term thinking is in place for the January transfer window.
Well, I tell my teacher trainee students that in History the facts are less important than he interpretation. When the demon Thatcher got elected is less important than why the demon Thatcher got elected. Of course you need to know what has happened but the key to understanding is asking the right questions and providing a plausible interpretation.
The facts show that we were undefeated at Anfield or Stamford Bridge, that we’ve picked up 6 points form our last five games, but we have only scored two goals in those five matches. My interpretation is that digging six points out of every 5 matches from here to the end of the season, will keep us in the premiership – but only just. Our current weakness is our inability to score, or even be remotely threatening in the penalty area for large chunks of games. How hard have opposing goalies had to work in those 5 games to keep us out, compared with how hard Greenie has had to work to keep out our opponents?
Our visitors today are a good role model. Fast, direct, free scoring, entertaining and with excellent team spirit. They are truly a credit to the claret and blue. If we see Marlene and Reo-Joker today we should give them respect. They are doing the business for Villa.
Their last five league games have brought Villa three wins, two draws and nine goals. We have to have a go at them, unsettle and intimidate them from the first minute to the last. Playing for a 0-0 against a free-scoring confident team like Villa will be disastrous. We would be like the Clangers – just whistling in the wind.
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Beyond Enfield
OLAS 448 8 December 2008
When a game ends 0-0 there is usually not much to write about. So with two of our last three games ending 0-0 that either doubles or halves how little there is to write or not write about it. I never was that good at maths. As the song goes from Porgy and Bess, we “got plenty of nothing”. Only a 0-0 at Anfield is a little bit more intriguing than any old goalless draw, and certainly more intriguing than a 0-0 at Enfield. Full credit to the team for a very organised display, crucial saves as usual from Greenie, and thanks, too, to Steven Gerrard, who unlike King Midas turned everything he touched into crap. We could have passed the ball to him all night – well, we did actually – and he blew every opportunity. Pity he was more accurate at Cardiff the other year in the 90 millionth minute.
And it might have been even better at Anfield (shit – I can’t write that now without thinking of Enfield). We had four or five good chances ourselves. The post and the side netting took two of them from us the others we wasted all by ourselves. And so the long wait for our first win at Anfield since 1963 continues for another year. I had the opportunity to preview the game for the Observer and have to eat some of my words now, along with some humble pie. “Liverpool will be too strong” I opined. Not at all. This was a pretty tepid display from the league leaders as they ran out of ideas and wasted most of their shooting opportunities. I did add, though, that “we would take the game to them in the spirit of ‘63”. And we did after a fashion, carving out some good chances while spending most of the game in our own half. We played the ball out of defence confidently, made some good interchange of passes in midfield but lacked any bite up front. Carlton Cole’s crucial contribution was clearing off the line after a Liverpool corner. At the other end he was hopeless and looked way out of his depth.
When we won in ‘63, our goal scorers were two players bound for glory – Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters - but the programme for the next game recalled the outstanding debut of a young centre half called Dave Bickles. I saw him play a couple of times. And while Hurst and Peters (and Bobby Moore) went on to lift the World cup, Bickles played around 30 times for West Ham, transferred to Crystal Palace, then hung up his boots early to become a PE teacher.
I don’t have much time for PE teachers myself, having endured several incredibly stupid and irritating examples of the genre, but I have sympathy for Bickles because he died young – in his 50s. My PE teacher at primary school – Miss Gilbert – was a complete monster, though she also suffered, and the last I heard had multiple sclerosis. At secondary school we had two PE teachers. One used to be a footballer – for Darlington, if that counts. He was just one of those Great Northern Bastards. If you took a moment to stand with your hand on your hips (instead of having your knuckles scraping the floor) he’d bellow your name followed by: “Where’s your ‘andbag, ladddie?”. He was called Noel Martin and saw himself as a bit of a wordsmith. I remember his rationalisations for people like me who, in those days, had long hair and needed to trim it. “Don’t permit your hair to grow long laddie,” he explained “it impedes your peripheral vision.”
These days my peripheral vision is just dandy.
Our other PE teacher Martin Jenkinson, was the total opposite of an intellectual. He used to pick on my Polish friend Marek who was less than enthusiastic about PE. Once he fired off that oh so reasonable question at Marek: “You lad, where are your family from?”
“Poland”, Marek Replied
“Didn’t we fight your lot in the war?” – Well, Marek just laughed. And the answer is no, Mr Jenkinson.
Still it could have been worse. My friend Mike grew up in several countries as his dad’s engineering job took him from place to place. He spent some of his childhood years in Spain under Franco’s regime. At that time every school was obliged to have at least one member of staff who was a paid up member of the Fascist Party. In Mike’s school it was the PE teacher. Life is full of surprises. Imagine if every school here had to have some gruesome, loathsome half-wit from the BNP on their staff. Apparently, after the leaking of a certain list, it seems that a few do.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned PE teachers are right down there with the scum of the earth, alongside estate agents, hedge fund speculators, OFSTED inspectors, and other useless or parasitical creatures.
