Comedy, scarecrows and tragedy

OLAS 476 10th January 2010

If I wanted to see “A Comedy of Errors” I would have gone to Stratford upon Avon, but it seems that I managed to find it nevertheless just a stone’s throw from Stratford East London last Sunday.

Arsenal’s mainly second-string side were there for the taking. Whinger knows that with Man U and Chelsea sliding, they have got a serious chance of challenging for the league title. The F A Cup is one diversion they needed like a hole in the head. And they don’t have a terribly good cup record against West Ham.

For much of the game they spurned our generosity. We repeatedly handed them the ball on a plate, gave them all the space in the world to move from defence to attack, but when they got down our end of the pitch they opted to belt the ball over the bar, or crash it against our defenders. And for a side whose attacking game depends on precision passing, they often failed to make their last pass tell. With Arsenal’s profligacy, our patched up side were muddling through and occasionally threatening their goal through Diamianti and Junior Stan, but unfortunately we found their goalie, Fabianski in rather fab form. A goal out of nothing in the 45th minute provided the prefect platform to wrap the game up in the second half.

Halfway through the second half you could see the frustration on the faces of the Arsenal players and Whinger was clearly getting more and more twitchy and agitated. He started pacing quickly, then stopping to hold his hands out like a scarecrow. He’d be quite good as a scarecrow – he would frighten me and small children any day. The Arsenal crowd, very upbeat early on and taunting the home fans for being so hushed, had all gone rather quiet. We were still in front and it looked like staying that way.

To be honest neither team deserved to win, as the quality for much of the match was poor. But with 15 minutes to go I actually fooled myself into thinking it was going to happen for us, that despite a display full of huff and puff but hopelessly mistimed or panicked passes and needless mistakes, it was seriously looking as if effort rather than skill would see us through, that we would hang on.

My mind began to wander. Having very much enjoyed a two week break from the school where I teach in Islington which is, not surprisingly dominated by Arsenal supporters, I was imagining the scenario and looking forward to the pleasure that only a 52-year-old West Ham fan could get by winding up a few of the primary age kids who take it all too seriously. But within a few minutes, Arsenal’s substitutions had made the difference, comedy had turned to tragedy we were dumped out of the cup. Wembley has been officially struck off my list of exotic destinations this year.

Once Arsenal had equalised we all knew which way it was going to go. The only surprise was how quickly Arsenal grabbed their second. No doubt many of our supporters will be relieved that we won’t be adding a replay to our fixture list. After all, our players are dropping like flies, while others are getting ready to make themselves pretty for the shop window for the post Christmas sales to bigger and more ambitious clubs. We knew we were going to be without Franco (suspension), the injured Cole, Hines and Parker, and Noble, who took quite a knock against Portsmouth. But what about Jack Collisson? His non-appearance and therefore non-cup-tied status will certainly keep me worried until the end of the window.

Still it’s nice to know that Zola uses my column to help him with the team selection. I had proposed that Daprella was given a try out and made the case for Nouble to join him on the pitch against Arsenal. One of them made a big impression and I had been expecting it to be Nouble. As it was he seemed completely overawed with the occasion, frozen by nerves, and increasingly clumsy as he tried to get things right. There was so much expectation but he made a bit of a hash of it, and he must be kicking himself and feeling pretty low.

As fans we need to forget this performance, mark it down to inexperience, and treat his next start as his real debut. He looked desperate to do well but clueless as to how to go about it. Yet when he last had a proper run out – against Millwall earlier in the season – he showed considerable promise. So I think we need a bit of understanding and a bit of encouragement for a youngster who is physically mature but wasn’t really prepared psychologically for what he was going to be involved in during this cup tie. If Gary’s info on Cole’s injury is true – and with Franco no spring chicken – we may be seeing quite a lot of Nouble in the next two months.

Daprella – also a youngster – was far more prepared for the occasion and gave a fine display. He looked comfortable on the ball and was not afraid to burst forward. it was a performance that made me feel much less disturbed by Ilunga’s injury tendencies. Most importantly it proves we have adequate cover without having to resort to the piss-awful Spector – who is possibly the crappiest full back I’ve ever seen at Upton Park (or in any park come to that) - and I’ve been coming here since ’66.

Other players who can hold their head up high from the Arsenal game are Faubert (apart from a couple of lapses), Behrami who gave a high energy Billy Bonds- type performance and Junior Stanislas who drove forward whenever possible and was unlucky not to get on the scoresheet.

Diamanti was excellent for the first hour then faded. Jiminez gave a more committed performance, with some nice touches, but has not convinced me yet. Upson did well but looked as if he was going through the motions. He showed absolutely nothing as a captain who is supposed to be motivating the players around him. Tomkins won some crucial balls in the air but his distribution on the ground was very poor. Greeny made a couple of fine saves but his kicking was inconsistent and his ability on crosses was again left open to question. Kovac underperformed once more over the 90 minutes, though he had a better first half.

Despite being dumped out of the cup, one bright spot was the return of Freddie Sears who looked lively and confident, though his failure to hit the net on any occasion during his loan period at Palace does not bode well. But he seemed to be very glad to be back playing in the West Ham colours again. I was tempted to say he’s grown as a player but he still looks three foot six to me, so I won’t say it.

Today, it is back to the relegation dogfight. And for the benefit of any pedants out there, apparently you can have a dogfight with wolves on account of them being from the same species as dogs (Canis Lupus – if you really want to know). What did you think they were - some kid of angry short haired sheep? Some scientists claim that Dingos are a kind of missing link in the history of the connection between wolves and dogs. And I thought it was a game for bored grannies who had outlived their husbands – shows how much I know.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Wolves at Upton Park (though I’ve seen a few dogs…) and I think Derek Dougan was playing last time out. Now that dates me. But I like Mick McCarthy with his mis-shapen nose and great northern drone when he’s interviewed. and if they weren’t in the diogfight with us I’d want them to stay up. But there can’t be any room at all for sentiment today.

We did a job on them in the first game of the season and we need to repeat that in our first home league encounter of 2010. January and February are all about points, and much as I hate the “targets” and “assessment” culture that is invading every aspect of our lives poisoning so many ordinary simple human interactions, I hope that Gianfranco has set the team some tough targets for the number of points to be in our possession come the end of February. We have to look at getting a minimum of 12 points from the 8 games between now and then – and if possible, more t help us climb away form the relegation zone.

So West Ham – what will you serve up today – comedy, tragedy – or - a spellbinding performance of what Alf Garnett described as “working class ballet”? The stage is set – don’t let us down.