Can you believe it?

OLAS 458 April 4th 2009

I thought April Fools Day had come early this year. In an idle moment, about 10 days ago, I logged onto the club’s official website and found an item announcing that season ticket prices have been reduced! I turned my computer off and then returned to the same page. This was not a misprint. The item was still there. No – this is a wind up, I was sure. Next they’ll be announcing pigs have been spotted flying over farms in Essex, that someone was caught smiling in Eastenders, or Peter Mandelson was caught telling the truth. Or some such completely unlikely scenario. But it is really the case. Next year on average I will be paying just £42.63p per 90 minute game at Upton Park instead of the outlandish £45 per game that those of us in the Band 1 seats have been paying this season. Generous or what? (or what? I think).

My cynicism as far as the West ham hierarchy is concerned does not wear off easily. My very next thought was: I bet that for the mugs who buy that pile of glossy advertising tosh known as the “official programme” they will hike the price up to £4 a throw, to recoup most of the money they might lose on reducing the seats revenue.

On the other hand, if this is a sign of a more caring, sharing management of the club, the first hints of a redistribution of the wealth that we put into the club – then bring it on, it’s well overdue, isn’t it? We’ve been lining the pockets of the directors for as long as I can remember.

I’m still immature enough to love April Fools Day and did a good one in my Year 2 class at school a few years back. As the kids and parents arrived, first thing in the morning, they found me sitting in my chair pointing to a notice I had written on the board next to me saying: “David has lost his voice today – please do what he asks you to when he writes on the board.” The kids and their parents were completely taken in. The parents’ reaction was a little bit disturbing since they are supposed to know stuff. Those who needed to tell me things or ask me questions, spoke to me very slowly and deliberately as if I’d lost my hearing, or my marbles, rather than my voice. I wrote down answers to their questions. They left, and the first hour of the school day was delightful as the kids followed a series of written instructions very quietly and seriously. I kept it up for an hour then suddenly asked a kid a question verbally and quite loudly. They were stunned…but not half as stunned as me seeing the club reduce its ticket prices.

There was a stupendous April Fools Day wind-up a couple of years ago on one of the West Ham fans’ websites. It was at the time when there was a lot of talk about moving to a new purpose built stadium (which has thankfully all gone a bit quiet lately).One poster on the website claimed that one of the club’s directors had stated that West Ham would definitely be selling Upton Park and leaving on a set date to get the best price, but would not be able to move into their new stadium straight away. However a temporary solution had been found which was to share with Millwall.

Enough muppets believed this to make it fantastically entertaining as dozens of emails full of bile and venom were posted in quick succession. Unfortunately someone spoiled the party by pointing out that this was April Fools Day.

As for playing the fool – well we had a whole team doing that against West Brom last time out at Upton Park. This was a full-blown return to Curbishleyist dullness with the ball, when touched by any West Ham player, only permitted to go horizontally or backwards. Granted we had serious injury problems but to play like this was an insult to the fans. My friend’s daughter took a couple of Russian exchange students with them to see this game and we tried to convince them that it wasn’t always like this, but to be honest I’m sure they would have agreed that it would have been more fun sitting in a Siberian salt mine than watching this pile of shite.

Fortunately we were only playing West Brom, so we could play crap and still get a point. The only bright spot of the night was Junior Stanislas making his debut. Crazy name but he definitely looks a bright prospect and I hope it gets more opportunities before the season is over.

The point at Blackburn was more creditable. They are fighting for their premiership lives at the moment while we still had a drastically depleted squad. Though it was a pity not to go on and win it after we were ahead. Lovely goal from Nobes after another sweeping passing movement, wasn’t it? That goal, and Carlton’s up at Wigan, must surely be our best-worked goals this year.

While we’ve been stuttering the teams immediately below us have pulled off some unlikely results which means that the battle for 7th place and European qualification has become much more competitive. At the moment we’ve been edged into 8th on goal difference by Wigan, but ought to pull ahead of them by the end of May. And despite Fulham getting a tremendous result against manure that would have gladdened the hearts of most people who hate the arrogant rich and the high and mighty, we ought to stay ahead of them too.

The more serious challenge will come from the traditional enemy - Spurs. Our away fixture there next weekend will be crucial. If we play for a draw we will lose but go for a win and we might do it – or at least gain a point keeping the gap between us. After the way Harry treated us earlier this season we don’t need any incentives, do we?

And so to Sunderland today. They have lifted themselves clear of the relegation pack but are not completely safe yet so their priority will be to not lose. We’ll have a chance to welcome back Anton and Heather and then hope they have an off day as our strike force may be a little depleted. The loss of Behrami and Collison has severely disrupted our ability to provide any drive and creativity from midfield but if Savio is fit again, maybe Dyer can get his – I was going to say “break”, but I better say “opportunity” – on the other flank, which should be good to watch and both should provide excellent service to whoever is able-bodied enough to play up-front – even the statuesque Tristan. Or, alternatively, Franco could play Savio as one of the front runners in the middle and bring Stanislas in to play on the left wing.

And if the Ginger Pele returns at the back that should give us more stability. Tomkins has been getting good reviews but I’m less convinced at the moment. He wins the ball very well in the air but panics when it falls to him on the ground and treats it like a hot potato.

So West Ham – what’s it to be today? April Fools, April showers? Or spring in our step? COYI!!!!