OLAS 446 8 November 2008
By now we will know if one long-distance West Ham fan will be holding down the most powerful job in the world. While his enemies have tried to pin the labels “terrorist”, “muslim”, and “fanatic” on him, the evidence shows that his only true fanaticism is the one that we all share here at OLAS. A few months ago Barack Obama was outed as a West Ham fan. And it didn’t affect his poll ratings at all. Apparently his family members in Kent are Hammers-crazy and when he visited them five or six years ago they won him over and he follows our fortunes excitedly.
If he is indeed the president by now, I would recommend that as one of his first actions of foreign policy he considers sending over an elite force to zap Sheffield United’s bosses. The British government doesn’t normally object to American interventions here (or anywhere else) – what with extraordinary rendition and all that – so I’m sure Gordon Brown will turn a blind eye. (I’m told he’s got one specially for that purpose).
This particular zapping action would achieve two objectives – it would give those annoying tossrags in Sheffield exactly what they so richly deserve and it would finally, after many decades, give me an American military intervention that I could support and wouldn’t feel obliged to take to the streets to protest against. Okay, I would have preferred it if Mandela, Castro or Chavez had declared their admiration for West Ham first, but Obama will do for now.
Just before we forget George Bush, let me tell you about an incident that happened recently, when a couple of his advisers found him chuckling away in the oval office, looking very pleased with himself.
“Yo George," they said, “what’s cooking?”
He replied, “I’ve finished my jigsaw in just two weeks”
“OK” one of his advisers said, “but Mr President we’ve got trouble in I-raq, we’ve got finance problems at home, how can you get so thrilled about doing a jigsaw puzzle in two weeks?”
“Look at the box boys,” replied Bush triumphantly. “Just here, it says 3-5 years!”
If Obama’s presidential slogan was “Change We Need”, then “Change We Got” is certainly our situation at Upton Park. The honeymoon period was short and after four defeats on the spin Zola took the team to Middlesborough facing his toughest managerial challenge. I admire his positivity. I like the way he talks about and to the players and his response to the fans. But November will be the defining month. That‘s when we come face to face with the kind of teams we could either be competing for 6th place with or scrapping to avoid relegation amongst.
Outside of the top four, its anybody’s league, with only Aston Villa showing the consistent form that should guarantee a high finish. But it could also be anybody’s fate – big clubs and small – to be involved in the relegation dogfight, including ours. It is especially tricky this year as there is no equivalent of Derby County. Stoke, who have looked relatively weak pulled off a great result against Arsenal, and the Spuds, who have been propping up the table much to our joy and mirth, have started to pick up several points with Harry the Geezer at the helm.
I guess we know now why Harry ruled himself out of a return to Upton Park. Why go to a club on the verge of bankruptcy when there’s another one down the road with money to burn? Harry is getting busy reinventing a mythical attachment to Spurs as a youngster. It’s bollox of course. He grew up near West Ham in an Arsenal supporting family. But let’s not allow facts to get in the way! And besides I still love the guy.
We should be looking for a minimum of 8 points from the four games in November if we are going to stake our claim to being part of the battle within the top half of the table. A point away at Middlesborough was a useful start, though we know it could have and should have been three.
I am impressed by Zola’s commitment to playing attacking football even when the results have gone against us – the total opposite of what Turdishley would have done. (I hear that Turdishley wants to sue for constructive dismissal – he probably has a case but they might counter-sue him for being a boring cnut, which is just a solid a case).
Whenever possible Zola has tried to play 4-3-3. I can’t help recalling how back in the swinging ‘60s when I first came here, we went one step further, playing 4-2-4, with Ronnie Boyce and Martin Peters in the midfield, and up front two wingers – Peter Brabrook and Johnny Sissons and two forwards – Johnny Byrne and Geoffrey Hurst. We swept forward quickly with such movement and style…
it’s OK I’ve woken up again and realised we’re in 2008. Of course, nobody would risk playing just two players in midfield these days, but three in midfield is possible, especially if they are quality players. We definitely have three quality midfielders in Behrami, Parker and Noble, and, with a big performance at Boro, Jack Collison showed he is quite a prospect too.
I had thought that Faubert was quality too but he is much too erratic.
Our major problem is that now we have Behrami and Noble out for a month we have a mixture of clowns like Bowyer and Boa Morte, and donkeys like Mullins as our replacements. Which is why, despite a very determined and disciplined performance against Arsenal, in which Robert Green was outstanding, we couldn’t hang on and eventually got overrun. (And by the way I think that Wenger’s fulsome praise for Greenie’s performance was a bit of fishing).
The Arse didn’t deserve to win by two goals, but apart from Di Michele’s sizzler that was turned over and Bellamy’s break where Flymetothemunia was fortunate to save with his leg, we didn’t threaten at all. If our midfield played tight with quick short passes, our forwards were too far apart and could rarely reach each other with the final ball.
Having given our all against Arsenal, the odds on a similar performance three days later, in front of 75,000 at the Mancs, were too long and we were completely outplayed. Still, by all accounts our second half performance sufficed to keep the score down and avoid total embarrassment.
I’ve been reluctant to criticize Zola because I think his approach is the right one – and he’s only little – but against Arsenal his substitutions were too late and they played in the wrong position. I can’t see any point at all in putting Etherington on the right wing.
But what must be giving Zola nightmares now is the recognition of how thin on quality our squad is. Given that our financial crisis rules out much happening in January (apart from me celebrating my birthday), then the way forward depends on Zola finding ways to develop and bring in the youngsters (which he did at Middlesborough), and on Steve Clarke tightening up the defence and giving the whole team the steely determination that he helped to drill into the players at Chelski.
And maybe that’s what we saw for most of the game at Middlesborough. The big improvement there was penetration up front, with Bellamy and Sears combining well enough to be a constant threat. This also meant that we didn’t need to bring on Tristan – who is still fighting for his fitness. In contrast to the handful of goal attempts over two games against the Arse and Manure, we had 15 goal attempts at Boro with 8 of them on target.
Everton will be a difficult game. Their season started badly and Moyes looked a worried man but with back-to-back wins without conceding over Bolton and Fulham preceded by a draw with the Mancs, they will arrive with their confidence restored. Hopefully we’ll have Scotty Parker back from injury and Tristan will have had another week to get match fit – both of which will increase our options.
The “Change We Need” today is a win and a clean sheet. I had an idea before the season started of changing and cleaning my sheets at home every time West Ham keep a clean sheet. I hoped that the power of telepathy would prove mutually beneficial and ensure regular clean sheets at our home, Upton Park, and my home, Tufnell Park. Another American who fought for change, Martin Luther King jr, said there is nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come. So far this one has not proven to be my best idea. Enjoy the game. COYI!!!
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Monday, 27 October 2008
GIANFRANCO'S BAROMETER
OLAS 445 26 October 2008
How perfect would it have been to go into today’s game on the back of two winning performances? We arrive, instead, having suffered two successive defeats to average teams. Never mind, we are ready for Arsenal anyway. Arsenal’s defence is not as anally retentive as it once was and, in recent years we have enjoyed enough good results against them, home and away, to know that we can beat them. Pardew demonstrated for everyone the method to employ if you want to make Whinger lose his cool. Gianfranco is probably too much of a gent to use those tactics but he will know that the performances he can bring out of the players against the likes of the Arse and Manure the following week will be a barometer of how well he has stepped up to the demands of the premiership. Lots of teams treat points at the expense of the giants as bonus points. Bonus, shmonus – I’m confident we will get some.
Bad as the result was against Bolton, it was essentially down to two uncharacteristic and unforced errors by Rob Green, who is a consistently high performer. He won’t make errors like those again for many a moon. It was predictable that, after scoring early in each of our first three home games, a tough-minded team would come to Upton Park primarily to defend and keep as many players playing deep. Bolton did precisely that. For the first 25 minutes, though, we used crisp, short passes and purposeful one touch football attempting to drive a path through them. They restricted us mainly to shooting from a distance but some of these efforts were only just off target with the goalie beaten. I’ve no doubt that if we had scored first we would have gone on to win. Bolton would have been forced to chase the game and we would have found further opportunities.
As it is, their double strike in quick succession rocked us and the players were visibly disorientated. It was the kind of scenario that Steve Clarke ought to prepare the team for overcoming and I am sure, over time, he will. Zola made the right moves to try to retrieve the game – risking a three-man defence that only came unstuck right at the end. With more bite in the final third we would have got some reward from the game, even if some players (Etherington, Fuabert) were playing below par.
We didn’t succeed, but the game never felt beyond us until that storming third goal. And that strong sense that even when we were losing we could turn it around reminded me of our first season back with Pardew. Pards has his own problems these days at Charlton but his positivity and never-say-die attitude in 2005-6, and his desire that West Ham should play true to their traditions, has a new lease of life under Gianfranco and I am sure he will be pleased about that.
Curbishleyism is gone, the wasted passes across the field followed by the long hoof forward are gone and real football has returned. If our finishing was not so woeful at Hull we would have ran out easy winners. Bellamy and Cole need to sharpen up in front of goal. Certainly, if we are to get something from the game today and next week at Old Trafford, it can only be by playing real football and taking the few chances we will get.
Full credit to Hull, though, for riding their luck against us and winning so many points at this stage of their first premiership season. Good to see their fellow promoted club, Stoke, notch up a win at the weekend, too, though I can’t remember who it was that they beat. Oh yeah, now I remember!!! The only thing amazes me about Spurs this season is how they managed to get even two points.
It is such a warm and proud feeling to beat any premiership rival but it is especially fulfilling to beat the Arse. Undoubtedly, part of it is seeing Whinger shuffle around nervously like Mr Bean and then listening to him come out with his excuses scraped from the bottom of the barrel. He is Mr Bad Loser Number 1. And, to be honest, I can’t get away from my very first impression of him when I thought he looked like a cold-blooded Nazi bureaucrat – not the individual that personally commits mass murder, but the one who records it and checks that everything is in order and running smoothly.
We know from experience that everyone of us collectively – the crowd at Upton Park – can totally get underneath his skin and that of his players. So you know what is demanded of you today.
Blimey, that’s eight paragraphs and I’m still talking about the football on the pitch while the real story is, of course, the financial crash that is threatening the future of many clubs, not least ours. My friend Paul, for sins in a past life, I suspect, a Blackpool fan, reckons that West Ham would be better off purchasing their personnel from Iceland Supermarket than Iceland the country. He’s got a point. They offer family meals for £5 – so their football players and chairmen surely can’t cost that much more.