Now talking of the scum of the earth I reckon old Harry will find he’s gone from Hero to Zero when he steps out there tonight with his (ho, ho) “boyhood team”. Lots of fans reckon he’s really done the dirty by taking charge at Spurs and are baying for his blood. Me – I still like him really. I can’t just turn off the memories, like a tap, of the good times we had when he was here, when he brought exciting players like Paulo Futre and Paulo di Canio; when he groomed Joe Cole and Michael Carrick for stardom, when he threw a plate of sandwiches at our hapless defenders (they probably didn’t even stop that). So, Harry, you are a mercenary bastard who has sold his soul to the devil but you are still up there among my heroes.
Spurs came unstuck against Everton last week but their general trajectory under Harry is upwards and they will be tough opposition. Our model for approaching this game ought to be the first 75 minutes we played against Everton when we were sharp and creative, playing at pace, getting to the by-line and putting chances on a plate for our strikers. And our strikers against Everton were Bellamy and Sears – no Cole. I want to see him and Tristan on the bench ready to come on to add a little height and weight to the attack if necessary in the final 20 minutes, but let’s start with our vertically challenged duo.
Midfield is a more difficult one to call now that Nobes is fit again. Behrami and Parker have been outstanding in the last three games, but Mullins has also looked really solid. Collison deserves to be in the mix too after his performance against Everton. And we could do with Mattie - motivated to perform against his old club - to give us width.
Behrami may have missed a chance against Sunderland that my friend’s half-blind, zimmer-framed granny would have scored, but he has been our star performer this year and is proving to be really versatile. I wonder if he is our captain in the making . Lucas Neill’s commitment might not stretch to signing a contract on less incredibly and unjustifiably lucrative terms. Like Harry, Lucas is another mercenary bastard, but playing rather well at the moment in a very solid and settled back four.
if we can keep our back four free from injury and resist the poachers for Robert Green in January we will continue to be hard to beat but with the league so tight we are not going to guarantee our safety by drawing 0-0 too often. I’ll take that score against the big guns, but when we are playing everyone else we need to be winning and, sometimes, even winning handsomely. That is why we need to bring in, on loan if necessary, a creative midfielder in the Benayoun/Berkovic mould and a quick witted and powerful goal scorer during January. if one of these is someone who can take corners or free kicks, that would do us no harm either.
A fully fit Keiron Dyer is going to take time to readjust to the demands of the premier league and, even then, he will always be a disaster waiting to happen. And I doubt if we’ll see Deano back until the final few weeks.
So if anyone on the official website promises their return and says “It will be like having two new players”, we’ve got to say “Bollox, it is. These two would be hard pressed to walk round Beckton Asda doing their shopping without getting injured again.” (Though maybe that should be on their training schedule – Steve Clarke take note).
If they both come back in the new year and stay free from injury until the end of the season I’ll eat some more words and humble pie. But what is absolutely clear is that we can’t wait until next season to see the best from Dyer and Ashton because they’ll be doing it against the likes of Blackpool, QPR and Sheffield Wednesday instead of against Man U, Chelsea and Liverpool.
Enjoy the game tonight – time for us to remind Harry why East London is wonderful. COYI !!!
When a game ends 0-0 there is usually not much to write about. So with two of our last three games ending 0-0 that either doubles or halves how little there is to write or not write about it. I never was that good at maths. As the song goes from Porgy and Bess, we “got plenty of nothing”. Only a 0-0 at Anfield is a little bit more intriguing than any old goalless draw, and certainly more intriguing than a 0-0 at Enfield. Full credit to the team for a very organised display, crucial saves as usual from Greenie, and thanks, too, to Steven Gerrard, who unlike King Midas turned everything he touched into crap. We could have passed the ball to him all night – well, we did actually – and he blew every opportunity. Pity he was more accurate at Cardiff the other year in the 90 millionth minute.
And it might have been even better at Anfield (shit – I can’t write that now without thinking of Enfield). We had four or five good chances ourselves. The post and the side netting took two of them from us the others we wasted all by ourselves. And so the long wait for our first win at Anfield since 1963 continues for another year. I had the opportunity to preview the game for the Observer and have to eat some of my words now, along with some humble pie. “Liverpool will be too strong” I opined. Not at all. This was a pretty tepid display from the league leaders as they ran out of ideas and wasted most of their shooting opportunities. I did add, though, that “we would take the game to them in the spirit of ‘63”. And we did after a fashion, carving out some good chances while spending most of the game in our own half. We played the ball out of defence confidently, made some good interchange of passes in midfield but lacked any bite up front. Carlton Cole’s crucial contribution was clearing off the line after a Liverpool corner. At the other end he was hopeless and looked way out of his depth.
When we won in ‘63, our goal scorers were two players bound for glory – Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters - but the programme for the next game recalled the outstanding debut of a young centre half called Dave Bickles. I saw him play a couple of times. And while Hurst and Peters (and Bobby Moore) went on to lift the World cup, Bickles played around 30 times for West Ham, transferred to Crystal Palace, then hung up his boots early to become a PE teacher.
