Let's kick arse

OLAS 475 January 3rd 2010

Most people like new experiences. Who can forget the first time they tasted ice cream, flew on an aeroplane, or robbed a bank? For Robert Green, getting through 90 minutes of football without having to collect the ball from the back of the net would have been such a distant fading memory, that it must have felt like a totally new and unearthly experience. Though he had made a hash of a couple of clearances, he was unlucky to be beaten once by Chelsea – and then only from the penalty spot – but against Portsmouth he was much more commanding, especially after West Ham decided to sit back on their lead and surrender Pompey the initiative in the second half. So his clean sheet on Boxing Day could not have come at a more opportune moment.

If someone stopped you in the street and asked you, as a West Ham supporter, whether you would rather beat Chelsea or Portsmouth, well, nine times out of ten you would surely say Chelsea. The thought of getting one over those rich arrogant tossers is very appealing, while Portsmouth are quite cuddly really. But when you stop and think about our current predicament in the league and who we really need to be taking points from. You realise how valuable it was that, if we were taking four points from these encounters, it was so much better that we failed to beat Chelsea but succeeded in beating Portsmouth.

It was an odd game against Pompey, given how much urgency we had shown against Chelsea, as this one counted far more. It was played at a snail’s pace with neither team showing much adventure, though West Ham were good in parts, and deserved to be ahead at the interval if only for showing slightly more endeavour and purpose. We came good again towards the end and with more accurate finishing would have won by three or four goals. Collisson had three good attempts in the game and should have buried at least one. But that is the part of his game that he most needs to improve.

Collisson has the potential to be a West Ham great if we can hang on to him. He is the nearest thing I have seen over the years to another Trevor Brooking – extremely poised and unselfish, very thoughtful when the ball arrives at his feet, drifts nimbly past defenders, reads the game extremely well and ghosts into good positions. Clever Trevor also didn’t’ score many goals but then again he had Geoff Hurst/Clyde Best/Jimmy Greaves/Pop Robson to take responsibility for putting the ball in the back of the net. At this moment we have one ageing Mexican international and an injury list as long as a blue whale’s penis (which I have been assured on good authority, rather than personal experience, is pretty substantial)

After the Portsmouth game the friendly press were bigging up Kovac and Jiminez. Now many philosophers will argue that actuality as perceived by different individuals is a tricky thing and everyone sees things through their own window, but I honestly don’t know which window some of these characters are using. Yes Kovac took his goal superbly, and showed other premier-level strikers how to bury a header, but for a fella his size he should really be bossing the midfield. And Patrick Viera he isn’t. His tackles are often lightweight and half-hearted, his vision poor, his timing of passes frequently lacking in awareness. I don’t doubt his effort or commitment – just his ability – and cannot fathom how he captained Spartak Moscow, unless he won that title in a raffle. I hope he will prove me wrong in 2010 and show that my window on reality has the curtains drawn and that the plaudits he has received recently are totally merited.

When Jiminez first kicked a ball for the Hammers in the pre-season friendly against Napoli I was impressed but maybe it was another trick of the reality lens, with the other players being relatively less fit or bothered. In the cut and thrust of the Premier League he looks so pedestrian. Many of his passes come to nothing; and when he wants to receive a pass, if the ball doesn’t come right to his feet, he makes little effort to win it. He made two good contributions against Portsmouth and luckily for him they both ended with goals – getting bundled over for our penalty in the first instance and floating a superb curling free kick for Kovac to head in for the second. Between those moments I saw a rather indifferent performance from a player who either lacks confidence, commitment or ability. If I’m wrong, Luis, then prove it in the new year. I want you to succeed. But at the moment I would rather see Junior Stanislas in your place because he knows how to advance up the pitch rather than go square and how to strike a bit of fear into defences with his aggressive forward runs.

On a more positive note, the return of Upson has seen the defence beginning to operate again much more like a unit. Tomkins is developing extremely well given his age and experience and Faubert and Ilunga are playing more consistently, though with Ilunga picking up yet another injury that will be disrupted again. I hope we are not going to see the imposter Jonathan Spector out there today, trying to fool the public again that he is a professional footballer. Some players suffer from being one-footed – Spector suffers from being no-footed. Why not give Daprella a go?

The crucial aspect of the win over Portsmouth was that it lifted West ham out of the bottom three, a position that at the time of writing we have sustained despite the fairly inevitable setback against high-riding Spurs. We go into 2010 one point above the drop zone but only four points off 11th place and with a substantially better goal difference than four of the teams immediately above us, which at the end of the day is worth a point. so I’m less pessimistic than I was a few weeks ago.

I know how much the annual fixtures with Spurs mean to every West Ham fan, but I’m not too disheartened by our failure at Shite Hart lane. They have a much stronger squad than us, were able to bring in four players rested on boxing day, and we lost two key players to injury early on – so we need to keep it in perspective. Let’s hope we will have a stronger squad again by the time we face Wolves on January 10th.

But today we can put the league to one side anyway and savour what ought to be quite a spectacle in the FA Cup. Neither team will want to add more fixtures to their schedule unnecessarily so both will certainly be playing an attacking game to force a win. We have the psychological advantage of going into the game as underdogs on our home patch, with our home crowd as our 12th man, and in the knowledge that when Arsenal came here in the league game we gave them a mighty fright in the second half and they were the ones clinging on near the end for a point even though we were down to 10 men.

We need to start with our best team but be prepared, if we are clearly heading for defeat, to give a couple of subs a proper run out, to prepare them for league action, especially Nouble. With Franco struggling to maintain his strength as a lone striker, and Carlton and Zavon still sidelined we need more options up front and Nouble could be an important player for us in the second half of the season, but he needs to get the chance to play more than a couple of minutes at the end of a game.

You don’t need me to tell you how important January is to the future of the club. We can do all the speculating we like but won’t really know what kind of shakedown will have been effected until January 31st. We may get hints today though – if certain of our stars don’t appear and we are fobbed off with excuses like “a cold”, “flu” or “a virus”. You don’t need to use a translation search engine like “babel fish” to know that this means “We’re selling them, despite any of Duckbrain’s promises, and we get more money if they are not cup-tied”.

Anyway, after the home game against Chelsea we have shown that we can play without fear against big clubs at Upton Park and I fancy that we’ll give Arsenal a run for their money today with Diamanti being our surprise package I haven’t been to Wembley for a while – and that’s been mainly to visit my dentist. I would love another trip there that doesn’t involve excruciating pain. And I’m old enough to remember seeing Billy Bonds holding the cup there. So come on West Ham, show us what you can do. Get out there and kick some arse! COYI!!!!!