Of course the global financial crisis is not (that) funny, but I had to chuckle when I heard a newsreader say that, “Icelandic assets might be frozen”. I stated to imagine how painfully boring it would be to be a weatherman/woman on Icelandic TV: “Gott kvolld. A morgun vilja vera kuldi” - “Good evening: tomorrow will be cold (and the day after, and the day after, and the day after, and…) Á nótt það vilja vera frjósa. (At night it will be freezing!)”
No kidding. Still the word on the street is that our Mr Landsbanki will feel the pressure to cash in on his assets while he still can. And that is why we need to prepare ourselves for the name change.
I was chatting to my friend Ivor about an article I had read speculating that the financial crisis would force our Icelandic owner to sell and that a company from Abu Dhabi would be bidding to buy West Ham. For most of its existence West ham has typified the football club where one paternalistic local family business has remained in control, and players gave service to one club. These days it’s not just players but clubs too that are seen as short-tem disposable assets. Anyway, I said to Ivor that I thought, “this Abu Dhabi business wouldn’t be terribly keen on the ‘Ham’ in our name so we may have to become West Kebab.” I was only just stating to get used to our new name when Ivor said: “That will be East Kebab then – no, hang on, Middle-East Kebab!”.
So there we have it. A month from now, instead of West Ham United we could be “Middle East Kebab” – singing our new theme tune: “I’m forever roasting shwarma, gritty shwarma on a spit, it roasts so red, keeps us all well-fed, but my mate prefers felafel instead. Fortunes always hiding etc.” Okay it hasn’t got the pathos and underlying theme of proletarian resignation that “Bubbles” possesses, and it will take time to get used to it, but I’m sure we’ll adjust. We always do.
Anyway, dress warmly, make sure your assets don’t get frozen, keep up the pressure on Whinger and his team, and enjoy the game! COYI!!!
How perfect would it have been to go into today’s game on the back of two winning performances? We arrive, instead, having suffered two successive defeats to average teams. Never mind, we are ready for Arsenal anyway. Arsenal’s defence is not as anally retentive as it once was and, in recent years we have enjoyed enough good results against them, home and away, to know that we can beat them. Pardew demonstrated for everyone the method to employ if you want to make Whinger lose his cool. Gianfranco is probably too much of a gent to use those tactics but he will know that the performances he can bring out of the players against the likes of the Arse and Manure the following week will be a barometer of how well he has stepped up to the demands of the premiership. Lots of teams treat points at the expense of the giants as bonus points. Bonus, shmonus – I’m confident we will get some.
Bad as the result was against Bolton, it was essentially down to two uncharacteristic and unforced errors by Rob Green, who is a consistently high performer. He won’t make errors like those again for many a moon. It was predictable that, after scoring early in each of our first three home games, a tough-minded team would come to Upton Park primarily to defend and keep as many players playing deep. Bolton did precisely that. For the first 25 minutes, though, we used crisp, short passes and purposeful one touch football attempting to drive a path through them. They restricted us mainly to shooting from a distance but some of these efforts were only just off target with the goalie beaten. I’ve no doubt that if we had scored first we would have gone on to win. Bolton would have been forced to chase the game and we would have found further opportunities.
As it is, their double strike in quick succession rocked us and the players were visibly disorientated. It was the kind of scenario that Steve Clarke ought to prepare the team for overcoming and I am sure, over time, he will. Zola made the right moves to try to retrieve the game – risking a three-man defence that only came unstuck right at the end. With more bite in the final third we would have got some reward from the game, even if some players (Etherington, Fuabert) were playing below par.
We didn’t succeed, but the game never felt beyond us until that storming third goal. And that strong sense that even when we were losing we could turn it around reminded me of our first season back with Pardew. Pards has his own problems these days at Charlton but his positivity and never-say-die attitude in 2005-6, and his desire that West Ham should play true to their traditions, has a new lease of life under Gianfranco and I am sure he will be pleased about that.
Curbishleyism is gone, the wasted passes across the field followed by the long hoof forward are gone and real football has returned. If our finishing was not so woeful at Hull we would have ran out easy winners. Bellamy and Cole need to sharpen up in front of goal. Certainly, if we are to get something from the game today and next week at Old Trafford, it can only be by playing real football and taking the few chances we will get.
Full credit to Hull, though, for riding their luck against us and winning so many points at this stage of their first premiership season. Good to see their fellow promoted club, Stoke, notch up a win at the weekend, too, though I can’t remember who it was that they beat. Oh yeah, now I remember!!! The only thing amazes me about Spurs this season is how they managed to get even two points.
It is such a warm and proud feeling to beat any premiership rival but it is especially fulfilling to beat the Arse. Undoubtedly, part of it is seeing Whinger shuffle around nervously like Mr Bean and then listening to him come out with his excuses scraped from the bottom of the barrel. He is Mr Bad Loser Number 1. And, to be honest, I can’t get away from my very first impression of him when I thought he looked like a cold-blooded Nazi bureaucrat – not the individual that personally commits mass murder, but the one who records it and checks that everything is in order and running smoothly.
We know from experience that everyone of us collectively – the crowd at Upton Park – can totally get underneath his skin and that of his players. So you know what is demanded of you today.
Blimey, that’s eight paragraphs and I’m still talking about the football on the pitch while the real story is, of course, the financial crash that is threatening the future of many clubs, not least ours. My friend Paul, for sins in a past life, I suspect, a Blackpool fan, reckons that West Ham would be better off purchasing their personnel from Iceland Supermarket than Iceland the country. He’s got a point. They offer family meals for £5 – so their football players and chairmen surely can’t cost that much more.
Of course the global financial crisis is not (that) funny, but I had to chuckle when I heard a newsreader say that, “Icelandic assets might be frozen”. I stated to imagine how painfully boring it would be to be a weatherman/woman on Icelandic TV: “Gott kvolld. A morgun vilja vera kuldi” - “Good evening: tomorrow will be cold (and the day after, and the day after, and the day after, and…) Á nótt það vilja vera frjósa. (At night it will be freezing!)”
No kidding. Still the word on the street is that our Mr Landsbanki will feel the pressure to cash in on his assets while he still can. And that is why we need to prepare ourselves for the name change.
I was chatting to my friend Ivor about an article I had read speculating that the financial crisis would force our Icelandic owner to sell and that a company from Abu Dhabi would be bidding to buy West Ham. For most of its existence West ham has typified the football club where one paternalistic local family business has remained in control, and players gave service to one club. These days it’s not just players but clubs too that are seen as short-tem disposable assets. Anyway, I said to Ivor that I thought, “this Abu Dhabi business wouldn’t be terribly keen on the ‘Ham’ in our name so we may have to become West Kebab.” I was only just stating to get used to our new name when Ivor said: “That will be East Kebab then – no, hang on, Middle-East Kebab!”.
So there we have it. A month from now, instead of West Ham United we could be “Middle East Kebab” – singing our new theme tune: “I’m forever roasting shwarma, gritty shwarma on a spit, it roasts so red, keeps us all well-fed, but my mate prefers felafel instead. Fortunes always hiding etc.” Okay it hasn’t got the pathos and underlying theme of proletarian resignation that “Bubbles” possesses, and it will take time to get used to it, but I’m sure we’ll adjust. We always do.
Anyway, dress warmly, make sure your assets don’t get frozen, keep up the pressure on Whinger and his team, and enjoy the game! COYI!!!
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
THE SECRET IS OUT
OLAS 444 Sunday 5th October
It’s a closely guarded secret but I can reveal that our next sponsors are going to be “Debtsure” – the UK debt solutions specialists whose catchy slogan is “we can clear 70% of your debts”. They have won the contract just ahead of the Consumer Credit Counselling Service – “a registered charity offering free confidential advice and support to anyone who is worried about debt”, who themselves just about pipped Scott Duxbury’s first choice – Lehman Brothers – that right bunch of bankers. So, all you Hammers can look forward to ordering your shirts again without the discredited XL which has flown into the ground. Now we will have the words “Debtsure; Paying off those bastards in Sheffield very slowly”, proudly emblazoned on our chests and pie-filled tummies.
There was never any doubt that the dodgy South American deal was going to come back and bite us on the arse and the rumours are it could cost us £30million or more, though I suspect the actual amount will be smaller. One of the problems about it is that we won’t know for a while. It is unlikely to be confirmed until well into the new year, and unless we also imported large quantities of drugs from South America at the same time or there is a pot of gold that one of our directors has been keeping for such a rainy day, it certainly puts paid to any interesting forays into the transfer market in January. The best that we can hope for there is to pick up inflated prices for some of our dummies and to get a couple more loan players. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. Di Michele and Ilunga are settling in well and making their mark.
When it comes to assessing the merits of the compensation claim, there is no doubt that the whiff of hypocrisy is all around, What is so different about the arrangements that Man U or Liverpool have made with Honest Kia Joorabchian for Tevez and Mascherano? Who owns the players now? And why were Sheffield United so quiet when we were languishing in bottom place for so long that awful season? Now, I might be a bit mutton, but was there even a teeny-weeny peep out of them when they thumped us 3-0 in April 2007 with Tevez playing, and barely a few matches left? Sheffield United went down not because of Tevez but because they were crap. They may deserve pity for being crap, but nobody deserves compensation for being crap.
If West Ham don’t succeed in getting this judgement overturned in a higher court, if such a challenge is permissible, then the floodgates will truly open, as all sorts of compensation claims will be made against referees making strange decisions, tea-ladies dishing up dodgy sandwiches, Michael Fish for saying it wouldn’t rain, and God-knows-who, seen as unfairly responsible for teams gong down. It may not be much of a time to be a banker or a venture capitalist at the moment, but, if this judgement stays, it promises to be a bumper time to be a lawyer.
None of this excuses Hammers involvement in such transparently spiv-like businesses (no offence intended to any spivs that are reading, apparently there are one or two in East London ), but it is a jungle out there and those running the club should have known better than to get drawn into its “anything goes” practices that are the jungle norm.
Despite all these matters, on the field it’s going pretty well. Four wins out of six is a fabulous start. With two of the teams that finished above us last year – Everton and Portsmouth – making very stuttering starts to their campaigns, and Hull currently holding down a top-half place that won’t last, we have every incentive to attempt what looked very unlikely at the start of the season – a European place.