I don’t have much time for PE teachers myself, having endured several incredibly stupid and irritating examples of the genre, but I have sympathy for Bickles because he died young – in his 50s. My PE teacher at primary school – Miss Gilbert – was a complete monster, though she also suffered, and the last I heard had multiple sclerosis. At secondary school we had two PE teachers. One used to be a footballer – for Darlington, if that counts. He was just one of those Great Northern Bastards. If you took a moment to stand with your hand on your hips (instead of having your knuckles scraping the floor) he’d bellow your name followed by: “Where’s your ‘andbag, ladddie?”. He was called Noel Martin and saw himself as a bit of a wordsmith. I remember his rationalisations for people like me who, in those days, had long hair and needed to trim it. “Don’t permit your hair to grow long laddie,” he explained “it impedes your peripheral vision.”
These days my peripheral vision is just dandy.
Our other PE teacher Martin Jenkinson, was the total opposite of an intellectual. He used to pick on my Polish friend Marek who was less than enthusiastic about PE. Once he fired off that oh so reasonable question at Marek: “You lad, where are your family from?”
“Poland”, Marek Replied
“Didn’t we fight your lot in the war?” – Well, Marek just laughed. And the answer is no, Mr Jenkinson.
Still it could have been worse. My friend Mike grew up in several countries as his dad’s engineering job took him from place to place. He spent some of his childhood years in Spain under Franco’s regime. At that time every school was obliged to have at least one member of staff who was a paid up member of the Fascist Party. In Mike’s school it was the PE teacher. Life is full of surprises. Imagine if every school here had to have some gruesome, loathsome half-wit from the BNP on their staff. Apparently, after the leaking of a certain list, it seems that a few do.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned PE teachers are right down there with the scum of the earth, alongside estate agents, hedge fund speculators, OFSTED inspectors, and other useless or parasitical creatures.
Now talking of the scum of the earth I reckon old Harry will find he’s gone from Hero to Zero when he steps out there tonight with his (ho, ho) “boyhood team”. Lots of fans reckon he’s really done the dirty by taking charge at Spurs and are baying for his blood. Me – I still like him really. I can’t just turn off the memories, like a tap, of the good times we had when he was here, when he brought exciting players like Paulo Futre and Paulo di Canio; when he groomed Joe Cole and Michael Carrick for stardom, when he threw a plate of sandwiches at our hapless defenders (they probably didn’t even stop that). So, Harry, you are a mercenary bastard who has sold his soul to the devil but you are still up there among my heroes.
Spurs came unstuck against Everton last week but their general trajectory under Harry is upwards and they will be tough opposition. Our model for approaching this game ought to be the first 75 minutes we played against Everton when we were sharp and creative, playing at pace, getting to the by-line and putting chances on a plate for our strikers. And our strikers against Everton were Bellamy and Sears – no Cole. I want to see him and Tristan on the bench ready to come on to add a little height and weight to the attack if necessary in the final 20 minutes, but let’s start with our vertically challenged duo.
Midfield is a more difficult one to call now that Nobes is fit again. Behrami and Parker have been outstanding in the last three games, but Mullins has also looked really solid. Collison deserves to be in the mix too after his performance against Everton. And we could do with Mattie - motivated to perform against his old club - to give us width.
Behrami may have missed a chance against Sunderland that my friend’s half-blind, zimmer-framed granny would have scored, but he has been our star performer this year and is proving to be really versatile. I wonder if he is our captain in the making . Lucas Neill’s commitment might not stretch to signing a contract on less incredibly and unjustifiably lucrative terms. Like Harry, Lucas is another mercenary bastard, but playing rather well at the moment in a very solid and settled back four.
if we can keep our back four free from injury and resist the poachers for Robert Green in January we will continue to be hard to beat but with the league so tight we are not going to guarantee our safety by drawing 0-0 too often. I’ll take that score against the big guns, but when we are playing everyone else we need to be winning and, sometimes, even winning handsomely. That is why we need to bring in, on loan if necessary, a creative midfielder in the Benayoun/Berkovic mould and a quick witted and powerful goal scorer during January. if one of these is someone who can take corners or free kicks, that would do us no harm either.
A fully fit Keiron Dyer is going to take time to readjust to the demands of the premier league and, even then, he will always be a disaster waiting to happen. And I doubt if we’ll see Deano back until the final few weeks.
So if anyone on the official website promises their return and says “It will be like having two new players”, we’ve got to say “Bollox, it is. These two would be hard pressed to walk round Beckton Asda doing their shopping without getting injured again.” (Though maybe that should be on their training schedule – Steve Clarke take note).
If they both come back in the new year and stay free from injury until the end of the season I’ll eat some more words and humble pie. But what is absolutely clear is that we can’t wait until next season to see the best from Dyer and Ashton because they’ll be doing it against the likes of Blackpool, QPR and Sheffield Wednesday instead of against Man U, Chelsea and Liverpool.
Enjoy the game tonight – time for us to remind Harry why East London is wonderful. COYI !!!
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