CAT AMONG THE PIGEONS

OLAS 443 20th September 2008

When our next-door neighbours set off to France for a week recently they asked if we could pop in and feed their cats. They’ve got two cats – the smaller one, Hetty, is a bit nervous and walks a bit awkwardly. She reminds me a bit of Louis Boa Morte, and that’s on a good day, but the bigger one who is undoubtedly the boss, is a tough guy, quick and bullish, very determined, and he’s called Zola. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that this cat, which we’ve been feeding, had been appointed the manager at West Ham. That’s put a cat among the pigeons I thought, but, having seen the pictures in the papers, I realise it’s not him after all. Yes, he’s bullish and determined, but the one they’ve appointed is smaller and without whiskers and speaks Italian (at the end of a conversation he says ciao not meaowww).

Though I’m disappointed not to be actually living next door to the new manager I’m both surprised and satisfied with the choice. But isn’t it so West Ham that the day after he’s appointed the headlines declare that West Ham’s sponsors have gone down the tubes, that XL have reduced beyond medium and even beyond extra small. The West Ham website were quick to announce that “West Ham United have terminated the relationship with XL Holidays with immediate effect”…just under a headline bar with the XL logo! (left hand…right hand… know… what… doing…)

So who will be our next sponsors? There must be some likelihood of an Italian firm stepping in – what do you reckon, Gucci, Armani, Zabaglione, Prada, Versace…and will our dear old fans live up to the image? Only, every time I saw supporters on the box being interviewed about the demise of Curbishley and speculating about the new appointment, they were invariably pear-shaped balding geezers from Romford in tracksuit tops who looked as if they ate their Mars bars sideways. They were hardly fahionistas. Still, all that might change, and sharp suits and flowing low-cut frocks – in claret and blue of course – might become the regular match day clobber.

So goodbye Curbs. The board treated you like shit. They deliberately undermined you to make you walk, rather than require protracted dealings over a contract buy-out. You didn’t deserve that, but to be honest we didn’t deserve the worst style of football I’ve seen at Upton Park over four decades that you were responsible for. You made no attempt to relate to the fans who are the heart of the club. You set your (rather dopey) face against meeting what we, the fans, had a right to ask for and expect – exciting attacking football played by fit, motivated players. Your negative style of management clearly underwhelmed and demotivated the players. Petulance, pessimism, excuses and platitudes were all you had left to offer us. Your media interviews were always an embarrassment. And given that your idea of a good transfer target was one of the walking wounded, you gave the board every excuse to stop trusting you in the transfer market.

Where do you go from here? I don’t know. I’ve not worked in careers advice but, if I did, I might put you forward to counsel people with a sleep problem.

How you managed to bow out with West Ham putting four goals past opponents who finished higher than us last year will remain one of history’s great imponderables, alongside how someone with a brain the size of a walnut gets to be president of the USA.

We deserved our early lead but after Blackburn pulled one back – from some truly dreadful defending – we were hanging on. A dubious annulment of a decent goal, Rob Green’s stupendous penalty save, just about good enough performances by several players, with Mark Noble outstanding, and the adaptability of the team, kept us in the lead until the 90th minute. But when the 4th official held up the board announcing five minutes of injury time we all feared the worse. Then, suddenly there was bedlam. A belter from Bellamy, and a tap in from Cole after terrific work by Behrami and we’ve run out 4-1 winners. We can’t explain it but we’ve just got to accept it.

Now Zola excites me (the manager – not the cat next door). He was a gem of a player who knew how to upset and terrorise opponents with skill and power, creativity and surprise and I am sure that these are the elements that he will endeavour to instil within the players we have. I’m also glad that he’s been working with the Italian under-21s as that experience will help him develop our younger players here. Within a few weeks here, I expect to see Deano getting the service he needs on the ground, Scotty Parker going forward instead of backwards or in circles, wing players running to the byline or cutting inside to set up chances, and an all round desire to run for each other and make opportunities.

With the likelihood of Chelsea’s Steve Clarke joining him too, you’ve got to wonder whether some quality players over in West London, finding it hard to establish a regular first team place there, might relish the opportunity of reuniting with Zola and Clarke in January. Of course the big prize would be the return of Joe Cole – the nearest thing we ever had to a player of Zola’s style and quality – highly unlikely in the extreme but a little less unlikely than a couple of weeks ago.

Before the appointment was made there was a clamour among many fans for Di Canio to return. if we were going to go for an inexperienced manager then why not go for one who has West Ham etched on his soul? One whose volatility is his distilled desire to emerge triumphant in every game; a player whose love affair with Hammers fans was genuine and heartfelt?

I was decidedly not one of those joining this clamour. I loved the way Paolo played football, and never for a moment doubted his yearning to win whatever is possible for the club, but frankly, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the club I love being managed by someone whose idea of relaxation is settling down with a first edition of Mussolini’s writings. Someone who denies they are racist but is happy to call themselves a fascist. As OLAS columnist Mark Walker reminds us every so often, we have enough of the Barking Tendency close to home already.

So what persuaded our Board to go for Zola? At least some of them had clearly set their sights on Bilic but, no doubt, Zola was not in a position experience-wise to put in a similar wage demand to Bilic. So Zola was attractive as a relatively cheaper option. Other Italians were in the running too, but a serious factor, ultimately, was the Board belatedly showing that it recognised the overwhelming demand by the fans to appoint someone who will put attacking play back where it belongs in the football academy. Somehow, that sentiment got across, probably through those who have stayed away. Declining season ticket sales, empty seats, the lowest gate for 16 years for a league cup game, showed that we are not mugs prepared to tolerate anything out of loyalty. And in these credit crunch days our abstinence is their financial loss.

I am sure the board have still got their sights on making a mint out of selling the land under Upton Park and building a bigger stadium elsewhere. They know there is a loyal fan-base out there that can be mobilised – and as long as match-day prices don’t keep escalating and we have a team playing entertaining football, you could get 45,000 punters regularly (though I would rather they were squeezed in to a fully developed Upton park).

So there was a convergence of the fans desire, articulated through many voices, the Board’s desire not to pay over the odds, and their acknowledgement that there is a connection between what is delivered on the pitch and our desire to keep paying to see it.

Whatever the motivations involved we have a result that ought to get all Hammers fans’ juices flowing. We should welcome Zola with open arms but also cut him some slack to make some mistakes in the first few games without us getting on his back. Also, we need a grown-up attitude to the Chelsea business. He loved Chelsea and I am sure he still does. We hate Chelsea. But he is here and this is his first managerial post in the premiership. He will be desperate to succeed and that has got to be good for us.

Zola has come early in the season where two wins and two defeats have given us a top half position. Perhaps we should have got more at West Brom, but given the background factors that was always going to be a difficult game. What was heartening though are the statistics for the number of shots (21) and the number of those on target (13). This was not West Ham playing safe, a la Turdishley. We were going for a win on the road. We fell short but it could have gone either way and credit to Kevin Keen for motivating them. Also after four games we have an average of scoring two per game – compared with barely one per game last year.

Today Newcastle come along and the players will be feeling energised to put in a top performance. Come 5 o’clock, Zola the cat will be stretching out on the lawn for a sleep, but my guess is that Zola the manager will be celebrating his first success and the start of a new West Ham era.

Ciao/meaow, COYI