There were many who felt that the Popular Front for the Liberation of West Ham from the Deadweight of Curbishleyism, of which I was a leading propagandist and activist, overdid it, were too harsh and damning and far too negative. But when you witness the cultural change that Zola has brought within just a couple of weeks, the Popular Front know that the ends justified the means. And besides, we didn’t kill him.
In that short time Zola has liberated the players and the fans. Football is coming home at Upton Park. In a day and age when, unfortunately, the word “academy” has been tainted and means little more than some grubby little capitalist getting their grubby little paws on a school building and the land around it, then converting some of the classrooms into luxury flats for a quick buck, and attempting to squeeze more profits out of education, the “academy of football” is starting to mean something again.
When I saw us nestling in 5th place in the league table after the win at Fulham, for the first time in ages I checked to see who was above us that we could possibly catch rather than worry about who was below us. At the beginning of the season I was dreading October 26th when we are home to Arsenal. I work in a school dominated by Gooners, and under Curbishley I was expecting us to be trounced – the only compensation being that it was the beginning of half-term and the kids may have forgotten about it by the time we came back. But now I hear myself screaming “Bring it on!” – I wish we were playing them this week. When we do face them I doubt there will be many points between us. Mind you we do have to play Hull next week…
Earlier this season I was bemoaning the lack of quality in depth in the squad and gave examples of players who were tryers but just not up to it. Mattie and Natalie fell into that bracket then, but look at them now and you have two highly motivated players, desperate to to do well, really working at their game and improving all the time. Why, even Lucas Neill looks motivated (I didn’t say he’s any better, just more motivated) And Zola’s insistence that the players enjoy playing, and won’t get bollocked for giving the ball away if they are trying to play good football, is giving them the freedom to improvise and entertain. Our Saturday afternoons are filled with excitement and anticipation again. Thank you Gianfranco. And Curbishley, you boring little man, if you are awake, look and learn.
Today I fancy we are in for a tough game. Three wins out of three at home means that teams are going to come here very defensively-minded and seek a goal on the break. Bolton are dull as shite but look a bit more solid than they did a year ago. I’m sure Steve Clarke is working hard at tightening up our defensive play but he can only work with the material he has got and I’m not convinced we have a solid partnership in defence yet. In terms of attack Zola has shown that he is keen to use the wings and the key to unlocking defensively-minded teams will surely be to use the full width of the pitch to stretch them and also have players like Di Michele drawing players to him, then weaving some magic on the ground. I haven’t made any match predictions this season yet, so there is no harm in me saying 1-0, goal by Mark Noble – I might even put money on it. Enjoy the game – I do these days! COYI!!!
It’s a closely guarded secret but I can reveal that our next sponsors are going to be “Debtsure” – the UK debt solutions specialists whose catchy slogan is “we can clear 70% of your debts”. They have won the contract just ahead of the Consumer Credit Counselling Service – “a registered charity offering free confidential advice and support to anyone who is worried about debt”, who themselves just about pipped Scott Duxbury’s first choice – Lehman Brothers – that right bunch of bankers. So, all you Hammers can look forward to ordering your shirts again without the discredited XL which has flown into the ground. Now we will have the words “Debtsure; Paying off those bastards in Sheffield very slowly”, proudly emblazoned on our chests and pie-filled tummies.
There was never any doubt that the dodgy South American deal was going to come back and bite us on the arse and the rumours are it could cost us £30million or more, though I suspect the actual amount will be smaller. One of the problems about it is that we won’t know for a while. It is unlikely to be confirmed until well into the new year, and unless we also imported large quantities of drugs from South America at the same time or there is a pot of gold that one of our directors has been keeping for such a rainy day, it certainly puts paid to any interesting forays into the transfer market in January. The best that we can hope for there is to pick up inflated prices for some of our dummies and to get a couple more loan players. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. Di Michele and Ilunga are settling in well and making their mark.
When it comes to assessing the merits of the compensation claim, there is no doubt that the whiff of hypocrisy is all around, What is so different about the arrangements that Man U or Liverpool have made with Honest Kia Joorabchian for Tevez and Mascherano? Who owns the players now? And why were Sheffield United so quiet when we were languishing in bottom place for so long that awful season? Now, I might be a bit mutton, but was there even a teeny-weeny peep out of them when they thumped us 3-0 in April 2007 with Tevez playing, and barely a few matches left? Sheffield United went down not because of Tevez but because they were crap. They may deserve pity for being crap, but nobody deserves compensation for being crap.
If West Ham don’t succeed in getting this judgement overturned in a higher court, if such a challenge is permissible, then the floodgates will truly open, as all sorts of compensation claims will be made against referees making strange decisions, tea-ladies dishing up dodgy sandwiches, Michael Fish for saying it wouldn’t rain, and God-knows-who, seen as unfairly responsible for teams gong down. It may not be much of a time to be a banker or a venture capitalist at the moment, but, if this judgement stays, it promises to be a bumper time to be a lawyer.
None of this excuses Hammers involvement in such transparently spiv-like businesses (no offence intended to any spivs that are reading, apparently there are one or two in East London ), but it is a jungle out there and those running the club should have known better than to get drawn into its “anything goes” practices that are the jungle norm.
Despite all these matters, on the field it’s going pretty well. Four wins out of six is a fabulous start. With two of the teams that finished above us last year – Everton and Portsmouth – making very stuttering starts to their campaigns, and Hull currently holding down a top-half place that won’t last, we have every incentive to attempt what looked very unlikely at the start of the season – a European place.
There were many who felt that the Popular Front for the Liberation of West Ham from the Deadweight of Curbishleyism, of which I was a leading propagandist and activist, overdid it, were too harsh and damning and far too negative. But when you witness the cultural change that Zola has brought within just a couple of weeks, the Popular Front know that the ends justified the means. And besides, we didn’t kill him.
In that short time Zola has liberated the players and the fans. Football is coming home at Upton Park. In a day and age when, unfortunately, the word “academy” has been tainted and means little more than some grubby little capitalist getting their grubby little paws on a school building and the land around it, then converting some of the classrooms into luxury flats for a quick buck, and attempting to squeeze more profits out of education, the “academy of football” is starting to mean something again.
When I saw us nestling in 5th place in the league table after the win at Fulham, for the first time in ages I checked to see who was above us that we could possibly catch rather than worry about who was below us. At the beginning of the season I was dreading October 26th when we are home to Arsenal. I work in a school dominated by Gooners, and under Curbishley I was expecting us to be trounced – the only compensation being that it was the beginning of half-term and the kids may have forgotten about it by the time we came back. But now I hear myself screaming “Bring it on!” – I wish we were playing them this week. When we do face them I doubt there will be many points between us. Mind you we do have to play Hull next week…
Earlier this season I was bemoaning the lack of quality in depth in the squad and gave examples of players who were tryers but just not up to it. Mattie and Natalie fell into that bracket then, but look at them now and you have two highly motivated players, desperate to to do well, really working at their game and improving all the time. Why, even Lucas Neill looks motivated (I didn’t say he’s any better, just more motivated) And Zola’s insistence that the players enjoy playing, and won’t get bollocked for giving the ball away if they are trying to play good football, is giving them the freedom to improvise and entertain. Our Saturday afternoons are filled with excitement and anticipation again. Thank you Gianfranco. And Curbishley, you boring little man, if you are awake, look and learn.
Today I fancy we are in for a tough game. Three wins out of three at home means that teams are going to come here very defensively-minded and seek a goal on the break. Bolton are dull as shite but look a bit more solid than they did a year ago. I’m sure Steve Clarke is working hard at tightening up our defensive play but he can only work with the material he has got and I’m not convinced we have a solid partnership in defence yet. In terms of attack Zola has shown that he is keen to use the wings and the key to unlocking defensively-minded teams will surely be to use the full width of the pitch to stretch them and also have players like Di Michele drawing players to him, then weaving some magic on the ground. I haven’t made any match predictions this season yet, so there is no harm in me saying 1-0, goal by Mark Noble – I might even put money on it. Enjoy the game – I do these days! COYI!!!
Saturday, 20 September 2008
CAT AMONG THE PIGEONS
OLAS 443 20th September 2008
When our next-door neighbours set off to France for a week recently they asked if we could pop in and feed their cats. They’ve got two cats – the smaller one, Hetty, is a bit nervous and walks a bit awkwardly. She reminds me a bit of Louis Boa Morte, and that’s on a good day, but the bigger one who is undoubtedly the boss, is a tough guy, quick and bullish, very determined, and he’s called Zola. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that this cat, which we’ve been feeding, had been appointed the manager at West Ham. That’s put a cat among the pigeons I thought, but, having seen the pictures in the papers, I realise it’s not him after all. Yes, he’s bullish and determined, but the one they’ve appointed is smaller and without whiskers and speaks Italian (at the end of a conversation he says ciao not meaowww).
Though I’m disappointed not to be actually living next door to the new manager I’m both surprised and satisfied with the choice. But isn’t it so West Ham that the day after he’s appointed the headlines declare that West Ham’s sponsors have gone down the tubes, that XL have reduced beyond medium and even beyond extra small. The West Ham website were quick to announce that “West Ham United have terminated the relationship with XL Holidays with immediate effect”…just under a headline bar with the XL logo! (left hand…right hand… know… what… doing…)
So who will be our next sponsors? There must be some likelihood of an Italian firm stepping in – what do you reckon, Gucci, Armani, Zabaglione, Prada, Versace…and will our dear old fans live up to the image? Only, every time I saw supporters on the box being interviewed about the demise of Curbishley and speculating about the new appointment, they were invariably pear-shaped balding geezers from Romford in tracksuit tops who looked as if they ate their Mars bars sideways. They were hardly fahionistas. Still, all that might change, and sharp suits and flowing low-cut frocks – in claret and blue of course – might become the regular match day clobber.
So goodbye Curbs. The board treated you like shit. They deliberately undermined you to make you walk, rather than require protracted dealings over a contract buy-out. You didn’t deserve that, but to be honest we didn’t deserve the worst style of football I’ve seen at Upton Park over four decades that you were responsible for. You made no attempt to relate to the fans who are the heart of the club. You set your (rather dopey) face against meeting what we, the fans, had a right to ask for and expect – exciting attacking football played by fit, motivated players. Your negative style of management clearly underwhelmed and demotivated the players. Petulance, pessimism, excuses and platitudes were all you had left to offer us. Your media interviews were always an embarrassment. And given that your idea of a good transfer target was one of the walking wounded, you gave the board every excuse to stop trusting you in the transfer market.
