Karma chameleon

OLAS 478, February 10th 2010

Of course you shouldn’t stereotype people but I never had David Sullivan down as a Buddhist. His discussions of noble truths have tended to indicate more of an East End philosophy than an Eastern one. Still it is reckoned to be the world’s fourth largest religion with up to 500 million followers, so you are bound to encounter one of them when you least expect it. They don’t all wear robes and sit with their legs impossibly crossed and their feet resting on their knees, humming “om”. And as any Buddhist worth their reincarnation will tell you: “The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.”

Sullivan’s meditation after the nauseating Eidur Gudjohnsen affair was pretty crystal though: “What goes around comes around. I believe in karma.”

And didn’t we get a taste of karma at Burnley. The stats may show that we had twice as many attempts on goal as them, hit the woodwork twice, and had a goal disallowed for offside, but the final result does not lie. And it felt like payback time for that strange game back in November when we ghosted into an undeserved five-goal lead and then almost contrived to throw it all away in the final 20 minutes to the point where we were desperate for the ref to blow the final whistle to save us from any further embarrassment. It is hard to believe we would have held on for a further 10 minutes without conceding more. Despite Burnley’s defence being asleep for the first hour, a very ordinary bunch of players, just up from the championship, ran us ragged near the end and there was little to choose between the teams even though we emerged as 5-3 victors.

What has happened especially in the last couple of weeks ought to have lifted the whole club. Given far more financial security than seemed possible, and having dipped into new funds to emerge with more players after the transfer window, we had every reason to look forward to the Burnley trip with hope and expectation. Only I had a sneaky feeling it would all come back to bite us on the arse. And so it proved; our cockney backsides were well and truly munched.

Like alternative comedians and politicians, Buddhists like to go in for mystical one-liners. One renowned Buddhist quote is: “The greatest effort is not concerned with results”. Somehow I don’t think that is the after-match comment that Sullivan would have been sharing with his partner in grime David Gold.

More likely they would have been discussing how much patience they were really willing to show in a management team that has undoubtedly been operating under severe external pressures, but have now got an opportunity to prove themselves, and so far are coming up short. Zola might say he’s always going to come up short but I don’t mean Iike that. I like Zola and Clarke and remain confident they will prove their worth but they seem to have inexplicably retreated from the refreshing and dynamic approach which they began with last year. They need to remember who they are and what they believe in.

Zola and Clarke inherited a club of stupendous attacking tradition that had been reduced to a soporific bore by the deadweight of Curbishley – possibly the most boring and expressionless person on the planet. He had them playing sideways and backwards and sideways and backwards, with the occasional long hopeful punt to huff and puff and chase after.

The Italian Job and the Flying Scotsman offered an exciting alternative. They bought back the traditions of fast, skilful attacking play for which we were rightly renowned. And although early results went against them they persevered and took us forward. We only just missed a European place, which given how thin the squad was, was probably a mercy, but that is precisely what we should have been challenging for this year instead of fighting a relegation battle.

But our management team have made a giant leap backwards this season. The approach play they direct is stilted and so predictable. There has often been a lone striker with no-one remotely near them, and no passion or excitement in our play save for flashes from Diamanti, and when he’s not been injured, from Zavon Hines. More often than not they have started with four central midfielders, with no pace on the wings and little width at all.

I can’t speak from personal experience of the away games, but at Upton Park, the only game this season where I’ve seen us play with genuine attacking flair was the 3-2 home defeat to Liverpool. And the wrong conclusions were drawn from it. Instead of relishing an exciting attacking performance that merited at least a share of the spoils against a team with vastly more experience and resources, Z&C seemed determined the tighten things up rather than take risks of losing more points. So we became less threatening to any opposition of any level, and the toll of injuries reduced our options even further.

But even given these limitations beyond their control, Zola and Clarke have also been responsible for disastrously bad decisions about which eleven players to put on the pitch, not least when that eleven has included Kojak and Spectator.

The most charitable comment you can make about Kovac is that he tries hard, but his skill is in inverse relationship to his height – and he’s a tall bastard. Spector is a pile of shite (at best), and even if Ilunga has been frequently injured and unavailable, it is clear we should be going with Daprella, a young but more skilful defender who can also attack with confidence.

On the fans’ websites the siren voices are stepping up their calls for Zola’s head. But some of their anger and frustration is completely misdirected. He has been seriously let down by two key members of our youth brigade whom we had come to regard as rising stars, and I have personally had immense faith in. Collison, consistently played out of position on the right flank, has put in several under-par performances and, with a couple of exceptions, Noble has been atrociously slow and poor every game he’s played this season. Perhaps now that the squad has been strengthened both could do with a period on the bench to recover their motivation and come back sharp and more determined.

Horrible though this season has been, our situation is not as bad as it could be and the transfer window has definitely left us in better shape. At the beginning of January I was resigned to losing at least one of our (underperforming) stars. I wouldn’t believe Scott Duxbury to accurately, and with honesty and conviction, describe the colours of a Zebra, let alone believe any of his claims that no-one is going anywhere. Gilbert and Sullivan have confirmed that without their input, the club’s finances could have gone totally tits-up, so to speak, and players would have been sold, despite any of Ducksbrain’s “promises”, to service the ever spiralling debts.

Naturally, speculation by journalists linked us to any number of unlikely players during the transfer window, but we all hoped we might end up with one or two new faces. To grab three experienced forwards, all capable of finding the net, at the fag end of the window and without breaking the bank, was a triumph. To believe, though, that we could afford to put all our efforts to recruit new players in the striker department though was surely a mistake – and it was surprising that more determination wasn’t apparently shown to capture a solid right back or give more experienced back up for Green in goal.

Despite or perhaps because of his desperation to be noticed by Capello, Green’s form has been pretty erratic and maybe he could do with a rest. And while I admire his quick reflexes and shot-stopping agility I could certainly do with a rest from watching him flap about when it comes to crosses. I’ve also got my health to think about. Sure he is pretty resilient physically and tends to shake off injuries quickly, but we are placing a lot of unwarranted faith in that situation to continue.

So far I’ve avoided commenting on the Blackburn game. I worry that if I start I won’t stop. Suffice to say that it was one of the worst and most tepid and pathetic performances I have ever seen at Upton Park since our last relegation season. Except for the fact that the final whistle eventually blew and we could all go home, it was without one redeeming feature. But I know that my fellow righteous monk Sullivan will want me to follow the mantra that states: “Do not speak unless it improves on silence,” and say no more about that dreadful afternoon.

That’s quite a handy mantra though - one that some of our politicians like Blair at the Chilcot enquiry, might have followed too, come to think of it.

And so to tonight where our new boys have a chance to shine under the floodlights in front of our home crowd. I would dearly like to get one over Birmingham, if only to wipe the smarmy smile of Lee Bowyer’s boat. I’ve no regrets about him going and didn’t want him here in the first place. He’s certainly landed on his feet there, and Birmingham are sitting comfortably where we ought to be in this league. They are a tight defensive unit and have proved to be hard to beat this year. They have also nicked several games by a single goal. But, firing on all cylinders, we should be more than a match for them.

My final meditation tonight. Try wrapping your toes round your shoulders and whispering this:” Do not pursue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is. The future has not yet come. We must be diligent today. To wait until tomorrow is too late.”

And you better believe it because if you end up down in the championship basement there is no reincarnation. Enjoy the game. And come on Zola – defy the doubters, play the attacking game you know so well and we will start to celebrate some victories. Ommmmmmm….COYI!!!!