Where do you go from here? I don’t know. I’ve not worked in careers advice but, if I did, I might put you forward to counsel people with a sleep problem.
How you managed to bow out with West Ham putting four goals past opponents who finished higher than us last year will remain one of history’s great imponderables, alongside how someone with a brain the size of a walnut gets to be president of the USA.
We deserved our early lead but after Blackburn pulled one back – from some truly dreadful defending – we were hanging on. A dubious annulment of a decent goal, Rob Green’s stupendous penalty save, just about good enough performances by several players, with Mark Noble outstanding, and the adaptability of the team, kept us in the lead until the 90th minute. But when the 4th official held up the board announcing five minutes of injury time we all feared the worse. Then, suddenly there was bedlam. A belter from Bellamy, and a tap in from Cole after terrific work by Behrami and we’ve run out 4-1 winners. We can’t explain it but we’ve just got to accept it.
Now Zola excites me (the manager – not the cat next door). He was a gem of a player who knew how to upset and terrorise opponents with skill and power, creativity and surprise and I am sure that these are the elements that he will endeavour to instil within the players we have. I’m also glad that he’s been working with the Italian under-21s as that experience will help him develop our younger players here. Within a few weeks here, I expect to see Deano getting the service he needs on the ground, Scotty Parker going forward instead of backwards or in circles, wing players running to the byline or cutting inside to set up chances, and an all round desire to run for each other and make opportunities.
With the likelihood of Chelsea’s Steve Clarke joining him too, you’ve got to wonder whether some quality players over in West London, finding it hard to establish a regular first team place there, might relish the opportunity of reuniting with Zola and Clarke in January. Of course the big prize would be the return of Joe Cole – the nearest thing we ever had to a player of Zola’s style and quality – highly unlikely in the extreme but a little less unlikely than a couple of weeks ago.
Before the appointment was made there was a clamour among many fans for Di Canio to return. if we were going to go for an inexperienced manager then why not go for one who has West Ham etched on his soul? One whose volatility is his distilled desire to emerge triumphant in every game; a player whose love affair with Hammers fans was genuine and heartfelt?
I was decidedly not one of those joining this clamour. I loved the way Paolo played football, and never for a moment doubted his yearning to win whatever is possible for the club, but frankly, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the club I love being managed by someone whose idea of relaxation is settling down with a first edition of Mussolini’s writings. Someone who denies they are racist but is happy to call themselves a fascist. As OLAS columnist Mark Walker reminds us every so often, we have enough of the Barking Tendency close to home already.
So what persuaded our Board to go for Zola? At least some of them had clearly set their sights on Bilic but, no doubt, Zola was not in a position experience-wise to put in a similar wage demand to Bilic. So Zola was attractive as a relatively cheaper option. Other Italians were in the running too, but a serious factor, ultimately, was the Board belatedly showing that it recognised the overwhelming demand by the fans to appoint someone who will put attacking play back where it belongs in the football academy. Somehow, that sentiment got across, probably through those who have stayed away. Declining season ticket sales, empty seats, the lowest gate for 16 years for a league cup game, showed that we are not mugs prepared to tolerate anything out of loyalty. And in these credit crunch days our abstinence is their financial loss.
I am sure the board have still got their sights on making a mint out of selling the land under Upton Park and building a bigger stadium elsewhere. They know there is a loyal fan-base out there that can be mobilised – and as long as match-day prices don’t keep escalating and we have a team playing entertaining football, you could get 45,000 punters regularly (though I would rather they were squeezed in to a fully developed Upton park).
So there was a convergence of the fans desire, articulated through many voices, the Board’s desire not to pay over the odds, and their acknowledgement that there is a connection between what is delivered on the pitch and our desire to keep paying to see it.
Whatever the motivations involved we have a result that ought to get all Hammers fans’ juices flowing. We should welcome Zola with open arms but also cut him some slack to make some mistakes in the first few games without us getting on his back. Also, we need a grown-up attitude to the Chelsea business. He loved Chelsea and I am sure he still does. We hate Chelsea. But he is here and this is his first managerial post in the premiership. He will be desperate to succeed and that has got to be good for us.
Zola has come early in the season where two wins and two defeats have given us a top half position. Perhaps we should have got more at West Brom, but given the background factors that was always going to be a difficult game. What was heartening though are the statistics for the number of shots (21) and the number of those on target (13). This was not West Ham playing safe, a la Turdishley. We were going for a win on the road. We fell short but it could have gone either way and credit to Kevin Keen for motivating them. Also after four games we have an average of scoring two per game – compared with barely one per game last year.
Today Newcastle come along and the players will be feeling energised to put in a top performance. Come 5 o’clock, Zola the cat will be stretching out on the lawn for a sleep, but my guess is that Zola the manager will be celebrating his first success and the start of a new West Ham era.
Ciao/meaow, COYI
When our next-door neighbours set off to France for a week recently they asked if we could pop in and feed their cats. They’ve got two cats – the smaller one, Hetty, is a bit nervous and walks a bit awkwardly. She reminds me a bit of Louis Boa Morte, and that’s on a good day, but the bigger one who is undoubtedly the boss, is a tough guy, quick and bullish, very determined, and he’s called Zola. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that this cat, which we’ve been feeding, had been appointed the manager at West Ham. That’s put a cat among the pigeons I thought, but, having seen the pictures in the papers, I realise it’s not him after all. Yes, he’s bullish and determined, but the one they’ve appointed is smaller and without whiskers and speaks Italian (at the end of a conversation he says ciao not meaowww).
Though I’m disappointed not to be actually living next door to the new manager I’m both surprised and satisfied with the choice. But isn’t it so West Ham that the day after he’s appointed the headlines declare that West Ham’s sponsors have gone down the tubes, that XL have reduced beyond medium and even beyond extra small. The West Ham website were quick to announce that “West Ham United have terminated the relationship with XL Holidays with immediate effect”…just under a headline bar with the XL logo! (left hand…right hand… know… what… doing…)
So who will be our next sponsors? There must be some likelihood of an Italian firm stepping in – what do you reckon, Gucci, Armani, Zabaglione, Prada, Versace…and will our dear old fans live up to the image? Only, every time I saw supporters on the box being interviewed about the demise of Curbishley and speculating about the new appointment, they were invariably pear-shaped balding geezers from Romford in tracksuit tops who looked as if they ate their Mars bars sideways. They were hardly fahionistas. Still, all that might change, and sharp suits and flowing low-cut frocks – in claret and blue of course – might become the regular match day clobber.
So goodbye Curbs. The board treated you like shit. They deliberately undermined you to make you walk, rather than require protracted dealings over a contract buy-out. You didn’t deserve that, but to be honest we didn’t deserve the worst style of football I’ve seen at Upton Park over four decades that you were responsible for. You made no attempt to relate to the fans who are the heart of the club. You set your (rather dopey) face against meeting what we, the fans, had a right to ask for and expect – exciting attacking football played by fit, motivated players. Your negative style of management clearly underwhelmed and demotivated the players. Petulance, pessimism, excuses and platitudes were all you had left to offer us. Your media interviews were always an embarrassment. And given that your idea of a good transfer target was one of the walking wounded, you gave the board every excuse to stop trusting you in the transfer market.
Where do you go from here? I don’t know. I’ve not worked in careers advice but, if I did, I might put you forward to counsel people with a sleep problem.
How you managed to bow out with West Ham putting four goals past opponents who finished higher than us last year will remain one of history’s great imponderables, alongside how someone with a brain the size of a walnut gets to be president of the USA.
We deserved our early lead but after Blackburn pulled one back – from some truly dreadful defending – we were hanging on. A dubious annulment of a decent goal, Rob Green’s stupendous penalty save, just about good enough performances by several players, with Mark Noble outstanding, and the adaptability of the team, kept us in the lead until the 90th minute. But when the 4th official held up the board announcing five minutes of injury time we all feared the worse. Then, suddenly there was bedlam. A belter from Bellamy, and a tap in from Cole after terrific work by Behrami and we’ve run out 4-1 winners. We can’t explain it but we’ve just got to accept it.
Now Zola excites me (the manager – not the cat next door). He was a gem of a player who knew how to upset and terrorise opponents with skill and power, creativity and surprise and I am sure that these are the elements that he will endeavour to instil within the players we have. I’m also glad that he’s been working with the Italian under-21s as that experience will help him develop our younger players here. Within a few weeks here, I expect to see Deano getting the service he needs on the ground, Scotty Parker going forward instead of backwards or in circles, wing players running to the byline or cutting inside to set up chances, and an all round desire to run for each other and make opportunities.
With the likelihood of Chelsea’s Steve Clarke joining him too, you’ve got to wonder whether some quality players over in West London, finding it hard to establish a regular first team place there, might relish the opportunity of reuniting with Zola and Clarke in January. Of course the big prize would be the return of Joe Cole – the nearest thing we ever had to a player of Zola’s style and quality – highly unlikely in the extreme but a little less unlikely than a couple of weeks ago.
Before the appointment was made there was a clamour among many fans for Di Canio to return. if we were going to go for an inexperienced manager then why not go for one who has West Ham etched on his soul? One whose volatility is his distilled desire to emerge triumphant in every game; a player whose love affair with Hammers fans was genuine and heartfelt?
I was decidedly not one of those joining this clamour. I loved the way Paolo played football, and never for a moment doubted his yearning to win whatever is possible for the club, but frankly, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the club I love being managed by someone whose idea of relaxation is settling down with a first edition of Mussolini’s writings. Someone who denies they are racist but is happy to call themselves a fascist. As OLAS columnist Mark Walker reminds us every so often, we have enough of the Barking Tendency close to home already.
So what persuaded our Board to go for Zola? At least some of them had clearly set their sights on Bilic but, no doubt, Zola was not in a position experience-wise to put in a similar wage demand to Bilic. So Zola was attractive as a relatively cheaper option. Other Italians were in the running too, but a serious factor, ultimately, was the Board belatedly showing that it recognised the overwhelming demand by the fans to appoint someone who will put attacking play back where it belongs in the football academy. Somehow, that sentiment got across, probably through those who have stayed away. Declining season ticket sales, empty seats, the lowest gate for 16 years for a league cup game, showed that we are not mugs prepared to tolerate anything out of loyalty. And in these credit crunch days our abstinence is their financial loss.
I am sure the board have still got their sights on making a mint out of selling the land under Upton Park and building a bigger stadium elsewhere. They know there is a loyal fan-base out there that can be mobilised – and as long as match-day prices don’t keep escalating and we have a team playing entertaining football, you could get 45,000 punters regularly (though I would rather they were squeezed in to a fully developed Upton park).
So there was a convergence of the fans desire, articulated through many voices, the Board’s desire not to pay over the odds, and their acknowledgement that there is a connection between what is delivered on the pitch and our desire to keep paying to see it.
Whatever the motivations involved we have a result that ought to get all Hammers fans’ juices flowing. We should welcome Zola with open arms but also cut him some slack to make some mistakes in the first few games without us getting on his back. Also, we need a grown-up attitude to the Chelsea business. He loved Chelsea and I am sure he still does. We hate Chelsea. But he is here and this is his first managerial post in the premiership. He will be desperate to succeed and that has got to be good for us.
Zola has come early in the season where two wins and two defeats have given us a top half position. Perhaps we should have got more at West Brom, but given the background factors that was always going to be a difficult game. What was heartening though are the statistics for the number of shots (21) and the number of those on target (13). This was not West Ham playing safe, a la Turdishley. We were going for a win on the road. We fell short but it could have gone either way and credit to Kevin Keen for motivating them. Also after four games we have an average of scoring two per game – compared with barely one per game last year.
Today Newcastle come along and the players will be feeling energised to put in a top performance. Come 5 o’clock, Zola the cat will be stretching out on the lawn for a sleep, but my guess is that Zola the manager will be celebrating his first success and the start of a new West Ham era.
Ciao/meaow, COYI
Saturday, 30 August 2008
SELF RESPECT
OLAS 442 30th August 2008
Sometimes you can look at something from a distance and think it looks really special, only to find as you get much closer that it’s not what you thought and you return disappointed. If anyone sees in the distance a score line, which shows West Ham winning 4-1, don’t be fooled. We were atrocious but lucky.
So, how can you be lucky when you win by such a margin? Well, over 90 minutes, West Ham were fortunate to be on level terms with a team languishing at the bottom of League 2 who are yet to score this season. After needlessly giving a corner away from a lack of communication between Davenport and Green, and with Davenport off the field getting attention while the corner was taken, we got mugged by a simple header from the corner on the six-yard box.
Macclesfield held on until the 74th minute when Bowyer equalised. We barely deserved it. Up to then our play had been slow and predictable, and completely lacking in any bite. We were so dull, in fact, that I managed to read most of OLAS during the game without missing much of the action. And that’s no reflection on OLAS – which was as good a read as ever. Macclesfield were well-organised, quick to break and would have been perfectly good value for the win.
Earlier that day the Evening Standard carried headlines claiming that morale was at an all-time low at Upton Park, and the players seemed to express that with their insipid performance for 90 minutes. Maybe the crowd didn’t lift them enough, but then it was hardly a crowd. As I walked to my seat there was no need to say, “excuse me” to anyone. I could stretch my arms and legs. It was like a private party – with West Ham waiting for me to arrive and playing just for me (though within a few minutes it had the atmosphere of a private funeral).
I haven’t seen a stand so empty since I used to go to Leyton Orient back in the day, when you used to phone them to check what time the game was, and they’d reply, “What time can you get here?” Well, it was almost like that. And we know whose fault it was that Upton Park was a sea of empty seats. I opened my last OLAS piece fulminating at the outrageous prices we were made to pay of this lowly fixture. It seems that a lot of you dedicated fans who come week after week watching us play shite for most of the game, were better than me at saying “enough is enough”. You voted with your feet to tell our greedy landlords what you thought of their complete and utter chutzpah.
Now, I already have lots of reasons for hating Lee Bowyer, and I won’t rehearse them again here, and I didn’t think I would need to stack up any more, but I’ve got one now. Without his late goal, with barely a quarter of an hour to go, I don’t think we would have drawn level. We would have been out of the Carling Cup; one of our few chances of any success this year – and to a team several leagues below us on our home turf. Had that happened I have no doubt that Alan Curbishley would have been shown the door. He might even have had the self-respect to open the door himself and wave goodbye. As it is, he lives to bore us and drag us down a little longer, and who knows what state we will be in when the inevitable finally happens?
I don’t want to get all Shakespearian, though I know you OLAS readers are a cultured crowd, but as Lady Macbeth says “If it were done when 't is done, then 't were well ‘t were done quickly.” Wonder if she’s available for the post of manager…
The papers on Thursday morning described the crowd singing for Curbishley, before Bowyer’s goal, “Your gonna be sacked in the morning”. Then they quoted Curbs saying he “enjoys” his job (well I guess he might, in a Max Mosley sort of way).
But really it’s beyond a joke now. And on the subject of humiliation and beatings, one of West Ham’s greatest (that is to say, worst) humiliations was when Blackburn arrived at Christmas 1964 and their Christmas surprise was to thump West Ham 8-2 at Upton Park. Well, it looks like that kind of Christmas may be coming early here when Blackburn return today. On our Carling cup performance over 90 minutes I can see Blackburn putting eight past us, though I can’t see us getting two. Two bookings maybe, but goals? I don’t think so. And when you know who will be gloating with that plastic smile on Match of the Day, after they thump us that is not an enticing prospect.
On the KUMB website the other day I noticed one commentator compared Alan Curbishley with Gordon Brown. Using the pseudonym “Harry Redflap” I observed: “Except that Gordon Brown lacks Curbishley's charisma and sense of humour. What's the odds on who's getting relegated first - West Ham or Labour? Actually we could do with a bit of peoples' power in both these institutions.''
And now the good news…because there is some. As the players left the field, ultimately to applause at the end of the Macclesfield marathon, there were four players who could emerge with their heads held high from this game, and three of them were substitutes. Of the 11 that started, only Deano looked as if he wanted to be there and make an impact. He was unfortunate not to get on the scoresheet himself, had a hand in two of the goals and especially in that extra-time period, after lowly Macclesfield had managed to get a player sent off to make it an even game and give us a fighting chance, Deano showed a lot of nice touches.
Carlton Cole looked sharp when he came on and was determined to get a goal, which he did. But the two brightest stars were Kyel Reid and Zavon Hines. Kyel has worked hard to earn his chance at West Ham. When he had occasional opportunities in the past to show what he could do, he looked determined but very one-footed and quite predictable. He’s obviously been working at his game and loan periods have done him no harm at all. He’s come back a more balanced, skilful and powerful player. Not only did he show that he has the ability to go past players to the by-line but also that he could pack a powerful and accurate shot. And in a side that shows an almost pacifistic aversion to shooting, that’s coming at just the right time.
Kyel Reid needs to be placed above Mattie Etherington in the pecking order now and be given some proper opportunities. Mattie, you scored a great goal for us a few years back against Ipswich, but you are pretty second rate now and you are fulfilling the role that I had been reluctant to mark you down as – essentially, you are a Spurs reject. You might think you can still do it, and if you are still on the gambling crack, you might want to bet on making a comeback, but if we are determined to play our strongest team I don’t see it happening. When we need a strong left-sided midfielder I would plump for Kyel every time now.
The other good news is Zavon Hines, who looks quite a prospect – quick, comfortable on the ball, inventive, competitive – why, I can almost see him going to Aston Villa now. Let’s hope he stays and we can turn him into one of our next academy graduates. With Noble below his best, Parker faffing around, Faubert showing moments of great ability and promise but not consistently, we should be prepared to give Zavon some opportunities on the bigger stage. And it wouldn’t do any harm to those who have hugged the midfield places this year to know there is serious competition.
Meanwhile, another of the bright stars from our academy firmament has departed. As I predicted he would last year, Anton Ferdinand has gone. He was a quality player whose emotional maturity was a bit lacking but that would come in time. Of course, the Board have got a good price for him, but they have also confirmed that we are a selling, not a buying club. With several of our defenders of less quality still injured, this transfer smacks of financial desperation and severely weakens our defensive options. If Upson or Davenport gets injured what are we going to do – play Luis Boa Morte in central defence? And what message does it send to the best of our academy players? To Zavon, Kyel and Freddie? As the transfer widow is half-shut, I suspect there will be more movement out than in, though I wouldn’t rule out us picking up some league 2 player on loan and have them talked up by Curbishley as the new Ronaldo.
Let’s hope that whichever players are picked today have enough self-respect, and respect for us fans to put in a big performance. Enjoy the game. COYI!!!
Sometimes you can look at something from a distance and think it looks really special, only to find as you get much closer that it’s not what you thought and you return disappointed. If anyone sees in the distance a score line, which shows West Ham winning 4-1, don’t be fooled. We were atrocious but lucky.
So, how can you be lucky when you win by such a margin? Well, over 90 minutes, West Ham were fortunate to be on level terms with a team languishing at the bottom of League 2 who are yet to score this season. After needlessly giving a corner away from a lack of communication between Davenport and Green, and with Davenport off the field getting attention while the corner was taken, we got mugged by a simple header from the corner on the six-yard box.
Macclesfield held on until the 74th minute when Bowyer equalised. We barely deserved it. Up to then our play had been slow and predictable, and completely lacking in any bite. We were so dull, in fact, that I managed to read most of OLAS during the game without missing much of the action. And that’s no reflection on OLAS – which was as good a read as ever. Macclesfield were well-organised, quick to break and would have been perfectly good value for the win.
Earlier that day the Evening Standard carried headlines claiming that morale was at an all-time low at Upton Park, and the players seemed to express that with their insipid performance for 90 minutes. Maybe the crowd didn’t lift them enough, but then it was hardly a crowd. As I walked to my seat there was no need to say, “excuse me” to anyone. I could stretch my arms and legs. It was like a private party – with West Ham waiting for me to arrive and playing just for me (though within a few minutes it had the atmosphere of a private funeral).
I haven’t seen a stand so empty since I used to go to Leyton Orient back in the day, when you used to phone them to check what time the game was, and they’d reply, “What time can you get here?” Well, it was almost like that. And we know whose fault it was that Upton Park was a sea of empty seats. I opened my last OLAS piece fulminating at the outrageous prices we were made to pay of this lowly fixture. It seems that a lot of you dedicated fans who come week after week watching us play shite for most of the game, were better than me at saying “enough is enough”. You voted with your feet to tell our greedy landlords what you thought of their complete and utter chutzpah.
Now, I already have lots of reasons for hating Lee Bowyer, and I won’t rehearse them again here, and I didn’t think I would need to stack up any more, but I’ve got one now. Without his late goal, with barely a quarter of an hour to go, I don’t think we would have drawn level. We would have been out of the Carling Cup; one of our few chances of any success this year – and to a team several leagues below us on our home turf. Had that happened I have no doubt that Alan Curbishley would have been shown the door. He might even have had the self-respect to open the door himself and wave goodbye. As it is, he lives to bore us and drag us down a little longer, and who knows what state we will be in when the inevitable finally happens?
I don’t want to get all Shakespearian, though I know you OLAS readers are a cultured crowd, but as Lady Macbeth says “If it were done when 't is done, then 't were well ‘t were done quickly.” Wonder if she’s available for the post of manager…
The papers on Thursday morning described the crowd singing for Curbishley, before Bowyer’s goal, “Your gonna be sacked in the morning”. Then they quoted Curbs saying he “enjoys” his job (well I guess he might, in a Max Mosley sort of way).
But really it’s beyond a joke now. And on the subject of humiliation and beatings, one of West Ham’s greatest (that is to say, worst) humiliations was when Blackburn arrived at Christmas 1964 and their Christmas surprise was to thump West Ham 8-2 at Upton Park. Well, it looks like that kind of Christmas may be coming early here when Blackburn return today. On our Carling cup performance over 90 minutes I can see Blackburn putting eight past us, though I can’t see us getting two. Two bookings maybe, but goals? I don’t think so. And when you know who will be gloating with that plastic smile on Match of the Day, after they thump us that is not an enticing prospect.
On the KUMB website the other day I noticed one commentator compared Alan Curbishley with Gordon Brown. Using the pseudonym “Harry Redflap” I observed: “Except that Gordon Brown lacks Curbishley's charisma and sense of humour. What's the odds on who's getting relegated first - West Ham or Labour? Actually we could do with a bit of peoples' power in both these institutions.''
And now the good news…because there is some. As the players left the field, ultimately to applause at the end of the Macclesfield marathon, there were four players who could emerge with their heads held high from this game, and three of them were substitutes. Of the 11 that started, only Deano looked as if he wanted to be there and make an impact. He was unfortunate not to get on the scoresheet himself, had a hand in two of the goals and especially in that extra-time period, after lowly Macclesfield had managed to get a player sent off to make it an even game and give us a fighting chance, Deano showed a lot of nice touches.
Carlton Cole looked sharp when he came on and was determined to get a goal, which he did. But the two brightest stars were Kyel Reid and Zavon Hines. Kyel has worked hard to earn his chance at West Ham. When he had occasional opportunities in the past to show what he could do, he looked determined but very one-footed and quite predictable. He’s obviously been working at his game and loan periods have done him no harm at all. He’s come back a more balanced, skilful and powerful player. Not only did he show that he has the ability to go past players to the by-line but also that he could pack a powerful and accurate shot. And in a side that shows an almost pacifistic aversion to shooting, that’s coming at just the right time.
Kyel Reid needs to be placed above Mattie Etherington in the pecking order now and be given some proper opportunities. Mattie, you scored a great goal for us a few years back against Ipswich, but you are pretty second rate now and you are fulfilling the role that I had been reluctant to mark you down as – essentially, you are a Spurs reject. You might think you can still do it, and if you are still on the gambling crack, you might want to bet on making a comeback, but if we are determined to play our strongest team I don’t see it happening. When we need a strong left-sided midfielder I would plump for Kyel every time now.
The other good news is Zavon Hines, who looks quite a prospect – quick, comfortable on the ball, inventive, competitive – why, I can almost see him going to Aston Villa now. Let’s hope he stays and we can turn him into one of our next academy graduates. With Noble below his best, Parker faffing around, Faubert showing moments of great ability and promise but not consistently, we should be prepared to give Zavon some opportunities on the bigger stage. And it wouldn’t do any harm to those who have hugged the midfield places this year to know there is serious competition.
Meanwhile, another of the bright stars from our academy firmament has departed. As I predicted he would last year, Anton Ferdinand has gone. He was a quality player whose emotional maturity was a bit lacking but that would come in time. Of course, the Board have got a good price for him, but they have also confirmed that we are a selling, not a buying club. With several of our defenders of less quality still injured, this transfer smacks of financial desperation and severely weakens our defensive options. If Upson or Davenport gets injured what are we going to do – play Luis Boa Morte in central defence? And what message does it send to the best of our academy players? To Zavon, Kyel and Freddie? As the transfer widow is half-shut, I suspect there will be more movement out than in, though I wouldn’t rule out us picking up some league 2 player on loan and have them talked up by Curbishley as the new Ronaldo.
Let’s hope that whichever players are picked today have enough self-respect, and respect for us fans to put in a big performance. Enjoy the game. COYI!!!
Thursday, 28 August 2008
WHAT A LIBERTY!
OLAS 441 27th August 2008
Twenty pounds to see West Ham play Macclesfield? Oh, plus a booking fee of £1.50. And that’s on top of nearly £900 I’ve paid as a season ticket holder, to watch 19 league games. I don’t want to sound like Cath Tate’s grandmother but, really, what a fucking liberty!
Tonight’s match (and the next round, if I can admit a little optimism) should have been thrown in gratis for season ticket holders, set at no more than a tenner for other adults, and allowed kids in for a quid. The players are on annual salaries, not on sweatshop piece-rates, so tonight’s game entails no extra costs for them. Yes, you’ve got to pay the non-playing staff and there a bit of leccy on the floodlights, but, come on West Ham, give something to the long-suffering Hammers fans and we’d have a packed house for a game where we might see the ball hitting the net a few times.
After all, that guy Stanley, from Accrington, beat Macclesdfield 2-0 all on his own at the weekend and we’ve got 11 players. And, you know what, West Ham? With a full house you sell a lot more booze, pies and programmes. Everyone’s happy, fed and watered.
Disregarding a few historical slip-ups, a tie at home against League 2 opposition ought to be the kind of game that we win comfortably, and when the result is beyond doubt, it is the perfect opportunity to blood some of our younger players. Do we want them to play in a half-empty stadium or would we like them to be cheered on by a full house?
But this lot running the finances at Upton Park have got so used to ripping us off at every single turn, I don’t think they can see it that way at all.
There are several clubs you could go to where your season ticket includes some cup games and even European games. Here, they are probably working out how much more they could charge us should we ever get anywhere near Europe in the next few years.
So who wants it to be like this? What do the players think? Do they believe that the crowd should continue to be ripped off? I don’t think so, and I can’t believe that many of the people who work for the club below boardroom level agree with shafting the fans either.
I don’t know if you are familiar with the company called Philosophy Football who have marketed some excellent shirts over the years, but their new one has a simple statement that is so apt for our situation and that of a good few clubs in the Poundstretcher Premiership. It just says “AGAINST MOD£RN FOOTBALL” (www.philosophyfootball.com)
We’re not asking for the Earth – just a bit of value for money and the occasional gesture to show that there is more to a football club than an economic enterprise run for the benefit of its shareholders.
So the season began with West Ham taking three points. There were quite a few positives to take from the Wigan game but likewise the concerns were only too obvious. I was losing patience with Deano last season but he played a blinder against Wigan and did everything that we hoped he would do when he joined the club. He was a constant threat in the first half, when the midfield were more energetic and the wingers were seeing more of the ball.
When Deano first arrived at Upton Park, without trying to be hyperbolic I wrote in OLAS that there was something about him that reminded me of Geoff Hurst. Well, the manner in which he took his first goal against Wigan - a quick turn and an unstoppable rising shot from 15 yards – took me back many years and reminded me of the goals I used to see by Geoffrey week after week.
Deano’s second was a matter of being in the right place at the right time. But what pleased me apart from the goals was the hunger with which he played throughout the game. Although at the point when hunger became greed, in typical West ham fashion, he injured himself. There was no way he was going to score from a free kick 35 years out. He’s no Nobby Solano. The guys sitting next to me were taking bets as to which row of the Bobby Moore Upper it would land in.
What was striking as the team came out was how tall they were (apart from the mascots). I thought for a moment that I had got smaller over the summer, which is possible. No exaggeration, It was like “Land of the giants” out there. Having Upson and Davenport in defence and Cole and Deano up front actually winning the ball in the air, really made a difference in the first half. Last year we were pathetic in the air and we paid for it at both ends. Wigan’s solitary goal in a poor second half, when we could have been hammered by a stronger team, followed one of the few times they outjumped us in our penalty area.
Upson and Davenport did well for most of the game, and Faubert gave more than a few hints that we can expect much more quality from him this year. He was involved in both goals and he gave us good width. Mattie was in and out of the game, fading particularly in the second half, but the reason we nearly gave the game away was the collapse of the central midfield. Parker and Noble ran out of puff by half time and neither offered much creativity.
Of course it would be stupid to make judgements for the season from the first game. But I’m just praying that the pattern of starting brightly and fading away displayed here does not herald another Charlton Athletic type season of hope and plummet.
Nice to see Zamora play a terrific game against Arsenal using pace and power to take players on. Shame it wasn’t for us. At the end of the day, though, it was three points at Wigan’s expense. And that was at least three more than Spurs got. Seeing Spurs get defeated again in their second game kept me smiling of course. Only I’m not smiling now.
Last year one of our best performances of a disappointing season was at Citeh, where we deserved much more than one point. This year we go there on the back of a first day win, to a club who let four goals in on day one, are missing most of their forwards, and have trouble in the boardroom. We offer nothing and let them walk all over us. Pathetic. West Ham? Same old, same old………(insert any word that starts with “sh” and ends in “t”)
I’m writing this before listening to Curbishley’s lame excuses, because I know that will depress me further and you won’t want to read all that “moan, moan, kill Curbishley, moan, moan, sack the board” stuff in August. So I’m sparing you that. But, I’m looking for a big result tonight and on Saturday to get us back on track immediately, otherwise I’ll…otherwise I’ll… well, I don’t know, I’ll start supporting Accrington Stanley or something!
Final word on Macclesfield. Apparently the local nickname for the town of Macclesfield is “Treacle Town”. This dates back to an alleged incident where a merchant spilt a load of treacle on Hibel Road in the middle of the town, and the poor rushed out to scoop it off the cobbles. Have to say that scooping treacle off me cobbles sounds a bit more enticing than watching West Ham and listening to Curbishley at the moment. Come on West Ham – prove me wrong!
Twenty pounds to see West Ham play Macclesfield? Oh, plus a booking fee of £1.50. And that’s on top of nearly £900 I’ve paid as a season ticket holder, to watch 19 league games. I don’t want to sound like Cath Tate’s grandmother but, really, what a fucking liberty!
Tonight’s match (and the next round, if I can admit a little optimism) should have been thrown in gratis for season ticket holders, set at no more than a tenner for other adults, and allowed kids in for a quid. The players are on annual salaries, not on sweatshop piece-rates, so tonight’s game entails no extra costs for them. Yes, you’ve got to pay the non-playing staff and there a bit of leccy on the floodlights, but, come on West Ham, give something to the long-suffering Hammers fans and we’d have a packed house for a game where we might see the ball hitting the net a few times.
After all, that guy Stanley, from Accrington, beat Macclesdfield 2-0 all on his own at the weekend and we’ve got 11 players. And, you know what, West Ham? With a full house you sell a lot more booze, pies and programmes. Everyone’s happy, fed and watered.
Disregarding a few historical slip-ups, a tie at home against League 2 opposition ought to be the kind of game that we win comfortably, and when the result is beyond doubt, it is the perfect opportunity to blood some of our younger players. Do we want them to play in a half-empty stadium or would we like them to be cheered on by a full house?
But this lot running the finances at Upton Park have got so used to ripping us off at every single turn, I don’t think they can see it that way at all.
There are several clubs you could go to where your season ticket includes some cup games and even European games. Here, they are probably working out how much more they could charge us should we ever get anywhere near Europe in the next few years.
So who wants it to be like this? What do the players think? Do they believe that the crowd should continue to be ripped off? I don’t think so, and I can’t believe that many of the people who work for the club below boardroom level agree with shafting the fans either.
I don’t know if you are familiar with the company called Philosophy Football who have marketed some excellent shirts over the years, but their new one has a simple statement that is so apt for our situation and that of a good few clubs in the Poundstretcher Premiership. It just says “AGAINST MOD£RN FOOTBALL” (www.philosophyfootball.com)
We’re not asking for the Earth – just a bit of value for money and the occasional gesture to show that there is more to a football club than an economic enterprise run for the benefit of its shareholders.
So the season began with West Ham taking three points. There were quite a few positives to take from the Wigan game but likewise the concerns were only too obvious. I was losing patience with Deano last season but he played a blinder against Wigan and did everything that we hoped he would do when he joined the club. He was a constant threat in the first half, when the midfield were more energetic and the wingers were seeing more of the ball.
When Deano first arrived at Upton Park, without trying to be hyperbolic I wrote in OLAS that there was something about him that reminded me of Geoff Hurst. Well, the manner in which he took his first goal against Wigan - a quick turn and an unstoppable rising shot from 15 yards – took me back many years and reminded me of the goals I used to see by Geoffrey week after week.
Deano’s second was a matter of being in the right place at the right time. But what pleased me apart from the goals was the hunger with which he played throughout the game. Although at the point when hunger became greed, in typical West ham fashion, he injured himself. There was no way he was going to score from a free kick 35 years out. He’s no Nobby Solano. The guys sitting next to me were taking bets as to which row of the Bobby Moore Upper it would land in.
What was striking as the team came out was how tall they were (apart from the mascots). I thought for a moment that I had got smaller over the summer, which is possible. No exaggeration, It was like “Land of the giants” out there. Having Upson and Davenport in defence and Cole and Deano up front actually winning the ball in the air, really made a difference in the first half. Last year we were pathetic in the air and we paid for it at both ends. Wigan’s solitary goal in a poor second half, when we could have been hammered by a stronger team, followed one of the few times they outjumped us in our penalty area.
Upson and Davenport did well for most of the game, and Faubert gave more than a few hints that we can expect much more quality from him this year. He was involved in both goals and he gave us good width. Mattie was in and out of the game, fading particularly in the second half, but the reason we nearly gave the game away was the collapse of the central midfield. Parker and Noble ran out of puff by half time and neither offered much creativity.
Of course it would be stupid to make judgements for the season from the first game. But I’m just praying that the pattern of starting brightly and fading away displayed here does not herald another Charlton Athletic type season of hope and plummet.
Nice to see Zamora play a terrific game against Arsenal using pace and power to take players on. Shame it wasn’t for us. At the end of the day, though, it was three points at Wigan’s expense. And that was at least three more than Spurs got. Seeing Spurs get defeated again in their second game kept me smiling of course. Only I’m not smiling now.
Last year one of our best performances of a disappointing season was at Citeh, where we deserved much more than one point. This year we go there on the back of a first day win, to a club who let four goals in on day one, are missing most of their forwards, and have trouble in the boardroom. We offer nothing and let them walk all over us. Pathetic. West Ham? Same old, same old………(insert any word that starts with “sh” and ends in “t”)
I’m writing this before listening to Curbishley’s lame excuses, because I know that will depress me further and you won’t want to read all that “moan, moan, kill Curbishley, moan, moan, sack the board” stuff in August. So I’m sparing you that. But, I’m looking for a big result tonight and on Saturday to get us back on track immediately, otherwise I’ll…otherwise I’ll… well, I don’t know, I’ll start supporting Accrington Stanley or something!
Final word on Macclesfield. Apparently the local nickname for the town of Macclesfield is “Treacle Town”. This dates back to an alleged incident where a merchant spilt a load of treacle on Hibel Road in the middle of the town, and the poor rushed out to scoop it off the cobbles. Have to say that scooping treacle off me cobbles sounds a bit more enticing than watching West Ham and listening to Curbishley at the moment. Come on West Ham – prove me wrong!
Sunday, 17 August 2008
IN THE MOOD
OLAS 440 16th August 2008
We’ve just come back from two weeks camping in Belgium and Luxembourg and during that time I managed to stay away from the computer completely and ignore all the crazy transfer speculation. Avoiding any internet cafes, I was concentrating on the things that matter – fresh air, beautiful scenery, sunsets, great beer and an endless supply of frites.
It was hard, though, trying to shut down totally on what might be happening at Upton Park. One night I even found myself dreaming about being at the ground and feeling startled and disturbed that I didn’t recognise a soul on the pitch. (Though, to be fair, I’ve seen several games where the players don’t seem to recognise each other either.) On the way back to England I succumbed and couldn’t resist buying an English newspaper and was amused to read: “Thatcher Booed at West Ham”. It sounds like plans for the state funeral are proceeding apace, and down at Upton Park we’re already getting well in the mood!
It brought to my mind the joke about the guy, back in the 1980s, sentenced to death but given a last request.
He said “I’d really like it if my ashes could be placed next to Maggie Thatcher’s ashes.”
“But she’s not dead yet” came the reply.
“It’s OK,” he said, “I can wait…”
Well I’m certainly in the mood for the new season, trying my best to shake off every ounce of negativity from last year with as much vigour as Deano is trying to shed those pounds. What a crap season that was. It was all over by January and I reckon I saw three good games the whole year. I felt like I was walking around with “MUG” tattooed on my forehead the day I renewed my season ticket…but hey, that’s what makes us West Ham!
This year, I really want to believe that we are going to move forward, we’ll see some great attacking football at Upton Park, go as far as we can in the cups and push for a European place. And along the way, a new crop of youngsters will emerge at the heart of the team. Interesting that what little transfer activity we have been involved in has seen three youngsters come in – Behrami, Eyjolfsson and Bajner whose combined ages don’t add up to much more than mine. If this signals a desire to buy young and build for the future rather than buy over the hill and build for the past – then good. Let’s have more of it. But the news that we are even considering Ben Thatcher suggests that this new progressive mindset has not been firmly established yet.
I once read that (Ben) Thatcher suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome and can’t help shouting out all kinds of expletives. In his Wimbledon days he apparently turned down a potential appearance on a children’s TV programme because of this disability. Tourettes is still a mystery to the medical profession. Fucking tossers! But the strange thing is that when I read we were giving Thatcher a trial I let out an uncontrolled stream of expletives too. It really is that contagious.
Of the coming and goings through Upton Park’s revolving door I’m genuinely saddened to see Bobby Z and John Paintsil go - to Fulham. I’m not at all sorry to see the fabulously wealthy and fabulously lazy Freddie swanning off. But it sounds like the club got the worst of all worlds – he hardly played any games and we have had to pay shedloads of cash to end his contract and take him off the weekly wage bill.
What worries me, though, are those that are still the wrong side of that revolving door – especially Rigor Mortis, Muggins and Lee Bonehead. And what irks me are the ones that got away. We’ve been linked in the past with Nick Shorey, Steve Sidwell and Luke Young and now they’ve all been snapped up by the other claret and blue – Aston Villa. Dave Kitson’s been nabbed by Stoke, Paschal Chimbonda by Sunderland and Luke Moore by West Brom. These are not top-notch players and the amounts they moved for were not huge, but they are a damn sight better than the deadwood we are still hanging on to. Even grabbing a couple of them would have strengthened our squad considerably.
At least the Fixture Fairy has been kind to us. Several of the first few games look winnable even without the players we missed out on and even with the injury problems we are still carrying. Not surprisingly Bellamy will miss those first few games. Call me cynical but I’m willing to bet a Mars bar, or even more, that he’ll be fit for Wales’ next international, then sidelined by injury for the next club fixture. The news about Dyer is of course even more dire, and, sad to say it, his career with us may be over before it has begun.
But however thin the current squad is on real quality I think the key factor is attitude and approach. We seem to have three main groups in the West Ham squad – The quality players, (Green, Upson, Ferdinand, Faubert, Parker, Noble, Ashton, Bellamy) the tryers (Cole, McCartney, Etherington, Sears, Tomkins, Reid) and the hopeless (Spector, Mullins, LBM, Bowyer). Over time Sears and Tomkins hopefully will move to the “quality” group. I’ve left out Lucas Neill who is in his own sub-group - QBCBA (Quality – But Can’t Be Arsed), and Behrami who I haven’t seen yet. Consistency, hunger to succeed, and high levels of fitness from our quality players, plus 100 per cent honest endeavour and positivity from the tryers can cover up the inadequacy of the hopeless and take us further than you can imagine.
Last season too many of our quality players under-performed, were frequently injured and unfit, and were stifled by a very defensive and conservative approach completely alien to West Ham’s footballing taditions. In our unexpected successes against big teams last season – Liverpool and Man U at home – we played with more freedom, and the quality players and the tryers managed to over-compensate for the total inadequates on the field.
I know some will say, “But where is the positivity and hunger going to come from, with Lucas in charge on the field and Curbs in charge off it?” Absolutely true. Unless Lucas Neill has a big change in attitude or one of the other quality players is handed the captaincy, and unless the players themselves resolve to play with freedom, commitment and fire for 90 minutes, despite Curbishley’s Charlton-style tactics, then we’re going to get found out. And we’ll be found out by some pretty small teams – like Wigwam on day one. Let’s hope I’m mistaken.
But speaking of pure quality, the Villareal friendly was held in honour of Bobby Moore on the 50th anniversary of his debut. And when I think about the dignity, style and skill with which Bobby led West Ham for so many years, and compare it with Lucas Neill’s lackadaisical attitude it makes me weep.
It was Bobby Moore who turned me onto West Ham in the first place. I loved the ‘66 world cup and that summer we moved from an area dominated by Spurs supporters (Palmers Green) to one dominated by West Ham (Leyton/Forest Gate). At the time I wasn’t committed to a particular club and quite liked Liverpool for some reason, but not long after we moved into our new flat and made friends with local kids they asked me and my brother to come to football with them at West Ham. I hadn’t been to a live football match before that, but was I ready! I was 8 years old and my heroes were Bobby Moore and Geoff Hurst.
Bobby Moore’s skill in walking the ball calmly out of chaos in the penalty area, week in, week out, was breathtaking and having done that he would often unleash an inch perfect 50-yard forward pass to set up an attack. He liked to come forward himself, too, and I saw him score a few goals, usually belters from direct free kicks 25 yards out.
He stood up to referees when necessary, not out of childishness but on principle when he thought he was right and they were wrong, and he always stole a few cheeky yards on free kicks. The referee would invariably pick up the ball and place it back a few yards but as he ran upfield again Bobby would push the ball forward behind the ref’s back and regain that advantage.
And he was not too up himself to sigh autographs and have that special bond with the youngest fans. I remember the day I got his autograph (and Geoff Hurst’s). Every Summer West Ham’s first team at football played a cricket game in Valentines Park, Ilford, against Ilford (amateur) Cricket Club. When West Ham were batting most of the team was lounging around in front of the pavilion drinking tea and you just went up to them and asked them for their autographs. They were really happy to sign and chat.
So Bobby Moore’s shirt – the number 6 – is now officially retired. But that doesn’t mean we have to put everything else from his era into retirement. His individual skill flourished in a team that was encouraged to play with flair and style and was totally committed to giving the fans what they wanted to see. His shirt is retired but let’s see his spirit return this year, starting this afternoon. Come On You Irons!!!
We’ve just come back from two weeks camping in Belgium and Luxembourg and during that time I managed to stay away from the computer completely and ignore all the crazy transfer speculation. Avoiding any internet cafes, I was concentrating on the things that matter – fresh air, beautiful scenery, sunsets, great beer and an endless supply of frites.
It was hard, though, trying to shut down totally on what might be happening at Upton Park. One night I even found myself dreaming about being at the ground and feeling startled and disturbed that I didn’t recognise a soul on the pitch. (Though, to be fair, I’ve seen several games where the players don’t seem to recognise each other either.) On the way back to England I succumbed and couldn’t resist buying an English newspaper and was amused to read: “Thatcher Booed at West Ham”. It sounds like plans for the state funeral are proceeding apace, and down at Upton Park we’re already getting well in the mood!
It brought to my mind the joke about the guy, back in the 1980s, sentenced to death but given a last request.
He said “I’d really like it if my ashes could be placed next to Maggie Thatcher’s ashes.”
“But she’s not dead yet” came the reply.
“It’s OK,” he said, “I can wait…”
Well I’m certainly in the mood for the new season, trying my best to shake off every ounce of negativity from last year with as much vigour as Deano is trying to shed those pounds. What a crap season that was. It was all over by January and I reckon I saw three good games the whole year. I felt like I was walking around with “MUG” tattooed on my forehead the day I renewed my season ticket…but hey, that’s what makes us West Ham!
This year, I really want to believe that we are going to move forward, we’ll see some great attacking football at Upton Park, go as far as we can in the cups and push for a European place. And along the way, a new crop of youngsters will emerge at the heart of the team. Interesting that what little transfer activity we have been involved in has seen three youngsters come in – Behrami, Eyjolfsson and Bajner whose combined ages don’t add up to much more than mine. If this signals a desire to buy young and build for the future rather than buy over the hill and build for the past – then good. Let’s have more of it. But the news that we are even considering Ben Thatcher suggests that this new progressive mindset has not been firmly established yet.
I once read that (Ben) Thatcher suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome and can’t help shouting out all kinds of expletives. In his Wimbledon days he apparently turned down a potential appearance on a children’s TV programme because of this disability. Tourettes is still a mystery to the medical profession. Fucking tossers! But the strange thing is that when I read we were giving Thatcher a trial I let out an uncontrolled stream of expletives too. It really is that contagious.
Of the coming and goings through Upton Park’s revolving door I’m genuinely saddened to see Bobby Z and John Paintsil go - to Fulham. I’m not at all sorry to see the fabulously wealthy and fabulously lazy Freddie swanning off. But it sounds like the club got the worst of all worlds – he hardly played any games and we have had to pay shedloads of cash to end his contract and take him off the weekly wage bill.
What worries me, though, are those that are still the wrong side of that revolving door – especially Rigor Mortis, Muggins and Lee Bonehead. And what irks me are the ones that got away. We’ve been linked in the past with Nick Shorey, Steve Sidwell and Luke Young and now they’ve all been snapped up by the other claret and blue – Aston Villa. Dave Kitson’s been nabbed by Stoke, Paschal Chimbonda by Sunderland and Luke Moore by West Brom. These are not top-notch players and the amounts they moved for were not huge, but they are a damn sight better than the deadwood we are still hanging on to. Even grabbing a couple of them would have strengthened our squad considerably.
At least the Fixture Fairy has been kind to us. Several of the first few games look winnable even without the players we missed out on and even with the injury problems we are still carrying. Not surprisingly Bellamy will miss those first few games. Call me cynical but I’m willing to bet a Mars bar, or even more, that he’ll be fit for Wales’ next international, then sidelined by injury for the next club fixture. The news about Dyer is of course even more dire, and, sad to say it, his career with us may be over before it has begun.
But however thin the current squad is on real quality I think the key factor is attitude and approach. We seem to have three main groups in the West Ham squad – The quality players, (Green, Upson, Ferdinand, Faubert, Parker, Noble, Ashton, Bellamy) the tryers (Cole, McCartney, Etherington, Sears, Tomkins, Reid) and the hopeless (Spector, Mullins, LBM, Bowyer). Over time Sears and Tomkins hopefully will move to the “quality” group. I’ve left out Lucas Neill who is in his own sub-group - QBCBA (Quality – But Can’t Be Arsed), and Behrami who I haven’t seen yet. Consistency, hunger to succeed, and high levels of fitness from our quality players, plus 100 per cent honest endeavour and positivity from the tryers can cover up the inadequacy of the hopeless and take us further than you can imagine.
Last season too many of our quality players under-performed, were frequently injured and unfit, and were stifled by a very defensive and conservative approach completely alien to West Ham’s footballing taditions. In our unexpected successes against big teams last season – Liverpool and Man U at home – we played with more freedom, and the quality players and the tryers managed to over-compensate for the total inadequates on the field.
I know some will say, “But where is the positivity and hunger going to come from, with Lucas in charge on the field and Curbs in charge off it?” Absolutely true. Unless Lucas Neill has a big change in attitude or one of the other quality players is handed the captaincy, and unless the players themselves resolve to play with freedom, commitment and fire for 90 minutes, despite Curbishley’s Charlton-style tactics, then we’re going to get found out. And we’ll be found out by some pretty small teams – like Wigwam on day one. Let’s hope I’m mistaken.
But speaking of pure quality, the Villareal friendly was held in honour of Bobby Moore on the 50th anniversary of his debut. And when I think about the dignity, style and skill with which Bobby led West Ham for so many years, and compare it with Lucas Neill’s lackadaisical attitude it makes me weep.
It was Bobby Moore who turned me onto West Ham in the first place. I loved the ‘66 world cup and that summer we moved from an area dominated by Spurs supporters (Palmers Green) to one dominated by West Ham (Leyton/Forest Gate). At the time I wasn’t committed to a particular club and quite liked Liverpool for some reason, but not long after we moved into our new flat and made friends with local kids they asked me and my brother to come to football with them at West Ham. I hadn’t been to a live football match before that, but was I ready! I was 8 years old and my heroes were Bobby Moore and Geoff Hurst.
Bobby Moore’s skill in walking the ball calmly out of chaos in the penalty area, week in, week out, was breathtaking and having done that he would often unleash an inch perfect 50-yard forward pass to set up an attack. He liked to come forward himself, too, and I saw him score a few goals, usually belters from direct free kicks 25 yards out.
He stood up to referees when necessary, not out of childishness but on principle when he thought he was right and they were wrong, and he always stole a few cheeky yards on free kicks. The referee would invariably pick up the ball and place it back a few yards but as he ran upfield again Bobby would push the ball forward behind the ref’s back and regain that advantage.
And he was not too up himself to sigh autographs and have that special bond with the youngest fans. I remember the day I got his autograph (and Geoff Hurst’s). Every Summer West Ham’s first team at football played a cricket game in Valentines Park, Ilford, against Ilford (amateur) Cricket Club. When West Ham were batting most of the team was lounging around in front of the pavilion drinking tea and you just went up to them and asked them for their autographs. They were really happy to sign and chat.
So Bobby Moore’s shirt – the number 6 – is now officially retired. But that doesn’t mean we have to put everything else from his era into retirement. His individual skill flourished in a team that was encouraged to play with flair and style and was totally committed to giving the fans what they wanted to see. His shirt is retired but let’s see his spirit return this year, starting this afternoon. Come On You Irons!!!
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